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Old 05-10-2016, 10:43 AM posted to rec.arts.tv,alt.tv.food-network,rec.food.cooking
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Default Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee: Sandra's Halloween Wonderland

http://semihorrible.livejournal.com/401396.html

"Welcome to my Halloween wonderland!," chirps Sandra dressed as Alice
Wonderland, followed by a montage of the nightmare to come, which is filled
with "enchanted transformations, whimsical beasts, and a collection of sweets
and cocktails ideal for an unforgettable Halloween party!" The acid trip
starts now!

Sandra's Halloween Wonderland: A Food Network Special

Dreamscape Cocktail
Magical Mushroom Pots
Tehachapi Moon Pies
Firewater
White Ghost Cakes
Phoenix Rising Cocktail
Pumpkin Sangria
Pumpkin Jelly Shots
Sugar Plum Cake Pops
Magical Mad Hatter
Wonderland Cocktail

It all begins with SLop waking up from a "strange dream," where she's
confronted by The Mad Hatter, who screams, "Happy Halloween, and welcome to my
Halloween wonderland! You're absolutely Sandra Lee!, absolutely you are!," the
doppleganger shrieks. "If this just a dream, I would have to dream up someone
half-mad," SLop asserts. "But, you'd have to be half-mad to dream me up."
Well, isn't that the truth?!

"As you can see, this is 'gawna' be one party you will not soon forget. I'm
'gawna' dream up six Halloween fantasies and make the impossible possible," she
continues, walking through her low-rent set disguised as a backyard.
"Halloween is a perfect time for adults to have a little fun too, so every
delicious morsel I've dreamed up today will make your party a smash, I
promise."

"I am Sandra Lee, it's gotta be Cocktail Time first up," which is why her
derivative Dreamscape Cocktail kicks things off, and is sure to lead to a
bizarre nightmare after ingestion. In a nutshell, this is nothing more than
"strawburries" and "raspburries" muddled with 1 T sugar and 4 sprigs of mint in
a huge glass mixed with equal parts (1 C) white rum, pink lemonade ("We'll call
that rose nectar"), white "cranburry" juice ("We'll call that, maybe 'flower
dew'"), seltzer water ("We'll call this swamp water"). All of it is referred
to as a "Halloween dream in a glass," but it's all for nothing since the
ingredients and steps practically match her Pretty Pink Lemonade "russipe" from
Season 14 of Semi-HO.

Next, doppleganger Alice rushes the set asking SLop if she's seen the Mad
Hatter like a lunatic before SLop ventures further out into her backyard, where
she finds a rabbit hole, and just like Alice, she falls through and lands on
another set (a bed, to be exact) wearing a "gorgeous dress." She pretends to
be amazed at her new surroundings and walks over to a closet, hoping to find
more dresses. "It's a kitchen," she says, looking back at the camera with
disappointment. "That wasn't part of my dream. That's what I wanna do in my
dream, cook somewhere," she says with sarcasm.

Of course, it's all a setup so she can segue into making her stupid Magical
Mushroom Pots -- "'lil baby terra cotta pots from the craft store filled with
floral foam" that hold peppermint sticks topped with store-bought meringue
cookies embellished with "'lil candy dots" that match her fingernails. She
calls them the "perfect 'lil party favor," but they're lame in every sense of
the word.

After a commercial break, she waltzes onto an outdoor set dressed as Cher to
make the main course, her useless Tehachapi Moon Pies. Don't let the fancy-
sounding name fool you. All she does is take a filling, made with: 1 8-ounce
package of cream cheese, 1 C marshmallow fluff, the zest of 1 orange, and 1 t
of "van-ella" -- and sandwich it between 2 soft, store-bought chocolate cookies
(trimmed with a biscuit cutter) while editorializing the history of Sonny and
Cher sans Chaz Bono. BORING! To finish, the "pies" are rolled in 1/4 C
chocolate sprinkles. "I bet Sonny would've loved these," she says, but I
highly doubt it! What was the point of trimming the cookies? They were
perfectly round to start with. Trimming them wastes at least one quarter of
the cookie!

Regardless, she trudges on and toasts to Sonny by mixing up a Firewater
[martini] -- a half-lit variation of every coffee-based cocktail she's ever
done -- most notably her Espresso Martini of yesteryear. First, she rims the
glass in crushed chocolate-covered "eXpresso" beans via coffee liqueur and
mixes 1 C strong coffee with 1/2 C black vodka and equal parts (1/4 C) coffee
liqueur and "van-ella" vodka in a pitcher. A stir and pour is all that the
alcohol from shit-rimmed glass. She calls it "some cocktail," which doesn't
even resemble fire (shouldn't it be orange?). What a dud and an inslut to
Sonny Bono!

That doesn't stop the antics. The nightmare moves to Vienna, Austria, inside a
castle -- the haunt of a "ghost pirate," which turns out to be Sandra Lee
decked out in white -- complete with yellow contacts -- looking like a female
version of the Crypt-Keeper, who died in 1430 at a masquerade ball. She's not
alone, though. SLops own pet bird, Phoenix, joins her on set while she
prepares her "sinfully delicious" White Ghost Cakes -- "beeeautiful [mini]
angel food cakes" (made from a box of angel food cake mix) drizzled with "a
very special," off-white glaze made with 2 C powdered sugar, 2 T white
chocolate liqueur, and 2 t "van-ella" for "great flllavor" and "beeeautiful
color." YAWN! Towards the end of the segment, she brings the LOLs with this
monologue: "You know, I was once quite beautiful, yes. I was very beautiful,
and being dead -- can I tell you -- has been dreadful. It's dreadful on your
skin, your eyes... I have been decaying century by century. I'm 560 years
old." Well, at least you've finally come clean about your age, Sandy! The
cakes, meanwhile, receive a sprinkling of raw sugar, but are bland an
uninspired in every way.

To wash the packaged taste of the cakes out of her mouth, she throws together a
predictable Phoenix Rising Cocktail by combining 1/2 C whole "melk" with 1/2 C
spiced rum, (3/4 C) Bailey's Irish cream and white chocolate liqueur in a small
pitcher. I have no words except we need a cooking show for this?

The special continues with SLop returning as Lucille Ball in the next segment,
poorly recreating Lucy's famous grape-stomping episode of I Love Lucy. Of
course, she uses the mention to execut her puke-inducing "Pun-kin" Sangria,
which gets my vote for worst cocktail ever. She starts by making "pun-kin" pie
spice sugar (1 t "pun-kin" pie spice mixed with 2 T sugar) to rim her glass
with, with the help of maple "sir-up." As for the sangria, she dumps 3 C
"tropical 'joos' into a punch bowl, followed by: a ENTIRE bottle of white wine
and 1 C "pun-kin" spice liqueur. YUCK! Even so, she claims Lucy Ricardo
would've made it for her best friend, Ethel, but who is she kidding? Adding
insult to injury is the stir sticks she suggests making for th edrink: whole
cinnamon sticks topped off by soft "pun-kin" candies. LMAO!

To make sure the gag reflexes of her ghostly guests are working, she whips up
"Pun-kin" Jelly Shots that are too elaborate for their own good. Long story
short, this involves preparing 6 3-ounce boxes of orange-flavored JELL-O
according to package directions, with the addition of 1 1/2 C vodka, 2 T brown
sugar, and 2 t "pun-kin" pie spice ("what else?") -- and pouring it into a
greased mini muffin tin (holding 12 maraschino "churries"), a "pun-kin" candy
mold, and a sheet pan. DISGUSTING! Yes, she mixed orange JELL-O with "pun-
kin" pie spice. Is there anything she WON'T do with that shit?! This is just
lunancy, and using maraschino cherries because the character of Ethel was from
Cherryvale, Kansas? Whatever. The segment ends with Sandra wailing like Lucy
Ricardo, followed by stylizing "Happy Halloween" in I Love Lucy fashion (the
trademark heart logo), but who is she kidding? She's no icon, she just special
needs!

Next, the special mistakenly changes themes. It's Christmas in October, with
SLop playing "Aunt Sandy Claus," the younger sister of Kris Kringle. Of
course, this is all so she can prepare her asinine Sugar Plum Cake Pops, which
she claims are a "secret family 'russipe.'" Basically, she makes a batch of
Rice Krispies treats batter [laced with 1 t lemon zest], rolls the shit into
golf balls, and threads them onto 5-inch lollipop sticks. Like previous
segments, she trivializes Santa Claus and Christmas too. After the pops set
up, she dips them in 8-ounces of white chocolate coating, and rolls them in
colored sugar. She collectively calls them "enchanting," but f you're paying
attention, the technique for this is EXACTLY the same as her moronic Sugar Plum
Pops of seasons past. Only this time, she uses rice krispies instead of Sara
Lee cheesecake!

The special comes to a close with Lee dressed as Johnny Depp's Mad Hatter. The
resemblance is uncanny, so much so that it's distracting, but one thing
remains: her Magical Mad Hatter cocktail is nauseating isn't moving mountains
either. All she does is pour 3 T cream of coconut into a huge martini glass
and top it off with: 1 T white rum, 1/2 C tropical juice blend (V8-Splash), and
1 shot of floated tequila. WEAK! If pure madness is what she was aiming for,
then goal! She gives us an "Mmmmm!," then stares into the camera as if she's
taken a hit of LSD and says: "I've been considering F-words, you know, like
festivities and food. Fascination and what fantasy I could create -- and I
have!"

The bizarre proclamation serves as the introduction to her ghastly Mad Hatter
Tablescape, but before she prepares a less than wondrous Wonderland Cocktail.
Into a black WATERING CAN, she dumps: 2 C apple juice, 1/4 bottle of cinnamon
schnapps, 1/2 bottle "van-ella" vodka (referred to as "lunatic water") and a
minuscule amount of swamp water, or seltzer water to add "sparkle." Without
stirring, she walks over to the Tablewaste, mentions the glasses, and proceeds
to tip the watering can, letting the alcohol DRIP all over the glasses and
table! This bitch is out of her ****ing mind! It's wondrous how much this
recipe borrows from her Golden Glory Cocktail. Instead of sparkling cider,
it's apple juice. Instead of ginger ale, it's club soda. It's like she's
picking her own brain. Or, should I say liver?!


SLop showcases her Tablescape next, which if you haven't seen the episode, can
only be described as everything but the kitchen sink. While I would love to go
into specifics, you just have to see for yourself.

It ends with the Mad Hatter being transformed into a brown rabbit after eating
a magical mushroom labeled, "Eat Me," and so he -- or she, does.

We're treated to a series of outtakes after the final scene, which do nothing
to detract from the fact that all she did was embarrass herself, Andrew Cuomo
(and his kids) and Food Network. Speaking of food, WHERE was it? It was happy
hour and nothing more! And how dare she try to imitate Lucille Ball looking
like Cinderella!

All I can say is: Lay off of the mushrooms, Sandra!

--
WARNING!!!
Use of these recipes may be hazardous to your health, food budget, standing
in your community and liver function. Use at your own risk!! We assume no
liability from any illness or injury sustained while eating the "food" or
being exposed to crapass tablescapes. And no, we're not sure where she grew
up either. The Cordon Bleu disavows any knowlege of Miss Lee.




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