This ep starts with SLop in front of a house with Kimber. As Kimber takes the
store-bought bundt cakes inside, SLop rattles off this week's menu. What the
hell is that green thing sticking out of her grocery bag? It looks like a
green leafy vegetable of some sort, but this is SLop! I am so confused...

SLop begins working on the sweet onion tartlets by adding half of a chopped
Vidalia onion into a pan, throwing out the rest, and giving a shout out to us
about how she normally likes to use frozen ones but is going to make an
exception for Thanksgiving dinner. SLop uses pre-made pie dough to make the
crusts for the tartlettes (don't they already have mini tart shells at the
store?) with a biscuit cutter, then blind-baked the shells. As she removes
them from the oven, she comments on how they popped up perfectly. At this
point, Kimmy brings in "cwanberry molds". SLop makes a cranberry mold by
mixing (not) boiling cranberry juice, orange vodka, and cranberry jello. In
other words, jello shots! SLop puts the fluid into the fridge to set up and
removes one that MV made earlier. As Kim zests an orange, Sandie tells her not
to get the white bitter part of the orange. Kim shoots a "Gee, thanks, sis!"
look at SLop. As they decant the boozy jello into molds, SLop chirps that she
"wants no food fights this year!" because "I don't want to clean it up". I am
guessing that's because The Wallet is no longer around to clean up her
kitchen. Kim wanders off while SLop finishes the tartlets, and we bop off to
commercial break.

When we return from commercial, an awkward post-production voice over recaps
what SLop's done thus far. She starts working on the filling, announcing she
is turning off the onions because they are cooking. She mixes some milk,
"fiend" herbs, and dry onion soup mix with the onion, accompanied by another
voice-over announcing "they add great onion flavor!". She puts a little bit of
the onion into the shells, tops them off with the liquid, and sprinkles some
grated cheese on the top. She then starts on the turkey, declaring "it'll be
good because its full of herbs and butter", by creaming two sticks of butter,
poultry seasoning, minced garlic from a jar, and the contents of a garlic herb
sauce packet. SLop notes that this can be used for garlic bread too. She puts
the butter into a glad bag to make logs. In a manner reminiscent of goatse,
SLop violently dilates the turkey's anal cavity for the butter and stuffing.
Ignoring her own "Me washie handsies" advice, she cuts the butter log into
coin shapes and shoves them into the turkey beneath the skin so that the skin
is crunchy on both sides, smearing the leftover butter all over it. Too
little, too late, SLop rinses her hands off in the sink and spots some turkeys
that are conveniently wandering around in the back yard, declaring "Aren't
they cute? I almost feel guilty about them". SLop prepares the roaster pan by
placing sliced carrots and celery on bottom, along with a bag of frozen onions
(too bad she threw that vidalia from earlier away!), and can of chicken broth.
Then the turkey rape begins... she shoves in butter, then lemon slices, a
couple bags of rosemary, the rest of the frozen onions, and a final bag of
herbs. She tells us it's OK if the herbs stick out of the cavity and, ignoring
her own "Me washie handsies" advice again, shills a cheesy pop-up thermometer
in lieu of a real meat thermometer, dumps a ramikin of salt onto the turkey
butt, and puts the turkey into the oven as we bop out to commercial break

When we return from commercial SLop makes cornbread stuffing with a loaf of
cornbread (I have never seen those before), some chicken broth for great
flavor, an egg, 2 tbls from a package of Italian herb seasoning, a can of
creamed corn (for "corn chunks"), a cup of Monterey jack cheese, and
chestnuts, except SLop apparently thinks water chestnuts are chestnuts packed
in water so she used those instead. Before adding the water chestnuts, she
attempts to dice them but only manages to mulch them. As she carefully stirs
in some chicken broth, we abruptly cut to commercials.

When we return from commercial, SLop removes the turkey from the oven and
tells us not to carve it for 30 minutes, interupted by an awkward voice-over
saying "rich and moist and delicious!" and returning just in time to see her
struggling with moving the turkey to a platter using a pair of iron claws.
Beaming with some weird sense of accomplishment, she beams "Pretty good for a
girl, huh?". Yeah, whatever. She then makes gravy from the pan drippings.

I've seen gravy before and that was turkey flour soup, not gravy. Instead of
putting the roasting pan on the stove and adding flour to make gravy, she
transferred the vegtables to a strainer, dumped the contents of the pan over
the vegtables, poured the drained fluid into a fat seperator, then poured it
immediately into a saucepan before the fat could seperate, and added a packet
of poultry seasoning and "gravy flour" (whatever that is, so there's no way to
**** up and have lumps), dirtying half a dozen dishes and removing all the fat
and good stuff from the bottom of the pan in the process.

Sandra introduces her next konkoction by announcing "And now for the yummy
vegetables!" as we suddenly cut to a shot of a pan of bacon swimming in
grease. She tries to make a version of that nasty green bean casserole
everyone makes but adds peas, onions, bacon, and a packet of garlic herb
seasoning and gives this concoction an incredibly long name, "garlic herb
french green bean and early pea casserole". SLop tells us to use tongs to toss
the casserole because the peas would get mushed if you used a spoon or fork.
Only if you tried to, moron.

Why is SLop using bath towels as potholders?

SLop atempted to make mashers with a bag of frozen roasted potatoes that she
microwaved. When she tried to mash them, it was obvious that they had become
vulcanized in the oven. In a saucepan, SLop mixed buttermilk, a half stick of
butter, and a packet of alfredo sauce (because she likes parmesian cheese,
which is what makes alfredo sauce taste so good). She whisked the contents of
the sauce pan but when she pulled the whisk out the stick of unmelted butter
was stuck to it. She added the mixture to the smashed up potatoes, producing a
grey-brown lump.

SLop pours the vomitous beans into a platter. It looks like something a cow
would hork up from one of its four stomachs.

SLop next makes some sort of appetizer with figs, mentioning that if fresh
ones are not available one can substitute dried ones. She bisects them
lengthwise, pipes goat cheese onto them, wraps them in prosciutto, sprinkles
them with pumpkin pie spice, and drizzles them with honey before putting them
in the oven and we bop out to commercial.

When we return from commercial, Sandie's removing the stuffing from the oven
and deep throats one of the figs, but we cut away to a "Mmmmm" and her
beginning her Native American Indian pudding by mixing muffin mix,
butterscotch pudding (an old Native American tradition), eggs, molasses,
ginger, and brown cinnamon (noting that pumpkin pie spice can be substituted).
She combines the dry ingredients and the wet ones separately, because the
molasses is too thick to dump directly into the dry ingredients. Pouring the
wet ingredients into the dry, she exclaims "You can see how rich this is!" and
whisks them and pours it into a slow cooker insert. This time we are spared
that monkey business about putting hot things in a cold crock pot (or vica
versa).

SLop next makes a wreath out of whack-a-dough biscuits. SLop tells us that she
likes to use pumpkin pie spice is everything. Oh really? She dips the biscuits
into cinnamon, takes a rolling pin to them, and stamps out leaves with a
cookie-cutter. On a baking sheet she makes a ring with the leaves, stems
pointed inward and overlapped. With the remaining dough, she makes smaller
leaves and meticulously carves veins into them. For the wreath she makes an
egg wash coating, telling us that it forms a nice sheen and shimmer and then
sprinkles it with raw sugar. Taking a wreath she already baked, she makes a
glaze with watery maple syrup (Does she top off her syrup jar with water too?)
and powdered sugar. As we bop out to commercial she announces her Mayflower
Martini

When we return from commercial, we see a montage of SLop lighting candles,
setting up her table scapes, greeting guests, etc. It appears that she has a
new family now, with the exception of Kimber. SLop enters stage left with
Rafael, a cute young Italian man who reminds me of Joey from "Friends" for
this week's "cocktail time!". Not surprisingly, she clumsily flirts with him
the entire time. Shockingly, however, she dumps the liquor Rafael used to
rinse out their glasses into the sink. Her choice of choking hazard this week
are frozen cranberries. SLop apparently looted the set where Land of the
Giants was filmed, judging by the size of the martini glasses she used.
Mayflower Martini in hand, SLop abandons Rafael to make drinks in the kitchen
while she shows us her tablescape. SLop gushes about the usual crappy table
runners and stacks of plates, and shows us how she also put table runners on
all the chairs and tied them off with ribbons. As usual, there is no room on
table for the food, for which I am sure her guests are most thankful. She took
the bundt cakes that Kimber took inside at the beginning of the show and
stuffed "nose gays" into them. She also used those jello shooters she made
earlier as place settings and put cards with everyone's name in them, and of
course, she repeated the ol' "leaves wired to stemware" trick. SLop tells us
she has to go get dressed before taking off and leaving us with a bucolic
montage of food, her guests sitting down, and a guy carving a turkey. SLop
introduces the man carving the turkey as Santos, who shoots her a withering
gaze. For those who watch Emeril's show, you will recognize Santos as one of
his sous chefs. Gee, I wonder what he did to receive this as punishment? SLop
and her poor guests begin to eat, but "strangely" enough, we never see anyone
actually put any of her Food of Shame into their mouths. SLop exclaims "This
turkey is GREAT!!", followed by a sudden cut to a man staring at her in shock
and awe. Busted, Sandie!

--
WARNING!!!
Use of these recipes may be hazardous to your health, food budget,
standing in your community and liver function. Use at your own risk!! We
assume no liability from any illness or injury sustained while eating the
"food" or being exposed to crapass tablescapes. And no, we're not sure
where she grew up either. The Cordon Bleu disavows any knowlege of Miss Lee.