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Old 04-07-2013, 04:13 PM posted to alt.food.barbecue
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Posts: 41
Default OT/IT'S A MAN THING

IT'S A MAN THING

About 2 weeks ago, I was looking around the Web for the
BIGGEST sky
rocket that I could get shipped to me via common freight
carrier. I
located a fireworks importer in Wisconsin who had this mondo
sky
rocket--biggest thing I had ever seen--called a SkyDragon.
These things
are 48 inches tall and are mounted on a 1/2-inch wooden
dowel. Pure
aerospace engineering.

I plopped down a bunch of money and had him send me two
cases of these
things. They arrived at the freight dock a few days ago and
I had to
drive the van over to pick them up. Two boxes each 2 feet
by 2 feet by 4
feet in size containing 80 rockets each. The 'Class 4
Explosives'
sticker on the side of each box was a real bonus. I am
gonna have to save
them for the scrapbook.

That night, me and the kiddos had a gen-u-ine rocket launch
ceremony. I
placed one of these beauties in a liter-size glass bottle
and the bottle
fell over. Hmmmm- this thing was waaay too big. I looked
around the shop
for a pipe to set it in, but realized that the only dirt I
could drive the
pipe into was in plain sight of my neighbor's house. I knew
he was a cool
guy, but I didn't want him to call the cops. You see-
'projectile-type'
fireworks are totally illegal in this county. I was
surprised that the
Buncombe County Sheriff Department wasn't waiting for me at
the loading
dock when I picked these things up. Anyhow, I finally
rigged a launch pad
by prying up one of the driveway drain grates with a crowbar
and sitting
the stick into the deep pit. Looked sorta like an ICBM silo
with its
hardened lid slid aside.

I asked which of my three kids wanted to light the fuse, but
all took a
few steps back and politely declined. Chickenshits. Kids
just aren't
made the same nowadays. They fulfill their danger quotient
by shooting
bad guys in video games. About as far from real danger as
you can get, if
you ask me.

I told the little weenies to stand back as I bent to light
the device
with a Bic lighter.

The lady at the fireworks importer promised me that these
things would
NOT make any noise. I told her that they HAD to be
relatively quiet so I
could shoot them off in my neighborhood without causing
'undue alarm'. She
said I wouldn't have any problem. I emphasized the
particular legal
problems I would have if there were any type of loud report
at apogee. I
emphasized the fact that I lived right next to a National
Park and that
any type of firework that was discharged or assumed to be
discharged on
that property would get me sent before a FEDERAL judge right
before I got
sent to the COUNTY judge. She again assured me I would have
no problem.

That lying bitch.

That rocket engine had a burn time about as long as any I
had EVER seen,
and the ascent echoed off the surrounding trees. Diamond
shock pattern
extended from the back end. It kept going and going and
going. When it
hit apogee at about 1000 feet, the rocket disintegrated
into a huge
shower of silent red sparks. Pretty cool, I
thought......until the shower
of sparks burned out and suddenly transformed into a cloud
of extremely
bright and loud explosions. The kids scrambled into the back
door 'Three
Stooges' style (ie: where all three try to get through the
same closed
door at once) and left me standing in the smoking haze
waiting for the
cops to arrive. The dogs that live along our street were all
barking their
heads off at the apparition they had just witnessed in the
night sky

That ended the fireworks test for the night.

The next day, my oldest son Doug and I decided we were gonna
'neuter' one
of the rockets so it wouldn't make any noise. I took him
into the closet
where I store the gardening tools and he saw these two huge
cases of
fireworks standing there. The kid went nuts. He wanted to
open BOTH
boxes so he could see what all 159 rockets looked like lined
up next to
each other. This kid has promise. I told him: "Since mom
only thinks I
have a few of these things lying around, maybe that wasn't
such a good
idea." He mulled that over for a few seconds, then gave me
a real big
smile in agreement.

We pulled one of the rockets out of the box and re-locked
the closet
door.

He and I both sat down on the driveway and proceeded to take
it apart. It
was a standard issue big-ass Chinese sky rocket. I bet they
used these to
kill people 500 years ago. As I sat there taking layer
after layer of
paper off, his brain was filling with the details of
construction. Tissue,
cardboard, plastic, fuses...etc. Realizing that he was
mentally storing
the design for some future project sorta made me shudder.
All I was
thinking was the fact that this thing was probably put
together by a
political prisoner in a hellhole somewhere who is probably
gonna get
'executed' so they can sell his internal organs on the
transplant market.

Probably not too far from the facts, but I managed to do a
bit of
explaining to him from the standpoint of aerospace
engineering regarding
how the thing worked. Doug is probably the only 4th grader
in the U.S.
who can now describe the principle of thrust using a control
volume model.

The rocket was pretty simple. It had a very large booster
engine topped
with a warhead that contained the red sparkly things that
exploded.
Removing the warhead was as simple as giving a quick twist,
and I assumed
the neutered rocket would fly higher without the payload. I
was correct.
Doug and I did a daylight 'stealth' test and were able to
add about 50% to
the altitude attained the previous night. We decided to
modify four more
rockets and put them aside in the closet for easy access.
When this was
done, Doug had a jar full of stuff that came out of the
warheads
including: 12 fuses about 3-inches long each, some paper, 4
plastic
nosecones and a big handfull of these little black balls
about the size of
12-gauge buckshot that turned out to be the 'red sparkly
popper things'.
It appeared that the outer layer was a simple gunpowder
coating designed
to quickly burn off as red shower of sparks. I surmised
that the inner
core had some kind of magnesium thermite that gave off an
intense white
light and a loud bang. Pretty cool if you ask me. Lots of
energy packed
into one teeny little ball.

I didn't want to see the popper thingies go to waste, so I
told Doug we
were gonna put them in a hole in the ground and set them
off. He gave me
another big smile.

It's amazing how kids think alike...even when separated by
30 years.

As I was digging a shallow hole with my hand, Doug asked if
it would be
alright to put an army man next to these things so that
"When they go off,
it would look like he was getting shot with a maching gun".
Dang....exactly what I was thinking. I agreed and he ran
off to his room
to dig something out of the mess. He returned in about 3
seconds, out of
breath and holding a cheap plastic imitation of Robert E.
Lee on
horseback and a Civil War cannon. I pointed out that they
didn't have
true machine guns in the Civil War, but we would overlook
this for the
purpose of the demonstration. He handed me the action
figure and I placed
it and the cannon next to a rather large pile of black beads
from which a
few of the fuses extended.

I figured that three inches of fuse would take 2 seconds to
burn, so I
had at least that amount of time to stand up and take a few
steps back. I
neglected to recount the night before.....when the warhead
ignited
IMMEDIATELY upon reaching apogee. Tricky Chinese. They had
installed
extremely fast-burning fuse in these things and that fact
totally escaped
me.

I squatted next to Robert Lee and gave a short eulogy. Doug
laughed. I
took the trusty Bic lighter and placed it next to the fuse.
One flick got
the lighter going and THIS IMAGE IS ONE I WILL REMEMBER FOR
A LONG TIME.
My hand holding a lighter next to a pile of explosives.

There is usually a short but noticeable mental pause that
occurs
immediately before something bad or really stupid happens.
It is where
that little voice in your head says: "You dumbass."

The fuse burn time was in the 1/1000ths of a second range.
The pile of
little popper thingy's immediately ignited into a
tremendously brilliant
ball of fire. All I could think was
...."...th....th.....thermite..."
Unfortunately, when they are viewed at ground level, these
little popper
thingies become REALLY BIG POPPER THINGIES and have a
tendency to jump up
to 15-feet in every direction from their point of ignition.
I
instantaneously became engulfed in a ball of fire that
sounded a lot like
being in a half-done bag of Orville Reddenbacher's popcorn.

It was all over about as fast as I could snap my fingers.

After the smoke cleared, Doug started laughing his butt off.
That meant
I was still in one piece. Doug does not laugh at
dismembered limbs. He
said I jumped about 10-feet, an action that I do not
remember. I checked
my clothes for burn marks, and found none. He checked my
back to make
sure it was not on fire. No combustion there. The driveway
was peppered
with black holes where the concrete had been scarred from
these things.

A close one. Another REAL close one. My mind ran the tapes
again to
re-hash what it had seen. All I remembered was being inside
something
akin to a 30-foot diameter........flaming dandelion. Whew.

We examined Ol' Robert E. at ground-zero.

Instead of a machine-gun peppering, he got nuked. He and
the horse he
rode in on.......and his cannon too. One side was
untouched, but the
other side was arc-welded. Real warfare. Doug examined it
real
quiet-like and then started laughing again.

I assume he will remember the finer points of the lesson as
he grows
older. When I now speak of 'almost being burned beyond
recognition' he
will have a slightly better understanding of what I mean. I
hope that
this vivid image tempers the knowledge he now has regarding
rocket
construction. O well. After all, if your dad isn't gonna
teach you how to
get your ass blown off, who will?



Disclaimer:
I did not write this, but it still makes me laugh every time
I read it






  #2 (permalink)   Report Post  
Old 04-07-2013, 04:46 PM posted to alt.food.barbecue
external usenet poster
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,017
Default OT/IT'S A MAN THING

On 7/4/2013 9:13 AM, ChairMan wrote:
IT'S A MAN THING

About 2 weeks ago, I was looking around the Web for the
BIGGEST sky
rocket that I could get shipped to me via common freight
carrier. I
located a fireworks importer in Wisconsin who had this mondo
sky
rocket--biggest thing I had ever seen--called a SkyDragon.
These things
are 48 inches tall and are mounted on a 1/2-inch wooden
dowel. Pure
aerospace engineering.

I plopped down a bunch of money and had him send me two
cases of these
things. They arrived at the freight dock a few days ago and
I had to
drive the van over to pick them up. Two boxes each 2 feet
by 2 feet by 4
feet in size containing 80 rockets each. The 'Class 4
Explosives'
sticker on the side of each box was a real bonus. I am
gonna have to save
them for the scrapbook.

That night, me and the kiddos had a gen-u-ine rocket launch
ceremony. I
placed one of these beauties in a liter-size glass bottle
and the bottle
fell over. Hmmmm- this thing was waaay too big. I looked
around the shop
for a pipe to set it in, but realized that the only dirt I
could drive the
pipe into was in plain sight of my neighbor's house. I knew
he was a cool
guy, but I didn't want him to call the cops. You see-
'projectile-type'
fireworks are totally illegal in this county. I was
surprised that the
Buncombe County Sheriff Department wasn't waiting for me at
the loading
dock when I picked these things up. Anyhow, I finally
rigged a launch pad
by prying up one of the driveway drain grates with a crowbar
and sitting
the stick into the deep pit. Looked sorta like an ICBM silo
with its
hardened lid slid aside.

I asked which of my three kids wanted to light the fuse, but
all took a
few steps back and politely declined. Chickenshits. Kids
just aren't
made the same nowadays. They fulfill their danger quotient
by shooting
bad guys in video games. About as far from real danger as
you can get, if
you ask me.

I told the little weenies to stand back as I bent to light
the device
with a Bic lighter.

The lady at the fireworks importer promised me that these
things would
NOT make any noise. I told her that they HAD to be
relatively quiet so I
could shoot them off in my neighborhood without causing
'undue alarm'. She
said I wouldn't have any problem. I emphasized the
particular legal
problems I would have if there were any type of loud report
at apogee. I
emphasized the fact that I lived right next to a National
Park and that
any type of firework that was discharged or assumed to be
discharged on
that property would get me sent before a FEDERAL judge right
before I got
sent to the COUNTY judge. She again assured me I would have
no problem.

That lying bitch.

That rocket engine had a burn time about as long as any I
had EVER seen,
and the ascent echoed off the surrounding trees. Diamond
shock pattern
extended from the back end. It kept going and going and
going. When it
hit apogee at about 1000 feet, the rocket disintegrated
into a huge
shower of silent red sparks. Pretty cool, I
thought......until the shower
of sparks burned out and suddenly transformed into a cloud
of extremely
bright and loud explosions. The kids scrambled into the back
door 'Three
Stooges' style (ie: where all three try to get through the
same closed
door at once) and left me standing in the smoking haze
waiting for the
cops to arrive. The dogs that live along our street were all
barking their
heads off at the apparition they had just witnessed in the
night sky

That ended the fireworks test for the night.

The next day, my oldest son Doug and I decided we were gonna
'neuter' one
of the rockets so it wouldn't make any noise. I took him
into the closet
where I store the gardening tools and he saw these two huge
cases of
fireworks standing there. The kid went nuts. He wanted to
open BOTH
boxes so he could see what all 159 rockets looked like lined
up next to
each other. This kid has promise. I told him: "Since mom
only thinks I
have a few of these things lying around, maybe that wasn't
such a good
idea." He mulled that over for a few seconds, then gave me
a real big
smile in agreement.

We pulled one of the rockets out of the box and re-locked
the closet
door.

He and I both sat down on the driveway and proceeded to take
it apart. It
was a standard issue big-ass Chinese sky rocket. I bet they
used these to
kill people 500 years ago. As I sat there taking layer
after layer of
paper off, his brain was filling with the details of
construction. Tissue,
cardboard, plastic, fuses...etc. Realizing that he was
mentally storing
the design for some future project sorta made me shudder.
All I was
thinking was the fact that this thing was probably put
together by a
political prisoner in a hellhole somewhere who is probably
gonna get
'executed' so they can sell his internal organs on the
transplant market.

Probably not too far from the facts, but I managed to do a
bit of
explaining to him from the standpoint of aerospace
engineering regarding
how the thing worked. Doug is probably the only 4th grader
in the U.S.
who can now describe the principle of thrust using a control
volume model.

The rocket was pretty simple. It had a very large booster
engine topped
with a warhead that contained the red sparkly things that
exploded.
Removing the warhead was as simple as giving a quick twist,
and I assumed
the neutered rocket would fly higher without the payload. I
was correct.
Doug and I did a daylight 'stealth' test and were able to
add about 50% to
the altitude attained the previous night. We decided to
modify four more
rockets and put them aside in the closet for easy access.
When this was
done, Doug had a jar full of stuff that came out of the
warheads
including: 12 fuses about 3-inches long each, some paper, 4
plastic
nosecones and a big handfull of these little black balls
about the size of
12-gauge buckshot that turned out to be the 'red sparkly
popper things'.
It appeared that the outer layer was a simple gunpowder
coating designed
to quickly burn off as red shower of sparks. I surmised
that the inner
core had some kind of magnesium thermite that gave off an
intense white
light and a loud bang. Pretty cool if you ask me. Lots of
energy packed
into one teeny little ball.

I didn't want to see the popper thingies go to waste, so I
told Doug we
were gonna put them in a hole in the ground and set them
off. He gave me
another big smile.

It's amazing how kids think alike...even when separated by
30 years.

As I was digging a shallow hole with my hand, Doug asked if
it would be
alright to put an army man next to these things so that
"When they go off,
it would look like he was getting shot with a maching gun".
Dang....exactly what I was thinking. I agreed and he ran
off to his room
to dig something out of the mess. He returned in about 3
seconds, out of
breath and holding a cheap plastic imitation of Robert E.
Lee on
horseback and a Civil War cannon. I pointed out that they
didn't have
true machine guns in the Civil War, but we would overlook
this for the
purpose of the demonstration. He handed me the action
figure and I placed
it and the cannon next to a rather large pile of black beads
from which a
few of the fuses extended.

I figured that three inches of fuse would take 2 seconds to
burn, so I
had at least that amount of time to stand up and take a few
steps back. I
neglected to recount the night before.....when the warhead
ignited
IMMEDIATELY upon reaching apogee. Tricky Chinese. They had
installed
extremely fast-burning fuse in these things and that fact
totally escaped
me.

I squatted next to Robert Lee and gave a short eulogy. Doug
laughed. I
took the trusty Bic lighter and placed it next to the fuse.
One flick got
the lighter going and THIS IMAGE IS ONE I WILL REMEMBER FOR
A LONG TIME.
My hand holding a lighter next to a pile of explosives.

There is usually a short but noticeable mental pause that
occurs
immediately before something bad or really stupid happens.
It is where
that little voice in your head says: "You dumbass."

The fuse burn time was in the 1/1000ths of a second range.
The pile of
little popper thingy's immediately ignited into a
tremendously brilliant
ball of fire. All I could think was
..."...th....th.....thermite..."
Unfortunately, when they are viewed at ground level, these
little popper
thingies become REALLY BIG POPPER THINGIES and have a
tendency to jump up
to 15-feet in every direction from their point of ignition.
I
instantaneously became engulfed in a ball of fire that
sounded a lot like
being in a half-done bag of Orville Reddenbacher's popcorn.

It was all over about as fast as I could snap my fingers.

After the smoke cleared, Doug started laughing his butt off.
That meant
I was still in one piece. Doug does not laugh at
dismembered limbs. He
said I jumped about 10-feet, an action that I do not
remember. I checked
my clothes for burn marks, and found none. He checked my
back to make
sure it was not on fire. No combustion there. The driveway
was peppered
with black holes where the concrete had been scarred from
these things.

A close one. Another REAL close one. My mind ran the tapes
again to
re-hash what it had seen. All I remembered was being inside
something
akin to a 30-foot diameter........flaming dandelion. Whew.

We examined Ol' Robert E. at ground-zero.

Instead of a machine-gun peppering, he got nuked. He and
the horse he
rode in on.......and his cannon too. One side was
untouched, but the
other side was arc-welded. Real warfare. Doug examined it
real
quiet-like and then started laughing again.

I assume he will remember the finer points of the lesson as
he grows
older. When I now speak of 'almost being burned beyond
recognition' he
will have a slightly better understanding of what I mean. I
hope that
this vivid image tempers the knowledge he now has regarding
rocket
construction. O well. After all, if your dad isn't gonna
teach you how to
get your ass blown off, who will?



Disclaimer:
I did not write this, but it still makes me laugh every time
I read it


Happy Independence day, it made me laugh as well :-)



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