The weirdest thing happened to me while I was preparing the turkey
this Thanksgiving. I had a coupon for half off a turkey at Target
which is the only kind daughter and I can eat since it comes from a
store that also sells the kind of polyester clothes that my husband
likes to wear around the house. I started rubbing the bird down with
butter and the thing came alive and started flapping its wings, flying
around the kitchen. The next thing I know the bird lunged straight at
me and went for my neck and had me in a strangle hold. Daughter and
husband were laughing their asses off eating Milk Duds and Junior
Mints. I managed to call the pet psychic and put her on speakerphone
and she performed a special turkey chant over the phone and calmed the
bird down just as I was turning blue and about to pass out and it fell
to the ground with a big SPLAT. We then called the fire department
and they stormed into the house and just looked at the bird on the
kitchen floor and kicked it with their feet a couple times and said it
was dead again we should be just fine but they would not take the Evil
turkey away! Even the cats wouldn't go near it but that's not
surprising since they're intolerant to turkey and kitchen floors. I
called the Target Thanksgiving hotline and they wouldn't send anybody
out to collect the turkey either - they told me to put it in the oven
on the clean cycle but we were all too afraid to touch it. We ended
up going to the Bean Buffet for dinner instead but I still have this
turkey on my kitchen floor and teh husband can't pick it up due to
illness. What should I do with it?