In article >,
Julia Altshuler > wrote:
> to keep people away from the funeral of their old friend, but I don't
> see why I should have to be social and displaying public grief at
> exactly the moment I don't want to. Insight and advice from people who
> have been there, please.

You don't. The meal is always preceded by an invitation from the pulpit
or lectern or notice in the Order of Service bulletin. No notice, no
invitation, no announcement, no Dead Spread or reception. It might be
expected, but a word to a couple of your folks' old friends should get
the word out that there will be no such event.

A Dead Spread is probably the custom, and may likely be expected for its
opportunity to renew acquaintances and share fond memories of the Newly
Departed, but I don't this Miss Manners or Emily will hang you for
opting out. Not to worry, Toots!

And, please, don't anyone get your knickers in a bunch about
"opportunity to renew acquaintances" because the reality is that that IS
one of the reasons attend a funeral or memorial service. You see the
old neighbor from when you were a kid, exchange pleasantries about
mutual acquaintances; you run into the guy from the office where you
used to work when a former co-worker croaks and remember the others with
whom you both worked and find out what they're doing since the
reorganization and layoffs; you see your cousins who live in town but,
for whatever reasons, the only time you see them is at a family funeral
or wedding and remember when the Newly Departed Cousin used to always
try to tell you what to do when you were all children because they
could, by virtue of family seniority. Or thought they could. Or at
least tried to. That's just how it is. And then you all say, "Gosh, it
was really nice to see you again -- sorry that the circumstances aren't
happier -- and we should get together again soon, and not wait for a
funeral." And then you part ways, never seeing each other again until
the next common acquaintance or family member dies. Reality check.

(And if you really want to limit the number of mourners at a funeral, do
not place a public obituary in the local newsrag. There's no law that
says you have to.) Deal with that fallout when you're up to it. :-/
I hope you won't be planning services soon, Lia. Better than that, I
hope your folks have already done it on their own behalf. I'm thinking
about writing my own obituary. :-)
-Barb
--
http://www.jamlady.eboard.com, updated 1-27-2006, The Best Dead Spread Yet