SLop comes into her faux pantry and my, it looks like they really smeared the
Vaseline thick today. She's carrying an overflowing shopping bag of paper
products, and promises to show us how to make the best take out in we've ever
seen. Yeah, right. She itemizes the lineup and heads to the kitchen before the
makeup that is caked on her face falls off.

During the opening credits, I just noticed that when SLop describes how she's
been cooking and entertaining for years, the way her grandma taught her, it is
accompanied by a shot of her emptying beer into a pitcher. Hee!

SLop enters the kitchen stage right. Oh. My. Gawd! Her kitchen has been redone
in red, white, and pink, and she's wearing an inappropriate and unfortunate
tight flower print shirt. And what the hell is that french maid apron hanging
on her oven door?

She begins by making a faux croissandwhich with a zip lock bag of frozen "pre
cooked" sausage. She puts them onto a baking sheet and puts them onto the
counter to "set up". Since she likes them realllly cheesy, she tops them with a
slice of Kraft singles and lets them melt while making the sauce, but first
she makes the croissants out of a roll a crescent roll dough. Hmm, it appears
the cardboard tube was pre-opened... She reveals that the trick to making the
rolls is to pinch two sheets together, roll it up, and then twist it into a
pretezel-like shape. As she puts it on the baking sheet, she tells us it'll
look like it just came out of a professional bakery. Yeah, right. She adds this
is a great project for kids, marking this as suitable for any future "Cooking
with your Kids" week Food Network does in the future. She butters them before
putting them into the oven. Suddenly, she's back at the counter top and
grabbing some of the finished product that MV handed off to her from her hiding
spot underneath the camera lens. SLop then starts to talk about the sauce that
everyone makes, but I have no clue about which she speaks since I have no
recollection of ever having a special sauce put onto my croissandwhich. She
starts off by mixing some mayo, and I suddenly realize that the special sauce
she gets on her sandwiches is only special in the "made with extra lovin'" way,
if you get my drift. Anyhow, she squeezes in some lemon juice from a plastic
lemon while instructing us it can be fresh and then quickly adding that it can
also be bottled, and pours in a little hot sauce, warning us that a little goes
a long way so be careful. This from a woman who thinks bell peppers are
"spicy". Her boobs oscillate as she mixes the sauce in earnest and tells us we
would be SURPRISED at how simple they are to make from things out of our
refrigerator. I'm surprised you don't recognize the origins of that "special
sauce". Now onto the sandwiches! She starts to slice the faux-sants by placing
one in the palm of her hand and sawing it with a huge serrated knife towards
her palm. I am SO hoping she has a Dan Acroyd Julia Child moment, but I am not
lucky. SLop tempts fate by doing it again, but no dice. She puts a little sauce
on the bun, then a sausage patty, then nukes it. As she nukes it, she says
these are great for premaking and saving them in the fridge. Hmm, why is she
nuking these anyway? Is she heating up the sauce to body temperature? She
recommends giving this to the kids on the way to the school bus and tells us
not to put the sauce on if they go into the fridge for some reason. SLop tempts
fate a third time and then tries to wrap it in wax paper. She grabs the
faux-sanwhich and starts to chow down as we bop to commercial. Oddly enough,
the glamor shot faux-santwhich appears to have egg on it...

We return from commercial for the pork wantons and I sudden get this odd sense
of deja vu as she tells us the bamboo steamer in her wok filled with water is
ready for the wontons and shares how she uses Napa cabbage leaves to keep them
from sticking to the steamer. Oh yes, she's repeating a recipe from the "Shitty
Wok" ep! She starts off by dumping a can of water chestnuts she got Miss
Stephanie to pilfer from Rachel Ray's set into a strainer (instead of decanting
it into the sink) and then onto a chopping board, catching most of them before
they fall off and onto the floor. As she slices them up, she tells us they look
like little tiny potatoes but are crunchy and make any Asian dish authentic,
whatever that means. After mashing them up, she dumps them into a bowl and adds
scallions. She mentions she normally would use her food processor but cannot
find it. What the hell was that about? Who loses his food processor? With a
gleeful "Me washie handsies! Me washie handsies!", she washes her hands for
some reason before adding a packet of oriental sesame seasoning (from the salad
dressing section of the supermarket), an egg, a tablespoon of ginger, garlic
(but there's not enough in the jar so she shakes out what she can), and sesame
oil, followed by oyster sauce. Finally, she adds some ground pork while
mentioning that chicken can be substituted. She stirs the mixture with a wooden
spoon and with another gleeful gleeful "Me washie handsies with soap! Me washie
handsies with soap!", washes her hands, but then uses the contaminated stirring
spoon to put the filling in the wrappers. The idiot STILL hasn't grasped the
concept! She puts them onto a baking sheet that she coated with corn starch to
keep from sticking to the pan or parchment paper in the pan. I have no clue
what makes her think that or why it would be necessary if she used the
parchment, but let's not dwell on it. After staggering around looking for a
knife, SLop lines the steamer with a couple slices of the cabbage and puts the
wontons into it to cook for less than a minute and shows us a really cute way
to serve them; she produces an oriental food take-out container and fills it
with shredded cabbage (shredded lettuce is fine), jabs a couple chop sticks
into it, and fills it with the barely-heated wontons and adds that she loves
this because they are disposable (thanks to a grant from the garbage collectors
union). With a "One for me! Come here!", she pops one into her mouth and exits
stage left while rolling her eyes in ecstasy.

We return from commercial to see SLop entering from stage right clutching a
bottle of booze. SLop excitedly tells us she was in the pantry looking for her
cream liqueur *wink wink nudge nudge* but then sullenly tells us it's not quite
cocktail time yet. I cannot get a good look at the bottle, but I am betting
it'd only partially full because she seems totally lit. She tells us she's
going to use this to make this great desert, but the glamour shot that flashes
on the screen isn't convincing, which means we're really in for a "treat". She
clumsily opens a package of puff pastry sheets, takes one, and then tosses the
rest onto the counter behind her. She places the sheet onto a baking sheet and
then slices them with the knife with which she sliced the cabbage. Shouldn't
you do that sort of thing on a cutting board so you don't mess up your knife?
Anyhow, she pops them into the oven and shows us some loaves she already made,
then grabs an apple pie and begins to shred it with a fork before deciding she
can do it better if she dumps it all into a bowl. What she did to that poor
apple pie reminded me of what my sister used to do with her food when she was
three years old. I'm just sayin'. Finished shredding her pie, she leaves it to
set for while she takes a tub of partially blurred cool whip and adds some
cinnamon sugar to make it taste home-made. In another bowl, she combines cream
cheese and powdered sugar and them uses a hand mixer on the lowest setting to
mix them. To this she adds the liqueur and clumsily mixes it with the hand
mixer some more. She assembles the napoleons by setting one of the puff loaves
to serve as the top and uses a fork to smash and shred a depression to hold the
filling. Me, I would have used a knife or, even better, used a fork to puncture
the dough so it doesn't puff up when baked. There's a word for this that I saw
on Good Eats once but I can't remember it now. She sets the bottom layer onto
an inverted pan, fills the dough hole with some shredded apple pie, and tops
with the whipped topping mixture. She repeats this with the second puff loaf.
She recommends using a glad bag for the adulterated Cool Whip to make it look
more professional, but in her stupid faux southern drawl, says "Ah jus' wanna
eat et like dis!", then gloats about how one can take something premade,
recycle it, and take all the credit for making it. She tops this with the last
puff load and then uses a glad bag to dribble the cream liqueur stuff over it
all, claiming it will look like you paid a fortune for it at a fancy bakery.
Only if the head backer's name is Otis. Before we head out to commercial, SLop
announces she's going to show us her cocktail as, in ominous foreshadowing, we
see a glamour shot of what she just made sitting on a grill which looks like
half a softball.

When we return from commercial, we can tell by the graphic on the screen that
it's now "Sandra's Cocktail Time!". She announces that her latest cocktail,
can be made from those great energy drinks you buy at the store, but I'm not
sure what it is because the can was pilfered from Rachel Ray's set and
disguised with a red label. Anyhow, this cocktail can be made with some ice,
energy drink and frozen berries, adding that vodka adds "grrrreat" flavour to
it. I can only guess what the energy drink is when she calls this concoction a
"redtini". I think SLop is running out of 'tini names and has now moved on to
colors. Anyhow, she dumps the ingrediants into a red KA blender which didn't
manage to escape and then adds "a little bit of vodka--1, 1 1/2, 2 cups!".
Please try not to get so exicted, SLop, you might pee on the carpet, topped off
with the energy drink, which she notes isn't red but then quickly giggles that
the strawberries will give it the right color. I cannot help but think that
until that moment, SLop didn't know Red Bull isn't red. SLop turns on the
blender and the light pink contents suddenly become a dark blood-red color.

SLop then heads off to the dining room to show us her table-scape. Oh. My.
GAWD! Remember that big ass bag of "paper products" she had at the begining of
the show? Well, she used that to decorare her table. To wit, she covered the
table with some wrapping paper and then left black sharpies all over it for
doodling (what I would like to know is what exactly what she scrawling to her
guest on the table), a little shopping cart for the wontons, and a mini-grill
shaped like a baseball to hold those mutilated apple-pie monstrousities. I
cannot believe ANYONE would consider papering over the dining room table and
then leaving markers for the guests to doodle and play games, well, words just
escape me right now. SLop gives her closing lines and exits stage left.

--
WARNING!!!
Use of these recipes may be hazardous to your health, food budget,
standing in your community and liver function. Use at your own risk!! We
assume no liability from any illness or injury sustained while eating the
"food" or being exposed to crapass tablescapes. And no, we're not sure
where she grew up either. The Cordon Bleu disavows any knowlege of Miss Lee.

Ubiquitous wrote:

>
> During the opening credits, I just noticed that when SLop describes how she's
> been cooking and entertaining for years
>
>
>



You've either got a crush on Sandra and really have the hots for her,
or you've got a s-e-r-i-o-u-s problem.

Mercy, if someone bugged me as much as you bitch about Sandra, I don't
believe I'd watch her. I would delete that channel from my
cable/satellite line-up.

Now go take your Prozac and calm down and quit watching her. You'll
feel better, I guarantee it.

Ubiquitous rambled, blah, blah,blah,--after a 1000-word essay:

"well, words just
escape me right now."

MiGod! I wish they had escaped earlier. I don't particularly care for
Sandra Lee, but YOU are a BORE !! A Bo-o--ore!

itsjoannotjoann wrote:
> Ubiquitous wrote:
>
> >
> > During the opening credits, I just noticed that when SLop describes how she's
> > been cooking and entertaining for years
> >
> >
> >
>
>
>

> Mercy, if someone bugged me as much as you bitch about Sandra, I don't
> believe I'd watch her. I would delete that channel from my
> cable/satellite line-up.
>
> Now go take your Prozac and calm down and quit watching her. You'll
> feel better, I guarantee it.

Goodness no! Please don't stop watching! It's too much fun reading
these recaps!

nancree wrote:
> Ubiquitous rambled, blah, blah,blah,--after a 1000-word essay:
>
> "well, words just
> escape me right now."
>
> MiGod! I wish they had escaped earlier. I don't particularly care for
> Sandra Lee, but YOU are a BORE !! A Bo-o--ore!
>


I must be easily entertained because I think
the OP's reviews are funny.

gloria p

On Thu, 14 Jul 2005 02:33:49 GMT, Puester wrote:

> nancree wrote:
> > Ubiquitous rambled, blah, blah,blah,--after a 1000-word essay:
> >
> > "well, words just
> > escape me right now."
> >
> > MiGod! I wish they had escaped earlier. I don't particularly care for
> > Sandra Lee, but YOU are a BORE !! A Bo-o--ore!
> >
>
>
> I must be easily entertained because I think
> the OP's reviews are funny.
>
I don't think they are funny or entertaining, so I don't read them...
and yes, I think they are a waste of bandwidth. In fact, I'm getting
to the point where I'm not going to read any posts by Ubiquitous until
this nonsense stops.

wrote:

>Mercy, if someone bugged me as much as you bitch about Sandra, I don't
>believe I'd watch her. I would delete that channel from my
>cable/satellite line-up.

And you're reading these recaps which upset you so much because...?

--
WARNING!!!
Use of these recipes may be hazardous to your health, food budget,
standing in your community and liver function. Use at your own risk!! We
assume no liability from any illness or injury sustained while eating the
"food" or being exposed to crapass tablescapes. And no, we're not sure
where she grew up either. The Cordon Bleu disavows any knowlege of Miss Lee.

On Wed, 13 Jul 2005 16:36:25 -0500, (Ubiquitous)
wrote:
>she washes her hands for
>some reason before adding a packet of oriental sesame seasoning (from the salad
>dressing section of the supermarket), an egg, a tablespoon of ginger, garlic

Does anyone else think cracking an egg in the middle of the cutting
board is weird? I've always used the side of the bowl and have never
seen anyone bang one on the counter before SL. I don't know why that
bugs me, but I catch it everytime she does it.

pepsi

> wrote in message
...
> On Wed, 13 Jul 2005 16:36:25 -0500, (Ubiquitous)
> wrote:
>>she washes her hands for
>>some reason before adding a packet of oriental sesame seasoning (from the
>>salad
>>dressing section of the supermarket), an egg, a tablespoon of ginger,
>>garlic
>
> Does anyone else think cracking an egg in the middle of the cutting
> board is weird? I've always used the side of the bowl and have never
> seen anyone bang one on the counter before SL. I don't know why that
> bugs me, but I catch it everytime she does it.
>
> pepsi

I get your drift. Natalee DuPree used to bug me almost everything she did,
but most of all, when she started talking while leaning her elbow on the top
of the Cuisinart in a non-chalant manner, I would go over the edge. These
little things mean a lot.
Dee Dee

Ubiquitous wrote:
>
> SLop enters the kitchen stage right. Oh. My. Gawd! Her kitchen has
> been redone in red, white, and pink, and she's wearing an
> inappropriate and unfortunate tight flower print shirt. And what the
> hell is that french maid apron hanging on her oven door?

Now I am going to be thinking about this all day long...

> bell peppers are "spicy". Her boobs oscillate as she mixes the sauce

Ok, I need to go lie down for a bit.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmAuntSandymmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

wrote:
> On Wed, 13 Jul 2005 16:36:25 -0500, (Ubiquitous)
> wrote:
>
>>she washes her hands for
>>some reason before adding a packet of oriental sesame seasoning (from the salad
>>dressing section of the supermarket), an egg, a tablespoon of ginger, garlic
>
>
> Does anyone else think cracking an egg in the middle of the cutting
> board is weird? I've always used the side of the bowl and have never
> seen anyone bang one on the counter before SL. I don't know why that
> bugs me, but I catch it everytime she does it.

Alton Brown does it that way to avoid "shrapnel". :-) I tried it but
egads what a mess.

I don't find the way she cracks them near as irritating as how much she
throws away. I have yet to see her separate an egg and NOT throw the
part she doesn't have an immediate need for in the trash?

Frankly, I'd like to have the money that woman wastes. Maybe then I
could afford enough eggs to practice and get the hang of cracking them
on the cutting board. :-)

in article , at
wrote on 7/14/05 5:42 AM:

> On Wed, 13 Jul 2005 16:36:25 -0500, (Ubiquitous)
> wrote:
>> she washes her hands for
>> some reason before adding a packet of oriental sesame seasoning (from the
>> salad
>> dressing section of the supermarket), an egg, a tablespoon of ginger, garlic
>
> Does anyone else think cracking an egg in the middle of the cutting
> board is weird? I've always used the side of the bowl and have never
> seen anyone bang one on the counter before SL. I don't know why that
> bugs me, but I catch it everytime she does it.
>
> pepsi

I crack 'em on the counter next to the stove all the time, but then it's
tile. I'll use a sharp counter edge if it's handy, but the round ones will
kill you.

Reason? I usually don't HAVE a bowl sitting there. And if you do break it
on the side of the bowl you're putting a bunch of eggs into, and you make a
mess of it, you fill the bowl with the shells.

Either way works.

I would not crack them in the middle of the cutting board though; not if I
intended to use the cutting board for anything else before it went in the
dishwasher.
--
The "Upward Foundation" in Phoenix AZ, 623-848-9725, are liars and scam
artists. They make junk phone calls often several times a day to the same
number and refuse to remove you from their calling list (they will give you
a non working number to call to be removed). This has been going on for a
decade. Do not deal with them.

Puester wrote:
> nancree wrote:
> > Ubiquitous rambled, blah, blah,blah,--after a 1000-word essay:
> >
> > "well, words just
> > escape me right now."
> >
> > MiGod! I wish they had escaped earlier. I don't particularly care for
> > Sandra Lee, but YOU are a BORE !! A Bo-o--ore!
> >
>
>
> I must be easily entertained because I think
> the OP's reviews are funny.

I think they're entertaining also, and it's fun to read another
person's take on that show. Actually, I think SL's show is boring and
excruciatingly artificial (e.g., soft-focus lens, golden filter on the
camera, ever changing kitchen colors, the pseudo-Martha table
treatments, etc.) IMO, any show (and performer) is fair game for
criticism, satire, or even harsher derision.

As it happens, I saw the last half of the SL show Ubiquitous just wrote
about and I did think it was pretty awful. For example, SL
demonstrated serving her food and filled up a take-out container with
shredded raw cabbage, with two steamed won tons on top. No sauce,
spices, herbs, or any other flavoring for the cabbage. I don't think
that I've ever seen any person/restaurant serve a pile of raw,
unseasoned cabbage to someone. And *two* small won tons? A 4 yr old
wouldn't be satisfied with that meager serving.

I watched her construct her Napoleon and my criticism of that is more
asthetic than culinary. I didn't know she had shredded an apple pie to
make her filling so no comment on that. By the time she finished, she
had a high 3 story pastry oozing filling and a whipped
concoction....not appealing to me, the contents dripping down the sides
of the pastry.

Finally, the cocktail....rather puzzling. The fresh fruit was fine and
seemed a very good beginning. Then among various liquids she added an
energy drink (name unknown). An energy drink? The purpose of that was
??? For color? Sweetness? For the caffeine jolt? Was her cocktail
supposed to be an alcoholic health drink? Just not well-conceived at
all.

I watch cooking shows to learn about technique mainly and different
ways to prepare food. For the most part the cooks on Food Network are
not those who attract me because they're not really teaching their
craft. Alton Brown is very good, IMO, as is Emeril (altho his antics
put me off and waste a lot of broadcast time).

The cooking shows I really enjoy are not on TFN; they're on PBS.
Jacques Pepin, Lidia, America's Test Kitchen, Martin Yan, Rick
Bayless....authentic, professional, well-conceived and executed.

Mac

On 14 Jul 2005 11:00:26 -0700, wrote:

> Lidia,

I love Lidia and wondered where she is (still get the newsletter)...
she's on pbs! There are just too many channels to watch on cable and
I'm not a surfer, so I tend to stay focused on one. HGTV is my
current passion. The History Channel was my last one.

Ubiquitous wrote:

> the dough so it doesn't puff up when baked. There's a word for this that I saw
> on Good Eats once but I can't remember it now. She sets the bottom layer onto

I think that fork-poking thing is called "docking," if I remember
correctly.

N.

In article >,
wrote:

>Sandra "SLop" Lee is the Semi HO of foodnetwork. From her jiggly D cups
>(implants) to her rampant abuse of perfectly good cuts of meat, she
>deserves to be slathered and marinated in one of her stupid "packets".

I think if I had to pick a favorite epi it would be this one. So many
bizarre elements in one show:

-- The missing food processor

-- The destroyed apple pie

-- The baseball grill

--The cocktail guaranteed to get you smashed & wired simultaneously

--The unnecessary bag-piping of the "creme likooor" sauce when
drizzling-by-spoon would have sufficed

--The paper tablecloth and magic markers. What would her guests write on
the table? "Help meeeee!"

In article >,
wrote:
>
>Ubiquitous wrote:
>>
>> SLop enters the kitchen stage right. Oh. My. Gawd! Her kitchen has
>> been redone in red, white, and pink, and she's wearing an
>> inappropriate and unfortunate tight flower print shirt. And what the
>> hell is that french maid apron hanging on her oven door?
>
>Now I am going to be thinking about this all day long...

Why DID she put a dress on her oven?

In article <e93dd75ba8cc2be284105b46f8bdd9@anubis>,
wrote:
>
>In article >,
wrote:
>>
>>Ubiquitous wrote:
>>>
>>> SLop enters the kitchen stage right. Oh. My. Gawd! Her kitchen has
>>> been redone in red, white, and pink, and she's wearing an
>>> inappropriate and unfortunate tight flower print shirt. And what the
>>> hell is that french maid apron hanging on her oven door?
>>
>>Now I am going to be thinking about this all day long...
>
>Why DID she put a dress on her oven?

Even ovens like to feel pretty once in a while?

Because her oven and blender (Coleen) are her only real friends?

In article >, wrote:

>Anyhow, she pops them into the oven and shows us some loaves she already made,
>then grabs an apple pie and begins to shred it with a fork before deciding she
>can do it better if she dumps it all into a bowl. What she did to that poor
>apple pie reminded me of what my sister used to do with her food when she was
>three years old. I'm just sayin'. Finished shredding her pie, she leaves it to
>set for while she takes a tub of partially blurred cool whip and adds some
>cinnamon sugar to make it taste home-made.

That poor apple pie. It just wanted to be loved. It hoped to be heated up
as per directions, served with vanilla ice cream...maybe some sharp cheddar
cheese instead, but no. Instead, it was massacred and used as a filling for
some Sandra Lee Monstrocity. *sheds a tear*

wrote:
>Ubiquitous wrote:

>> the dough so it doesn't puff up when baked. There's a word for this that I
>> saw on Good Eats once but I can't remember it now. She sets the bottom
>> layer onto
>
>I think that fork-poking thing is called "docking," if I remember
>correctly.

You are correct. I wound up looking it up at a later point.

--
WARNING!!!
Use of these recipes may be hazardous to your health, food budget,
standing in your community and liver function. Use at your own risk!! We
assume no liability from any illness or injury sustained while eating the
"food" or being exposed to crapass tablescapes. And no, we're not sure
where she grew up either. The Cordon Bleu disavows any knowlege of Miss Lee.