On Mon, 23 May 2011 20:32:46 -0400, Ubiquitous > wrote:

> SLop enters wearing a stereotypical tight red Chinese dress with
> chopsticks in
> her hair carrying a red vase with some jasmine in it. Oh great, I can
> tell this
> is going to be off to a great start. She tells us this is going to be a
> very
> special day because her "friend", "You Sigh" is coming out with a new
> cosmetics
> line, so she's going to have a girl's get-togther with terrific Chinese
> food.
> Yeah, terrific is a very apt word for anything SLop cooks, but I wonder
> why
> she's making such a fuss over her neighborhood Avon lady, and I wonder
> if she's
> married to Long Duck Wong or Sum Yung Gui? She looks around and tells us
> "this
> is what my house looks like right before a party" (too bad NO ONE EVER
> SHOWS UP
> AT THEM), but it looks more like she just hosted a house full of drunken
> debauchery and just rolled the last of her guests out the front door.
> SLop then
> reminds us that the star is not just You Sigh, it's her menu. How
> magnanimous
> of her. She gushes about her wonton soup, pork bowel buns (what?), "rich
> and
> delicious" (when ISN'T it?) stir fried beef, and almond cookies. With a
> short
> bow, she exits stage left off to the kitchen as the opening credits
> roll. My
> gawd, I hope they don't see this show in China; this could mean war.
>
> SLop enters the kitchen from stage left, which confuses the heck out of
> me for
> a sec but then I realize she must have staggered around a bit before
> stumbling
> across the kitchen and tells us this episode is all about GREAT Chinese
> cooking
> (I doubt it). She puts some oil into a pan, which sizzles loudly. We're
> starting with wonton soup first because it's her imaginary friend's
> favorite,
> even more than sweet and sour, whatever that is. As she slices some
> chicken,
> she repeats that she's excited about YS's new cosmetic line and how SLop
> made
> herself all up for her and the other guests. Who the hell gets made up
> for an
> Avon demonstration? I do wish SLop would watch what's she's doing as she
> speaks
> so she doesn't lose a finger. She repeats about how she's going to make
> this
> special, but for gawd's sake, it's only an Avon party. She puts the
> chicken
> into a pot to cook which starts to sizzle very loudly. Trying to speak
> over the
> sound of the cooking meat, she makes the filling for the wontons by
> taking some
> pre-ground chicken (pork works too), adding a package of onion soup mix
> and two
> huge tablespoons of sesame oil and oyster sauce, then starts trying to
> stir it
> with the SAME SPOON and decides to get something more suitable -- a
> fork! Hmmm,
> she has yet to wash her hands at this point. She adds some
> strangely-brown-colored garlic from a jar to the filling and returns to a
> silent pot of cooking chicken. She tells us she wants to finish the soup
> because the girls are due to arrive any minute now (yeah, right) and
> adds four
> cans of chicken stock she pilfered from Rachel Ray's pantry. Oddly
> enough,
> however, two are red and two are black (I guess to match her red and
> black
> oriental decor) and she only pours two of them into the pan and then the
> other
> two mysteriously vanish from the counter. SLop confides that she likes
> to make
> her soup at home because by the time she gets them home, the wontons are
> all
> soggy! I don't sppse that's because that's how it's COOKED, is it?
> Moron. She
> adds some low sodium soy sauce (how ironic) and a huge tablespoon of
> sesame
> seed oil and that weird brown garlic. SLop tells us to get the wonton
> wrappers
> in the refrigeration or Asian section at the grocery store and shows us a
> little trick: use water to seal the edges of the wonton. She then folds
> the
> edges over like a tortelini and puts it on a red plate. She announces
> that the
> soup is boiling and tells us how complicated and intimidating Chinese
> food is
> to make as she dumps them into the heavily boiling soup, where they
> almost
> immediately disintegrate into little pieces. SLop then strains some
> pre-sliced
> water chestnuts and "baboo shoots" into a strainer instead of decanting
> them
> over the sink and adds them to the soup, followed by half a package of
> frozen
> mixed vegetables. At this point, I have to add that she is using an
> already
> half-used bag. Anyhow, she recommends mushrooms, carrots, and snap peas,
> but I
> guess anything goes. Before we go to commercial, she tells us she's
> going to
> make beef stir fry and pork "bowel buns" that are so simple you won't be
> afraid
> of them. Believe me, that is NOT why I am afraid...
>
> We return from commercial with SLop entering stage right holding a bamboo
> steamer with a red pot holder. Dumb ass. She tells us that a bamboo
> steamer is
> a kitchen essential for Chinese cooking and tells us she has a fantastic
> trick
> for keeping food from sticking to it. Perhaps I am going out on a limb
> here,
> but wouldn't a wok be essential for cooking Chinese food? Anyhow, she
> starts to
> work on the bowel buns with a trick: use some BBQ pork from those strip
> mall
> quickie fast food Chinese places! Oh gawd! She lifts up a bowl to the
> camera to
> show us and the sound suddenly cuts out on her, followed by a quick jump
> to her
> going to the fridge to get more as we fade to a glamour shot of the
> bowel
> buns. I wonder what she was saying as she waved her hands around that
> bowl?
> She starts the sauce by sauteing some scallions in oil. Whoah! She's
> stirring
> the teflon pan with a WOODEN spoon! She adds a big heaping spoonful of
> that
> nasty brown jar of garlic and white jar of ginger. If I didn't know
> better, I'd
> say she got the two items mixed up. She adds some oyster sauce but all
> we see
> is a glamour shot of a decorative jar of it, followed by what she
> described as
> "Chinese BBQ sauce", or "Hoison". It also is available in the Asian
> section of
> your grocery store, in case you wondered. She takes the take-out BBQ
> pork and
> tries to chop it finer. This time she watches her fingers which are
> precariously close the knife blade as she tells us how she met "You
> Sigh" at a
> dinner party and they became fast friends because they both love Chinese
> food
> and get together every Sunday night for Chinese food, which I find hard
> to
> believe because I seem to recall her telling us she did something else on
> Sunday nights but I don't particularly care enough to look. She dumps
> the BBQ
> pork into the pan and stirs it until it becomes a reddish-brown tarry
> lump to
> simmer some more. SLop then tells us about her trick for getting bowel
> buns out
> of bread sticks which takes me somewhere very unpleasant. She tells us to
> double up on the bread dough so you get double layers of bread stick
> dough,
> whatever that means. She flattens it out and cuts it into strips, then
> rolls
> one into a ball and uses Brycer's toy rolling pin to roll it out.
> Unfortunately, she has trouble welding the toy rolling pin so she ends up
> stretching it out by hand, at which point she decides the tar filling
> need to
> be thickened with a mixture of corn starch and water. When she dumps it
> into
> the pan, it just pools on top of the meat tar so she tries to mix it by
> stirring it without much luck when we suddenly jump to a medium shot of
> her
> with no signs of the slurry in the pan telling us it takes "literally" 15
> seconds. I am pretty sure that's not enough to keep the mixture from
> tasting
> like corn starch is in it. She then tells us to take a tablespoon but
> uses the
> wooden stirring spoon instead, telling us to eyeball it, and puts it in
> the
> center of the dough disk and pulls up edges like a hobo sack and twists
> it
> closed. She puts it on a tray with some previously made ones and remarks
> that
> they are starting to raise now. SLop finally reveals her steamer trick:
> line
> the steamer with napa cabbage to keep it from sticking! That way, if
> you're
> making dumplings or bowel buns they don't stick to the bowl. Hee! As she
> crams
> them into the steamer, she tells us to keep them separate because
> they're going
> to rise. To steam the bowl buns, SLop takes a wok with boiling water in
> it and
> pops the steamer into the wok, then lids the steamer and tells us not to
> put
> the lid onto the wok. Do woks even come with lids, not to mention glass
> ones?
> She then tries her wonton soup. She takes the lid off the pot, revealing
> a
> debris-filled heavily-boiling liquid, asking "doesn't this look like
> you're in
> an authentic Chinese restaurant?" as she ladles the soup with beyond
> soggy
> wonton pieces into a red Japanese soup bowl and proceeds to eat it with a
> Japanese soup spoon. Before we head out to commercials, she threatens us
> with
> beef stir fry, almond cookies, and a fantastic tablescape to party by.
> Yeehaw!
>
> We return form commercial to a glamor shot of beef stir fry and SLop
> telling us
> that beef stir fry is easy to make at home and essential for an Asian
> meal,
> adding you can make it faster and still have a restaurant effect. She
> tells us
> to cut up some sirloin into bite size pieces but doesn't make them
> nearly small
> enough. She puts some oil into a wok and puts the meat into pan to cook.
> While
> it sizzles loudly, she cuts some red pepper by slicing the off the sides
> and
> slicing them into thin strips. It is hard to hear her speak over the
> sizzling
> sounds of the unattended meat in the wok. She eventually gets back to
> stirring
> the meat, which is clearly burnt as she tells us how quickly it cooks
> up. She
> strains some water chestnuts and adds a package of stir fry seasoning to
> water.
> She removes the burnt meat from the pan and adds a big heaping
> tablespoon of
> that brown garlic and ginger, and damn, those spoons are HUGE! She then
> adds
> some unspecified frozen vegetables, water chestnuts, and sliced
> mushrooms.
> After a couple stirs, she adds the peppers and onions, at which point the
> sizzling abruptly stops. She puts the meat back and adds some oyster
> sauce and
> red pepper flakes. She stirs in water and seasoning packet to the barely
> steaming wok and puts a pan of lumpy Minute Rice onto a plate "for
> service"
> with the stir fry on top. "And now for the bowel...", she ominously
> tones. She
> tells us how the bun's not sticking at all, then pulls off a piece of
> cabbage
> leaf. She rips one, revealing a pasty brown wad with an immobile brown
> lump in
> the center and proceeds to shovel it into her mouth as we go to
> commercial.
> We return from commercial break with a "Sandra's Tip" graphic where the
> "Cocktail Time!" one should be. What gives?!?! She tries to blame "You
> Sigh"
> (you remember her, the Avon lady who is now about twenty minutes late
> for her
> party) for those famous almond cookies by adding almond extract and
> crushed
> almonds to her ubiquitous roll of sugar cookie dough, topping each with
> an
> almond. She shows us a small red plate of the cookies and then puts them
> into a
> red oriental food take-out container and exits stage left to show us her
> tablescape.
>
> She enters stage left into what appears to be a bunch of models of red
> and
> black hot air balloons, telling us that red and black are the most
> dramatic
> colors to use when serving Chinese food from "take-out in or take-out
> MADE in"
> with this "ain't I clever expression". Whatever. I can't help but notice
> her
> table is littered with all sorts of half-full vodka and rum bottles with
> no
> food in sight. She blathers about the paper Japanese lanterns she got for
> dollars each that she spray-painted red and black, then tells us how
> excited
> she was to find the balloons and produces some Japanese fans she's going
> to
> give out as party favours. She then prattles on about how she covered a
> piece
> of plywood with cloth for a dramatic layered effect before briefly
> shilling
> some sort of "Oriental place setting kit" containing place mats, bowls,
> and red
> chopsticks. She plugs the Food Network site and gives her closing line
> with a
> drink in hand.
>


Gosh damn, this is the first time I have ever read a usenet post and wound
up hungry AND horny.

--
nobody doesn't like Sarah Lee....