Sheesh! "Bobby Flay" this and "Mario Batali" that. Blah blah blah. A
more proper title for this episode would have been "Semi-Homade
Name-Dropping (because Gawd knows I cannot cook a damn thing)"! Boy
would I have floved to have been at the FN execs meeting with Bobby and
Mario when they were told they had to allow Sandie crap up some of their
recipes and "take one for the team" in some half-baked scheme to make
her look marginally credible as a "Food Network 'chef'". Has anyone
taken the time to count how many times she engaged in name-dropping this
week? Anyhow, on with the show!

"Hi, I'm Sandra Lee and welcome to Semi-Homemade. Today is a great day
because my friends Mario Batali and Bobby Flay have been kind enough to
share with me their famous, gourmet restaurant recipes, but I've re-made
them for you the Semi-Homemade way, so they're gonna be quick and easy."
But how will they taste? SLop ignores my query and rattles off her menu
of Bobby Flay and Mario Batali knock-offs before we bounce into the
opening credits. *sigh* I miss the previous music they used.

SLop enters stage left, telling us "Every time I go to Mario Batali's
restaurant I order his White Bean Ravioli". Of course, being SLop, she
makes her own version from a can of beans mixed with balsamic
vinegarette and a teaspoon of a packet of Italian seasoning that is
pulsed in a food processor (properly this time) and put in wonton
wrappers and boiled. As she makes the accompanying sauce, SLop claims to
have been in Mario's kitchen. Yeah, right. I see another restraining
order coming down the pipeline...As SLop stuffs her face with the
finished product, SLop thanks Mario Batali.

As SLop begins to make the steak, she says "Now, if Bobby Flay was
making this, he would make it all from scratch, but I have some great
tips for you to get these dinners in and out or these dishes in and out
of the kitchen in no time." But how does it taste, SLop? Ignoring my
query, she mixes some wine and a packet of Zesty Herb marinade in a
ziplock Glad bag while announcing "Of course, Bobby would use all the
fancy stuff, but I need somethin' quick and easy with everything in one
package!" Yeah, right. Just as good as Bobby Flay's. SLop ensures
Brycer's position as the most beat up kid in America this week by
announcing that Bobby Flay is his idol and has been begging her to let
him meet Bobby Flay. Unfortunately, there's that restraining order
monkey business so he'll have to settle for cooking these recipe
rip-offs with her.

As the steaks cook on the indoor grill, SLop announces she's going to
make Bobby Flay's Roasted Corn Salad, adding "Bobby Flay makes this with
roasted corn on the cob, so I'm going to grill a bag of frozen corn in a
frying pan!" As the corn defrosts, she mixes some yellow-colored lime
juice, vegtable oil, and roasted salsa in a bowl. She cuts off a quarter
of a red bell pepper and juliannes it, putting the rest away for later.
SLop then slices up some green onions but stops at the white part
because "the white part of these onions tastes very onion-y and I don't
like that flllllavor very much" and throws them away. Huh? She then
dumps the reheated corn from the pan into the bowl, assuring us that
even the most picky kid will like it and adds the red pepper slices.

Returning from commercial, SLop declares "I have some fabulous remakes
from Bobby Flay and Mario Batali!!!" and begins working on Mario
Batali's Dried Fruit Compote with Goat Cheese after removing the Bobby
Flay red wine steaks from the glad bag in which it's been marinating and
cooking them crooked on the grill. SLop tells us that Mario Batali might
use a GALLON of port wine in his recipe but she's in a hurry! Time's a
wasting! When's Cocktail Time? SLop heats up the wine, then adds some
sugar. SLop tells us that "Mario Batali probably uses fresh fruit for
his [dried fruit] compote but I'm going to use trail mix!", then tells
us she uses white grapejuice in lieu of port for Brycer (won't that make
it less menstral?), thoughtfully recomending that we substitute these
for raisins. After letting it simmer for five minutes, the dried fruit
plumped up, making it resemble a black menstral clump. SLop spoons it
into a martini glass, tops it with some crumbled goat cheese, and
declares it a healthy desert snack for kids. Returning to the steak like
Bobby Flay makes, she tells us to let it rest so it doesn't spill juice
all over the place, adding "This is a gourmet dinner just like if you
went to Bobby Flay or Mario Batali's place!".

When we return from commercial, SLop enters stage left clutching a
bottle of wine and giddily announces "It's cocktail time! Best time of
the day!", but sadly, there is no accompanying pop-up graphic. SLop
slurs that she's going to make Bobby Flay's famous Mangled Peach
Sangria, which consists of one cup of frozen of mango in liue of ice,
one cup frozen peaches, one cup peach schnaaps (peach nector for
Brycer), two cups of mango nectar, and "for Aunt Sandy, a bottle of
white wine" (sugar-free lemon-lime soda for Brycer). She tells us to
leave it in the fridge so the flavours meld together, but she can't wait
so she begins guzzling it on the spot, declaring "Mmm...That is one good
sangria, Bobby Flay!"

Clutching a big glass of Bobby Flay's famous Mangled Peach Sangria, SLop
tells us this week's tablescape was inspired by the rich, amber tones
and beautiful milk chocolate in Mario Batali's restaurant and the
oranges and yellows of Bobby Flay's. The centerpiece consists of four
noseagays in a vase with brown sugar. For each setting, SLop printed
name cards on her PC and tied a copper measuring spoon to it with a
sweet knotted fishtail ribbon (Hmm, looks like a forked tongue, heh heh)
So once again, SLop unloads a bunch of crappy "party favors" on her
unsuspecting guests. Among the imaginary guests of honor were "io". Hmm.
Yeah, I'm sure he'd be thrilled to have one of those lame gifts of
yours.

--
WARNING!!!
Use of these recipes may be hazardous to your health, food budget,
standing in your community and liver function. Use at your own risk!! We
assume no liability from any illness or injury sustained while eating
the "food" or being exposed to crapass tablescapes. And no, we're not
sure where she grew up either. The Cordon Bleu disavows any knowlege of
Miss Lee.