What causes the perfect fart? The kind that is a joy to release out
into the Wild, but does not smell. The kind that sequels excitedly
when you let it go.... hummus? garbanzo beans-- aka chick peas-- aka
ceci beans? garlic? onions? lentils? re-fried pintos?

I'm on a quest for the Perfect Fart and I hope you can help me. I
believe I have been close a few times, but I know I have not reached
full potential yet, and there are Others out there who have achieved
the Perfect One... Anyone have any recipes to help me achieve the
Perfect Fart?

On May 21, 11:49*pm, somebody > wrote:


> What causes the perfect fart? *The kind that is a joy to release out
> into the Wild, but does not smell. *The kind that sequels excitedly
> when you let it go.... *hummus? *garbanzo beans-- aka chick peas-- aka
> ceci beans? garlic? onions? lentils? re-fried pintos?
>
> I'm on a quest for the Perfect Fart and I hope you can help me. *I
> believe I have been close a few times, but I know I have not reached
> full potential yet, and there are Others out there who have achieved
> the Perfect One... *Anyone have any recipes to help me achieve the
> Perfect Fart?


I consider your post food-related and I haven't even read it
yet. Farts are to turds what aroma is to coffee. I see the day when
fart sniffing and fart tasting rival even the highest regarded cheese
and wine tasting affairs. There is just so much variety. I can even
see a reality show where contestants are asked to look at 10 different
food menus and match them to the inhaled farts of those who ate from
those menus. Mix and match. Whoever gets the most right wins the big
prize - a tee shirt with the name of the show on it signed by hand
with the shit of the host himself.

TJ

On May 21, 11:49*pm, somebody > wrote:


> What causes the perfect fart? *The kind that is a joy to release out
> into the Wild, but does not smell.


This is a very subjective topic. I don't think a fart is perfect
unless it stinks to the high heavens. I want it all - booming sound
and mushroom-cloud-like reek. If I cut a really raunchy fart in bed
you can bet I'm ducking under the covers to savor it. It can't get
strong enough to suit me. Sometimes the reek of a fart is judged
unfairly as conditions change all the time. For example, you cut a
wicked fart in a wood-paneled moving truck in the middle of summer,
it's going to hang around and steam a while in there. To me a really
smelly fart would be one you could cut while doing 80mph on a
motorcycle and still smell it. Now that is one powerful fart.

I know what you mean though, you like the boomers, and so do I.
But let's be honest, if you could have only one side of the picture
for the rest of your life - all smell, no sound - or all sound, no
smell - which would you choose? I think I'd have to go with the
smell. You could always carry a little tape-player around with fart
sounds on it so when you cut the silent stinkers all you have to do is
press a button and you've got both. This topic deserves to be over in
the sausage borsellini thread as it concerns the finery of taste and
aroma, no different from wine or brandy tasting. Sure, the fart
sniffing community is small, and connoisseurs are few and far between
- but oh what a joy it is to meet others who share my zeal. That's
the way I used to feel until I got out of the racket when I began to
lose my sense of smell and hearing a few years back. It's a young
man's game. Now get out there and show us how it's done.

TJ

On Mon, 21 May 2012 20:49:33 -0700 (PDT), somebody
> wrote:

>What causes the perfect fart? The kind that is a joy to release out
>into the Wild, but does not smell. The kind that sequels excitedly
>when you let it go.... hummus? garbanzo beans-- aka chick peas-- aka
>ceci beans? garlic? onions? lentils? re-fried pintos?
>
>I'm on a quest for the Perfect Fart and I hope you can help me. I
>believe I have been close a few times, but I know I have not reached
>full potential yet, and there are Others out there who have achieved
>the Perfect One... Anyone have any recipes to help me achieve the
>Perfect Fart?

Sheldons cooking

somebody wrote:

> > Back again, troll?

> What kind of person responds to a "troll"?

Queen Mary believes she alone holds the keys to the RFC gateway.

On May 24, 9:54*am, BT > wrote:
> On Mon, 21 May 2012 20:49:33 -0700 (PDT), somebody
>
> > wrote:
> >What causes the perfect fart? *The kind that is a joy to release out
> >into the Wild, but does not smell. *The kind that sequels excitedly
> >when you let it go.... *hummus? *garbanzo beans-- aka chick peas-- aka
> >ceci beans? garlic? onions? lentils? re-fried pintos?
>
> >I'm on a quest for the Perfect Fart and I hope you can help me. *I
> >believe I have been close a few times, but I know I have not reached
> >full potential yet, and there are Others out there who have achieved
> >the Perfect One... *Anyone have any recipes to help me achieve the
> >Perfect Fart?
>
> Sheldons cooking

sorry, not familiar with Sheldon. Can you post an example?

On May 24, 11:17*am, George M. Middius > wrote:
> somebody wrote:
> > > Back again, troll?
> > What kind of person responds to a "troll"?
>
> Queen Mary believes she alone holds the keys to the RFC gateway.

even a stopped troll clock tells the time right twice a day.

somebody wrote:

> > Sheldons cooking
>
> sorry, not familiar with Sheldon. Can you post an example?

Here's a nice pic:

http://tinyurl.com/7ryng93

On May 25, 10:45*am, George M. Middius > wrote:
> somebody wrote:
> > > Sheldons cooking
>
> > sorry, not familiar with Sheldon. *Can you post an example?
>
> Here's a nice pic:
>
> http://tinyurl.com/7ryng93

Sheldon is a troll that lives under a compost heap?

somebody wrote:

> > > > Sheldons cooking
> >
> > > sorry, not familiar with Sheldon. *Can you post an example?
> >
> > Here's a nice pic:
> > http://tinyurl.com/7ryng93
>
> Sheldon is a troll that lives under a compost heap?

Be kind. He saved up for years to buy that place.

On Fri, 25 May 2012 12:45:26 -0700 (PDT), somebody
> wrote:

>On May 25, 10:45*am, George M. Middius > wrote:
>> somebody wrote:
>> > > Sheldons cooking
>>
>> > sorry, not familiar with Sheldon. *Can you post an example?
>>
>> Here's a nice pic:
>>
>> http://tinyurl.com/7ryng93
>
>Sheldon is a troll that lives under a compost heap?

yes

somebody wrote:
> What causes the perfect fart? The kind that is a joy to release out
> into the Wild, but does not smell. The kind that sequels excitedly
> when you let it go.... hummus? garbanzo beans-- aka chick peas-- aka
> ceci beans? garlic? onions? lentils? re-fried pintos?
>
> I'm on a quest for the Perfect Fart and I hope you can help me. I
> believe I have been close a few times, but I know I have not reached
> full potential yet, and there are Others out there who have achieved
> the Perfect One... Anyone have any recipes to help me achieve the
> Perfect Fart?


"The perfect fart is a rare thing. You could spend your entire life
looking for one, and it would not be a wasted life."

Wait... Yes it would.

-Bob

On May 25, 8:58*pm, zxcvbob > wrote:


> "The perfect fart is a rare thing. You could spend your entire life
> looking for one, and it would not be a wasted life."
>
> Wait... Yes it would.


A full throttled fart lasting one full minute would be
outstanding. I'm not talking about a series of small farts strung
together, I'm talking about one continuous fart that just rolls out
fast and furious and stinks to the high heavens on top of it. Stick a
hose up my ass and blow it right into my face, or suck on the end like
an A-rab on a houka pipe. Forget the pipe, I'll take the mushroom
cloud - but one full minute of it - straight, no breaks. I'd love to
do the same with snot - just dig in one day and drag a hard nugget
from one nostril that is followed by massive length of slime that you
have to unravel using both hands - like a fisherman pulling in the
net. One big nugget followed by a cold comet of slime that takes
forever to remove and feels like heaven coming out. Oh the wonder of
removing things from our bodies, what a pleasure it is - even better
than putting things in.

TJ

Tommy Joe wrote:
>
> On May 25, 8:58 pm, zxcvbob > wrote:
>
> > "The perfect fart is a rare thing. You could spend your entire life
> > looking for one, and it would not be a wasted life."
> >
> > Wait... Yes it would.
>
> A full throttled fart lasting one full minute would be
> outstanding.

Well, I wasn't planning to respond to this worthless thread but I do have a
somewhat funny story about the subject that happened about a year ago.

I get up at 4:30 each day, and I love to sit out on the back porch before
dawn, drinking coffee and enjoying the silent mornings. Still dark out, it's
very quiet then the birds start to chirp. I love early mornings.

Well, I was sitting out there one morning (in the dark) and had to fart. I
leaned to the right and let one go. Between getting compressed by my
buttcheeks and then the chair I was sitting on, it got compressed and
trumpeted an extremely loud "BRAAAAP," breaking the silence. I didn't mean
for that to happen but almost immediately I heard someone yell, "HEY!"
Whoever said that was evidently also sitting out on their back porch
enjoying the quiet morning.

Sorry about that pal....heheheh

On 26/05/2012 5:45 AM, somebody wrote:
> On May 25, 10:45 am, George M. > wrote:
>> somebody wrote:
>>>> Sheldons cooking
>>
>>> sorry, not familiar with Sheldon. Can you post an example?
>>
>> Here's a nice pic:
>>
>> http://tinyurl.com/7ryng93
>
> Sheldon is a troll that lives under a compost heap?

Sheldon IS the compost heap! ;-)

--

Krypsis

On May 26, 7:49*am, Gary > wrote:

> I get up at 4:30 each day, and I love to sit out on the back porch before
> dawn, drinking coffee and enjoying the silent mornings. Still dark out, it's
> very quiet then the birds start to chirp. *I love early mornings.
>
> Well, I was sitting out there one morning (in the dark) and had to fart. *I
> leaned to the right and let one go. *Between getting compressed by my
> buttcheeks and then the chair I was sitting on, it got compressed and
> trumpeted an extremely loud "BRAAAAP," breaking the silence. *I didn't mean
> for that to happen but almost immediately I heard someone yell, "HEY!"
> Whoever said that was evidently also sitting out on their back porch
> enjoying the quiet morning.
>
> Sorry about that pal....heheheh *


Funny and enjoyably done. I know a guy from LA who is no longer
among us who used to boom such loud farts in his apartment that the
guy next door complained to the apartment manager. Now that is some
farting. And what's with this crap about you not wanting to get into
this "useless" thread - and then doing it anyway. Come on man, admit
it - everyone loves talking about farts one way or another. Even if
they have something negative to say about it - "it" is the fart
because The FART IS IT.

The world is a fart,
TJ

On May 26, 7:49*am, Gary > wrote:
> Tommy Joe wrote:
>
> > On May 25, 8:58 pm, zxcvbob > wrote:
>
> > > "The perfect fart is a rare thing. You could spend your entire life
> > > looking for one, and it would not be a wasted life."
>
> > > Wait... Yes it would.
>
> > * * A full throttled fart lasting one full minute would be
> > outstanding.
>
> Well, I wasn't planning to respond to this worthless thread but I do have a
> somewhat funny story about the subject that happened about a year ago.
>
> I get up at 4:30 each day, and I love to sit out on the back porch before
> dawn, drinking coffee and enjoying the silent mornings. Still dark out, it's
> very quiet then the birds start to chirp. *I love early mornings.
>
> Well, I was sitting out there one morning (in the dark) and had to fart. *I
> leaned to the right and let one go. *Between getting compressed by my
> buttcheeks and then the chair I was sitting on, it got compressed and
> trumpeted an extremely loud "BRAAAAP," breaking the silence. *I didn't mean
> for that to happen but almost immediately I heard someone yell, "HEY!"
> Whoever said that was evidently also sitting out on their back porch
> enjoying the quiet morning.
>
> Sorry about that pal....heheheh *

That's funnier than a fart in an elevator when no one is expecting
it! Kudos!

On May 26, 9:04*pm, Tommy Joe > wrote:
> On May 26, 7:49*am, Gary > wrote:
>
> > I get up at 4:30 each day, and I love to sit out on the back porch before
> > dawn, drinking coffee and enjoying the silent mornings. Still dark out, it's
> > very quiet then the birds start to chirp. *I love early mornings.
>
> > Well, I was sitting out there one morning (in the dark) and had to fart.. *I
> > leaned to the right and let one go. *Between getting compressed by my
> > buttcheeks and then the chair I was sitting on, it got compressed and
> > trumpeted an extremely loud "BRAAAAP," breaking the silence. *I didn't mean
> > for that to happen but almost immediately I heard someone yell, "HEY!"
> > Whoever said that was evidently also sitting out on their back porch
> > enjoying the quiet morning.
>
> > Sorry about that pal....heheheh *
>
> * *Funny and enjoyably done. *I know a guy from LA who is no longer
> among us who used to boom such loud farts in his apartment that the
> guy next door complained to the apartment manager. *Now that is some
> farting. *And what's with this crap about you not wanting to get into
> this "useless" thread - and then doing it anyway. *Come on man, admit
> it - everyone loves talking about farts one way or another. *Even if
> they have something negative to say about it - "it" is the fart
> because The FART IS IT.
>
> The world is a fart,
> TJ

I once was in a house/apartment and let a fairly voluble one go in my
apartment. I could hear the girl downstairs exclaim: Excuse me!

"somebody" > wrote in message
...
On May 26, 7:49 am, Gary > wrote:
> Tommy Joe wrote:
>
> > On May 25, 8:58 pm, zxcvbob > wrote:
>
> > > "The perfect fart is a rare thing. You could spend your entire life
> > > looking for one, and it would not be a wasted life."
>
> > > Wait... Yes it would.
>
> > A full throttled fart lasting one full minute would be
> > outstanding.
>
> Well, I wasn't planning to respond to this worthless thread but I do have
> a
> somewhat funny story about the subject that happened about a year ago.
>
> I get up at 4:30 each day, and I love to sit out on the back porch before
> dawn, drinking coffee and enjoying the silent mornings. Still dark out,
> it's
> very quiet then the birds start to chirp. I love early mornings.
>
> Well, I was sitting out there one morning (in the dark) and had to fart. I
> leaned to the right and let one go. Between getting compressed by my
> buttcheeks and then the chair I was sitting on, it got compressed and
> trumpeted an extremely loud "BRAAAAP," breaking the silence. I didn't mean
> for that to happen but almost immediately I heard someone yell, "HEY!"
> Whoever said that was evidently also sitting out on their back porch
> enjoying the quiet morning.
>
> Sorry about that pal....heheheh

That's funnier than a fart in an elevator when no one is expecting
it!

when IS a fart expected in an elevator?

On May 26, 11:07*pm, "Pico Rico" > wrote:

> when IS a fart expected in an elevator?



When I am perched on a skateboard behind the ass cheeks of a
gorgeous female, that's when. Just kidding, I'm not into smelling
farts other than my own, although I have to say nobody's farts are
ever going to chase me out of a room. I can take it. Driving the cab
I've had college kids packed in and one of them cuts a silent fart and
everyone starts laughing and pointing fingers and yelling "roll down
the windows!:" That's when I say, "Deal with it", as I roll the
windows up all the way and hit the automatic window lock button. I
don't keep them up for long, just for a laugh. I am jaded by my own
farts which can never smell bad enough to satisfy me. I know I'm not
that nuts. In fact I think I'm normal, just more honest and open than
the average person. That leads me to suspect that everyone loves
smelling their own foul farts. And the fouler the better. They can't
get foul enough. Not ever.

TJ

Tommy Joe wrote:
>
> That leads me to suspect that everyone loves
> smelling their own foul farts. And the fouler the better. They can't
> get foul enough. Not ever.

Not everyone, you weirdo! I don't want to smell any crap. hahaha

I've only got 2 things to say about farts:

1) Thankfully, I'm no longer married so I can just fart in bed at
night,under the covers, rather than get up and fart in the living room.

2) My ferret cage is in my bedroom. Since I don't leave the room to fart,
it does annoy them at times. Sometimes, I'll let a vile one escape and a
few minutes later I'll see the ferrets staring at me like they want to kill
me.

Tommy Joe wrote:
>
> Pretty funny scene. Ferrets must be unusual in that way as over
> the years I have never seen a cat or dog or even a guinea pig react
> negatively to a fart. It's like they're oblivious to it even thought
> their sense of smell is greater than ours. Maybe the ferrets were not
> staring with murderous intent. Maybe the fart made them hungry and
> the look you saw was not one of hate but one of silent begging. Until
> ferrets learn to talk we will never know for sure.

Oh I know for sure. If you live with ferrets you learn how to communicate
with them.

A smelly fart will wake them up and they stare at me. Cartoon daggers coming
from their eyes to mine.

They don't meow or bark or make much sound but they alway make faints sounds
and you learn what they all mean after time. Some are happy play sounds.
Some are upset sounds and you might be stepping on their foot or something.

That's me understanding *their* language. They have also learned to
communicate with me. If they are out and want to play with me, Mia will jump
on my leg, Jackie will run by me then stop a few feet away.

If they are in their cage and either wants out to play or if they want some
gravy meal...they both have different ways of getting my attention:
- Mia will start batting around a plastic ball that has a jingle bell
inside.
- Jackie will go downstairs in the cage and push her food dish into the
water dish constantly, making a loud clinking sound.

Each way gets my attention. Once I pick them up, a struggling means they
just want out to play. If they are hungry, they will look as me and lick
their lips.

I guess I can add "Ferretese" to my list of languages

Gary

On May 28, 8:19*am, Gary > wrote:



> Oh I know for sure. *If you live with ferrets you learn how to communicate
> with them.



I was not doubting your ferret fart-displeasure comment, not
the point of challenging it anyway. I just wondered why they would be
different from other animals I've lived with that never seemed to be
adversely affected by fart stench. As a fair minded person I was
prepared to accept your version that the ferrets are repulsed by human
farts while at the same time realizing the possibility that is not
just human farts that upset them, but rather your farts exclusively.
As a fair minded person I could not make a fair judgment without
seeing the reaction of the ferrets as well as sampling the power
quotient of your farts. Not armed with such information and going
only with what you have told me I am prepared to believe you that
ferrets are different from other animals in the sense that they are
demonstrably affected by the foulness of the human fart, and as a
result I have decided to get myself a few ferrets, not only to keep me
company but also to every so often watch them recoil from the smell of
my farts. I would not torment them ceaselessly by farting, just every
now and then to tease them the way one might tickle a child or gently
pull a dog's tail to make it go, "What the hell is going on?" Just a
fun thing. Yes, I think I might look into getting a few ferrets.

TJ