You know you are a bad cook when:

You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer.

You consider it a culinary success if the pop-tart stays in one piece.

Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.

Your family buys Alka Seltzer and Kaopectate in bulk.

Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they
hear a fire truck siren.

The EPA insists that all your garbage cans be marked with biohazard
symbols.

Your microwave display reads "TILT!"

Your two best recipes are meatloaf and apple pie, but your dinner
guests can't tell which is which.

Your pie-filling bubbles over and eats the enamel off the bottom of the
oven.

You've used three boxes of scouring pads and a bottle of Drano and a
crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan.

You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the
dark and melts the silverware.

Your family prays AFTER they eat!