Cooking Terms -- Redefined

* Arab Coffee
Thick, black, bitter coffee, traditionally served in tiny cups
at gunpoint, or found in graduate student's offices.
* Calorie
Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the
average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular
food.
* Frying Pan
Standard instrument of destruction for eggs, pancakes, and
various vegetable matter. Remains may be removed from surface with
diluted solution of sulfuric acid.
* Microwave Oven
Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to
locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking
compartment.
* Oven
Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of
meat and poultry.
* Preheat
To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before
cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put
in, as well as when it is removed.
* Porridge
Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children
were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an
amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "Horrid," and "Sludge."
* Recipe
A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients
you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog
won't eat.
* Tongue
A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the
line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.
* Yogurt
Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and
fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly
the same as they sound. The other two are goulash