On 4/3/2016 11:38 PM, Nomen Nescio wrote:
> Woman Arrested For Stinking Up
> Bathroom And Closing Down
> Restaurant
>
> Woodbridge, VA - Police and
> fire-paramedics were called to
> a restaurant when it had to
> close its doors early on Tuesday
> evening after a woman spent
> 45 minutes in the bathroom
> causing (quote)unbearable,
> inhuman stench(quote).
>
> Heather A. Banks, also known
> as Heather Lippolt, aged 44,
> of Woodbrige, VA, was arrested
> at the scene.
>
> Witnesses report that Heather
> A. Banks kicked open the restaurant
> doors, shouting (quote)out of the way,
> I’m prairie-dogging!(quote) and ran
> through the dining area, which
> was at capacity.
>
> (quote)We were so crowded, people were
> waiting up to two hours for a
> table,(quote) says the hostess.
>
> (quote)In comes this crazy woman,
> already smelling like she dumped in
> her pants, running towards the
> bathroom.(quote)
>
> One customer adds, (quote)I couldn’t
> breathe. I knew she was in there
> blasting fudge monkeys, but the
> smell was toxic. I had to take
> my son to the hospital, they
> thought he was exposed to sulphur.
> This woman is a monster. Human
> beings are not capable of
> something so foul.(quote)
>
> The first responding firefighters
> had to go in with oxygen tanks.
>
> (quote)Never in my 30 years on
> the job have I smelled anything so
> rancid,(quote) states the Fire Chief.
>
> (quote)It was dangerous sending my
> guys in there, but we had to rescue
> the 200 people trapped and unable
> to move. These men are heroes.(quote)
>
> Heather A. Banks was arrested for
> domestic terrorism and held on
> four million dollars bail.
>
> Heather A. Banks a.k.a. Heather Lippolt
>
> Kook Of The Month, August 2015
>
> Heather Lippolt Nose Fetishist Award, Founder
> And Inaugural Recipient, August 2015
>
> Heather A. Banks a.k.a. Heather Lippolt
>
> Sociopath, Habitual Liar, Drug Addict, Thief,
> Prostitute, and Violent Convicted Criminal
>
> Owner Of The Most Massive Sense Of
> Entitlement You Will Ever Encounter.
>
> 2507 Linwood Lane
> Woodbridge, VA 22192-3402
>
> (703) 470-9935
>
> http://www.facebook.com/heather.a.banks
>
> (You must be logged in to Facebook to see
> my profile)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Proudly Stinking Up The World Since 1972
>
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________

You mayn't believe this, but something most similar happened to your old
Colonel some fifteen years ago. We, a friend and I, found ourselves at a
local Chink eatery in late afternoon, where I ordered the Kung Pao beef
plate, a spicy stir-fry dish made with chicken, peanuts, vegetables, and
super-hawt chili peppers. I perhaps committed an injudicious snafu
when I advised our waitress to make it “hotter 'n a freshly ****ed fox
in a forest fire,” though not necessary in such an accursed way. To
which she politely replied, "Kung Pao? It's already hot."

"You can't make it hot enough for me," I admonished, and told her to
pass along my advice to the kitchen.

An hour or so later found us camped out at a nearby tavern. That's when
it hit me. Thinking it only gas, I let one rip. . . . Oh, gawd
almighty, it was a fusking wet one.* That boggy sensation was
unmistakable; I had really fouled myself. I made a bee line for the
shitter, in the rear of the bar just behind the pool table. I just
couldn't stop going and going and going! Several times an incautious
soul tried entry, then hastily evacuated. The atmosphere hung like a
thick, feculent pall throughout.

Outside the shithouse a froup of patrons had assembled, apparently much
entertained by me, while at the same time horrified by the terrific odor
within, which escaped whenever the door was carelessly opened by some
unsuspecting patron.

My underpants were, obviously, a done deal, so I slipped 'em off between
shits and left 'em hanging, as a joke, on the toilet handle. Someone,
probably the owner, would deal with ‘em later. I laughed to myself a
little considering the folks who would be morally shocked and
terrifically horrified at the sight. Then I got the **** outa there.
Needless to say, I have not had the courage to return to that particular
tavern since.

The End ;-)

*A wet fart is not in fact wet. Rather, the condition is caused by the
sphincter muscle rippling at something approximating 4x the speed of
sound. This catastrophic disruption to one’s anus causes what is known
in the medical profession as “nerve confusion.” Basically nerves around
the anus are completely shocked by said calamitous flatulence, and they
immediately begin searching for the appropriate response to send to the
brain. Pain receptors, which have been temporarily traumatized, are
certainly of no use; so the nerves reaction is either a pleasant
anesthetic tingling, or, as in 90% of these instances, a definite
sensation or feeling of wetness.

Any questions?

Do not contact me in any way in the future. Your harassment is documented and legal action being taken.

Heather Lippolt

On Friday, August 11, 2017 at 1:28:03 PM UTC-5, wrote:
> Do not contact me in any way in the future. Your harassment is documented and legal action being taken.
>
> Heather Lippolt

ROFL!!! :-)

John Kuthe...