SLop enters wearing a stereotypical tight red Chinese dress with chopsticks in
her hair carrying a red vase with some jasmine in it. Oh great, I can tell this
is going to be off to a great start. She tells us this is going to be a very
special day because her "friend", "You Sigh" is coming out with a new cosmetics
line, so she's going to have a girl's get-togther with terrific Chinese food.
Yeah, terrific is a very apt word for anything SLop cooks, but I wonder why
she's making such a fuss over her neighborhood Avon lady, and I wonder if she's
married to Long Duck Wong or Sum Yung Gui? She looks around and tells us "this
is what my house looks like right before a party" (too bad NO ONE EVER SHOWS UP
AT THEM), but it looks more like she just hosted a house full of drunken
debauchery and just rolled the last of her guests out the front door. SLop then
reminds us that the star is not just You Sigh, it's her menu. How magnanimous
of her. She gushes about her wonton soup, pork bowel buns (what?), "rich and
delicious" (when ISN'T it?) stir fried beef, and almond cookies. With a short
bow, she exits stage left off to the kitchen as the opening credits roll. My
gawd, I hope they don't see this show in China; this could mean war.

SLop enters the kitchen from stage left, which confuses the heck out of me for
a sec but then I realize she must have staggered around a bit before stumbling
across the kitchen and tells us this episode is all about GREAT Chinese cooking
(I doubt it). She puts some oil into a pan, which sizzles loudly. We're
starting with wonton soup first because it's her imaginary friend's favorite,
even more than sweet and sour, whatever that is. As she slices some chicken,
she repeats that she's excited about YS's new cosmetic line and how SLop made
herself all up for her and the other guests. Who the hell gets made up for an
Avon demonstration? I do wish SLop would watch what's she's doing as she speaks
so she doesn't lose a finger. She repeats about how she's going to make this
special, but for gawd's sake, it's only an Avon party. She puts the chicken
into a pot to cook which starts to sizzle very loudly. Trying to speak over the
sound of the cooking meat, she makes the filling for the wontons by taking some
pre-ground chicken (pork works too), adding a package of onion soup mix and two
huge tablespoons of sesame oil and oyster sauce, then starts trying to stir it
with the SAME SPOON and decides to get something more suitable -- a fork! Hmmm,
she has yet to wash her hands at this point. She adds some
strangely-brown-colored garlic from a jar to the filling and returns to a
silent pot of cooking chicken. She tells us she wants to finish the soup
because the girls are due to arrive any minute now (yeah, right) and adds four
cans of chicken stock she pilfered from Rachel Ray's pantry. Oddly enough,
however, two are red and two are black (I guess to match her red and black
oriental decor) and she only pours two of them into the pan and then the other
two mysteriously vanish from the counter. SLop confides that she likes to make
her soup at home because by the time she gets them home, the wontons are all
soggy! I don't sppse that's because that's how it's COOKED, is it? Moron. She
adds some low sodium soy sauce (how ironic) and a huge tablespoon of sesame
seed oil and that weird brown garlic. SLop tells us to get the wonton wrappers
in the refrigeration or Asian section at the grocery store and shows us a
little trick: use water to seal the edges of the wonton. She then folds the
edges over like a tortelini and puts it on a red plate. She announces that the
soup is boiling and tells us how complicated and intimidating Chinese food is
to make as she dumps them into the heavily boiling soup, where they almost
immediately disintegrate into little pieces. SLop then strains some pre-sliced
water chestnuts and "baboo shoots" into a strainer instead of decanting them
over the sink and adds them to the soup, followed by half a package of frozen
mixed vegetables. At this point, I have to add that she is using an already
half-used bag. Anyhow, she recommends mushrooms, carrots, and snap peas, but I
guess anything goes. Before we go to commercial, she tells us she's going to
make beef stir fry and pork "bowel buns" that are so simple you won't be afraid
of them. Believe me, that is NOT why I am afraid...

We return from commercial with SLop entering stage right holding a bamboo
steamer with a red pot holder. Dumb ass. She tells us that a bamboo steamer is
a kitchen essential for Chinese cooking and tells us she has a fantastic trick
for keeping food from sticking to it. Perhaps I am going out on a limb here,
but wouldn't a wok be essential for cooking Chinese food? Anyhow, she starts to
work on the bowel buns with a trick: use some BBQ pork from those strip mall
quickie fast food Chinese places! Oh gawd! She lifts up a bowl to the camera to
show us and the sound suddenly cuts out on her, followed by a quick jump to her
going to the fridge to get more as we fade to a glamour shot of the bowel
buns. I wonder what she was saying as she waved her hands around that bowl?
She starts the sauce by sauteing some scallions in oil. Whoah! She's stirring
the teflon pan with a WOODEN spoon! She adds a big heaping spoonful of that
nasty brown jar of garlic and white jar of ginger. If I didn't know better, I'd
say she got the two items mixed up. She adds some oyster sauce but all we see
is a glamour shot of a decorative jar of it, followed by what she described as
"Chinese BBQ sauce", or "Hoison". It also is available in the Asian section of
your grocery store, in case you wondered. She takes the take-out BBQ pork and
tries to chop it finer. This time she watches her fingers which are
precariously close the knife blade as she tells us how she met "You Sigh" at a
dinner party and they became fast friends because they both love Chinese food
and get together every Sunday night for Chinese food, which I find hard to
believe because I seem to recall her telling us she did something else on
Sunday nights but I don't particularly care enough to look. She dumps the BBQ
pork into the pan and stirs it until it becomes a reddish-brown tarry lump to
simmer some more. SLop then tells us about her trick for getting bowel buns out
of bread sticks which takes me somewhere very unpleasant. She tells us to
double up on the bread dough so you get double layers of bread stick dough,
whatever that means. She flattens it out and cuts it into strips, then rolls
one into a ball and uses Brycer's toy rolling pin to roll it out.
Unfortunately, she has trouble welding the toy rolling pin so she ends up
stretching it out by hand, at which point she decides the tar filling need to
be thickened with a mixture of corn starch and water. When she dumps it into
the pan, it just pools on top of the meat tar so she tries to mix it by
stirring it without much luck when we suddenly jump to a medium shot of her
with no signs of the slurry in the pan telling us it takes "literally" 15
seconds. I am pretty sure that's not enough to keep the mixture from tasting
like corn starch is in it. She then tells us to take a tablespoon but uses the
wooden stirring spoon instead, telling us to eyeball it, and puts it in the
center of the dough disk and pulls up edges like a hobo sack and twists it
closed. She puts it on a tray with some previously made ones and remarks that
they are starting to raise now. SLop finally reveals her steamer trick: line
the steamer with napa cabbage to keep it from sticking! That way, if you're
making dumplings or bowel buns they don't stick to the bowl. Hee! As she crams
them into the steamer, she tells us to keep them separate because they're going
to rise. To steam the bowl buns, SLop takes a wok with boiling water in it and
pops the steamer into the wok, then lids the steamer and tells us not to put
the lid onto the wok. Do woks even come with lids, not to mention glass ones?
She then tries her wonton soup. She takes the lid off the pot, revealing a
debris-filled heavily-boiling liquid, asking "doesn't this look like you're in
an authentic Chinese restaurant?" as she ladles the soup with beyond soggy
wonton pieces into a red Japanese soup bowl and proceeds to eat it with a
Japanese soup spoon. Before we head out to commercials, she threatens us with
beef stir fry, almond cookies, and a fantastic tablescape to party by. Yeehaw!

We return form commercial to a glamor shot of beef stir fry and SLop telling us
that beef stir fry is easy to make at home and essential for an Asian meal,
adding you can make it faster and still have a restaurant effect. She tells us
to cut up some sirloin into bite size pieces but doesn't make them nearly small
enough. She puts some oil into a wok and puts the meat into pan to cook. While
it sizzles loudly, she cuts some red pepper by slicing the off the sides and
slicing them into thin strips. It is hard to hear her speak over the sizzling
sounds of the unattended meat in the wok. She eventually gets back to stirring
the meat, which is clearly burnt as she tells us how quickly it cooks up. She
strains some water chestnuts and adds a package of stir fry seasoning to water.
She removes the burnt meat from the pan and adds a big heaping tablespoon of
that brown garlic and ginger, and damn, those spoons are HUGE! She then adds
some unspecified frozen vegetables, water chestnuts, and sliced mushrooms.
After a couple stirs, she adds the peppers and onions, at which point the
sizzling abruptly stops. She puts the meat back and adds some oyster sauce and
red pepper flakes. She stirs in water and seasoning packet to the barely
steaming wok and puts a pan of lumpy Minute Rice onto a plate "for service"
with the stir fry on top. "And now for the bowel...", she ominously tones. She
tells us how the bun's not sticking at all, then pulls off a piece of cabbage
leaf. She rips one, revealing a pasty brown wad with an immobile brown lump in
the center and proceeds to shovel it into her mouth as we go to commercial.

We return from commercial break with a "Sandra's Tip" graphic where the
"Cocktail Time!" one should be. What gives?!?! She tries to blame "You Sigh"
(you remember her, the Avon lady who is now about twenty minutes late for her
party) for those famous almond cookies by adding almond extract and crushed
almonds to her ubiquitous roll of sugar cookie dough, topping each with an
almond. She shows us a small red plate of the cookies and then puts them into a
red oriental food take-out container and exits stage left to show us her
tablescape.

She enters stage left into what appears to be a bunch of models of red and
black hot air balloons, telling us that red and black are the most dramatic
colors to use when serving Chinese food from "take-out in or take-out MADE in"
with this "ain't I clever expression". Whatever. I can't help but notice her
table is littered with all sorts of half-full vodka and rum bottles with no
food in sight. She blathers about the paper Japanese lanterns she got for
dollars each that she spray-painted red and black, then tells us how excited
she was to find the balloons and produces some Japanese fans she's going to
give out as party favours. She then prattles on about how she covered a piece
of plywood with cloth for a dramatic layered effect before briefly shilling
some sort of "Oriental place setting kit" containing place mats, bowls, and red
chopsticks. She plugs the Food Network site and gives her closing line with a
drink in hand.

--
WARNING!!!
Use of these recipes may be hazardous to your health, food budget, standing in
your community and liver function. Use at your own risk!! We assume no
liability from any illness or injury sustained while eating the "food" or
being exposed to crapass tablescapes. And no, we're not sure where she grew up
either. The Cordon Bleu disavows any knowlege of Miss Lee.

On Mon, 23 May 2011 20:32:46 -0400, Ubiquitous > wrote:

> SLop enters wearing a stereotypical tight red Chinese dress with
> chopsticks in
> her hair carrying a red vase with some jasmine in it. Oh great, I can
> tell this
> is going to be off to a great start. She tells us this is going to be a
> very
> special day because her "friend", "You Sigh" is coming out with a new
> cosmetics
> line, so she's going to have a girl's get-togther with terrific Chinese
> food.
> Yeah, terrific is a very apt word for anything SLop cooks, but I wonder
> why
> she's making such a fuss over her neighborhood Avon lady, and I wonder
> if she's
> married to Long Duck Wong or Sum Yung Gui? She looks around and tells us
> "this
> is what my house looks like right before a party" (too bad NO ONE EVER
> SHOWS UP
> AT THEM), but it looks more like she just hosted a house full of drunken
> debauchery and just rolled the last of her guests out the front door.
> SLop then
> reminds us that the star is not just You Sigh, it's her menu. How
> magnanimous
> of her. She gushes about her wonton soup, pork bowel buns (what?), "rich
> and
> delicious" (when ISN'T it?) stir fried beef, and almond cookies. With a
> short
> bow, she exits stage left off to the kitchen as the opening credits
> roll. My
> gawd, I hope they don't see this show in China; this could mean war.
>
> SLop enters the kitchen from stage left, which confuses the heck out of
> me for
> a sec but then I realize she must have staggered around a bit before
> stumbling
> across the kitchen and tells us this episode is all about GREAT Chinese
> cooking
> (I doubt it). She puts some oil into a pan, which sizzles loudly. We're
> starting with wonton soup first because it's her imaginary friend's
> favorite,
> even more than sweet and sour, whatever that is. As she slices some
> chicken,
> she repeats that she's excited about YS's new cosmetic line and how SLop
> made
> herself all up for her and the other guests. Who the hell gets made up
> for an
> Avon demonstration? I do wish SLop would watch what's she's doing as she
> speaks
> so she doesn't lose a finger. She repeats about how she's going to make
> this
> special, but for gawd's sake, it's only an Avon party. She puts the
> chicken
> into a pot to cook which starts to sizzle very loudly. Trying to speak
> over the
> sound of the cooking meat, she makes the filling for the wontons by
> taking some
> pre-ground chicken (pork works too), adding a package of onion soup mix
> and two
> huge tablespoons of sesame oil and oyster sauce, then starts trying to
> stir it
> with the SAME SPOON and decides to get something more suitable -- a
> fork! Hmmm,
> she has yet to wash her hands at this point. She adds some
> strangely-brown-colored garlic from a jar to the filling and returns to a
> silent pot of cooking chicken. She tells us she wants to finish the soup
> because the girls are due to arrive any minute now (yeah, right) and
> adds four
> cans of chicken stock she pilfered from Rachel Ray's pantry. Oddly
> enough,
> however, two are red and two are black (I guess to match her red and
> black
> oriental decor) and she only pours two of them into the pan and then the
> other
> two mysteriously vanish from the counter. SLop confides that she likes
> to make
> her soup at home because by the time she gets them home, the wontons are
> all
> soggy! I don't sppse that's because that's how it's COOKED, is it?
> Moron. She
> adds some low sodium soy sauce (how ironic) and a huge tablespoon of
> sesame
> seed oil and that weird brown garlic. SLop tells us to get the wonton
> wrappers
> in the refrigeration or Asian section at the grocery store and shows us a
> little trick: use water to seal the edges of the wonton. She then folds
> the
> edges over like a tortelini and puts it on a red plate. She announces
> that the
> soup is boiling and tells us how complicated and intimidating Chinese
> food is
> to make as she dumps them into the heavily boiling soup, where they
> almost
> immediately disintegrate into little pieces. SLop then strains some
> pre-sliced
> water chestnuts and "baboo shoots" into a strainer instead of decanting
> them
> over the sink and adds them to the soup, followed by half a package of
> frozen
> mixed vegetables. At this point, I have to add that she is using an
> already
> half-used bag. Anyhow, she recommends mushrooms, carrots, and snap peas,
> but I
> guess anything goes. Before we go to commercial, she tells us she's
> going to
> make beef stir fry and pork "bowel buns" that are so simple you won't be
> afraid
> of them. Believe me, that is NOT why I am afraid...
>
> We return from commercial with SLop entering stage right holding a bamboo
> steamer with a red pot holder. Dumb ass. She tells us that a bamboo
> steamer is
> a kitchen essential for Chinese cooking and tells us she has a fantastic
> trick
> for keeping food from sticking to it. Perhaps I am going out on a limb
> here,
> but wouldn't a wok be essential for cooking Chinese food? Anyhow, she
> starts to
> work on the bowel buns with a trick: use some BBQ pork from those strip
> mall
> quickie fast food Chinese places! Oh gawd! She lifts up a bowl to the
> camera to
> show us and the sound suddenly cuts out on her, followed by a quick jump
> to her
> going to the fridge to get more as we fade to a glamour shot of the
> bowel
> buns. I wonder what she was saying as she waved her hands around that
> bowl?
> She starts the sauce by sauteing some scallions in oil. Whoah! She's
> stirring
> the teflon pan with a WOODEN spoon! She adds a big heaping spoonful of
> that
> nasty brown jar of garlic and white jar of ginger. If I didn't know
> better, I'd
> say she got the two items mixed up. She adds some oyster sauce but all
> we see
> is a glamour shot of a decorative jar of it, followed by what she
> described as
> "Chinese BBQ sauce", or "Hoison". It also is available in the Asian
> section of
> your grocery store, in case you wondered. She takes the take-out BBQ
> pork and
> tries to chop it finer. This time she watches her fingers which are
> precariously close the knife blade as she tells us how she met "You
> Sigh" at a
> dinner party and they became fast friends because they both love Chinese
> food
> and get together every Sunday night for Chinese food, which I find hard
> to
> believe because I seem to recall her telling us she did something else on
> Sunday nights but I don't particularly care enough to look. She dumps
> the BBQ
> pork into the pan and stirs it until it becomes a reddish-brown tarry
> lump to
> simmer some more. SLop then tells us about her trick for getting bowel
> buns out
> of bread sticks which takes me somewhere very unpleasant. She tells us to
> double up on the bread dough so you get double layers of bread stick
> dough,
> whatever that means. She flattens it out and cuts it into strips, then
> rolls
> one into a ball and uses Brycer's toy rolling pin to roll it out.
> Unfortunately, she has trouble welding the toy rolling pin so she ends up
> stretching it out by hand, at which point she decides the tar filling
> need to
> be thickened with a mixture of corn starch and water. When she dumps it
> into
> the pan, it just pools on top of the meat tar so she tries to mix it by
> stirring it without much luck when we suddenly jump to a medium shot of
> her
> with no signs of the slurry in the pan telling us it takes "literally" 15
> seconds. I am pretty sure that's not enough to keep the mixture from
> tasting
> like corn starch is in it. She then tells us to take a tablespoon but
> uses the
> wooden stirring spoon instead, telling us to eyeball it, and puts it in
> the
> center of the dough disk and pulls up edges like a hobo sack and twists
> it
> closed. She puts it on a tray with some previously made ones and remarks
> that
> they are starting to raise now. SLop finally reveals her steamer trick:
> line
> the steamer with napa cabbage to keep it from sticking! That way, if
> you're
> making dumplings or bowel buns they don't stick to the bowl. Hee! As she
> crams
> them into the steamer, she tells us to keep them separate because
> they're going
> to rise. To steam the bowl buns, SLop takes a wok with boiling water in
> it and
> pops the steamer into the wok, then lids the steamer and tells us not to
> put
> the lid onto the wok. Do woks even come with lids, not to mention glass
> ones?
> She then tries her wonton soup. She takes the lid off the pot, revealing
> a
> debris-filled heavily-boiling liquid, asking "doesn't this look like
> you're in
> an authentic Chinese restaurant?" as she ladles the soup with beyond
> soggy
> wonton pieces into a red Japanese soup bowl and proceeds to eat it with a
> Japanese soup spoon. Before we head out to commercials, she threatens us
> with
> beef stir fry, almond cookies, and a fantastic tablescape to party by.
> Yeehaw!
>
> We return form commercial to a glamor shot of beef stir fry and SLop
> telling us
> that beef stir fry is easy to make at home and essential for an Asian
> meal,
> adding you can make it faster and still have a restaurant effect. She
> tells us
> to cut up some sirloin into bite size pieces but doesn't make them
> nearly small
> enough. She puts some oil into a wok and puts the meat into pan to cook.
> While
> it sizzles loudly, she cuts some red pepper by slicing the off the sides
> and
> slicing them into thin strips. It is hard to hear her speak over the
> sizzling
> sounds of the unattended meat in the wok. She eventually gets back to
> stirring
> the meat, which is clearly burnt as she tells us how quickly it cooks
> up. She
> strains some water chestnuts and adds a package of stir fry seasoning to
> water.
> She removes the burnt meat from the pan and adds a big heaping
> tablespoon of
> that brown garlic and ginger, and damn, those spoons are HUGE! She then
> adds
> some unspecified frozen vegetables, water chestnuts, and sliced
> mushrooms.
> After a couple stirs, she adds the peppers and onions, at which point the
> sizzling abruptly stops. She puts the meat back and adds some oyster
> sauce and
> red pepper flakes. She stirs in water and seasoning packet to the barely
> steaming wok and puts a pan of lumpy Minute Rice onto a plate "for
> service"
> with the stir fry on top. "And now for the bowel...", she ominously
> tones. She
> tells us how the bun's not sticking at all, then pulls off a piece of
> cabbage
> leaf. She rips one, revealing a pasty brown wad with an immobile brown
> lump in
> the center and proceeds to shovel it into her mouth as we go to
> commercial.
> We return from commercial break with a "Sandra's Tip" graphic where the
> "Cocktail Time!" one should be. What gives?!?! She tries to blame "You
> Sigh"
> (you remember her, the Avon lady who is now about twenty minutes late
> for her
> party) for those famous almond cookies by adding almond extract and
> crushed
> almonds to her ubiquitous roll of sugar cookie dough, topping each with
> an
> almond. She shows us a small red plate of the cookies and then puts them
> into a
> red oriental food take-out container and exits stage left to show us her
> tablescape.
>
> She enters stage left into what appears to be a bunch of models of red
> and
> black hot air balloons, telling us that red and black are the most
> dramatic
> colors to use when serving Chinese food from "take-out in or take-out
> MADE in"
> with this "ain't I clever expression". Whatever. I can't help but notice
> her
> table is littered with all sorts of half-full vodka and rum bottles with
> no
> food in sight. She blathers about the paper Japanese lanterns she got for
> dollars each that she spray-painted red and black, then tells us how
> excited
> she was to find the balloons and produces some Japanese fans she's going
> to
> give out as party favours. She then prattles on about how she covered a
> piece
> of plywood with cloth for a dramatic layered effect before briefly
> shilling
> some sort of "Oriental place setting kit" containing place mats, bowls,
> and red
> chopsticks. She plugs the Food Network site and gives her closing line
> with a
> drink in hand.
>


Gosh damn, this is the first time I have ever read a usenet post and wound
up hungry AND horny.

--
nobody doesn't like Sarah Lee....

this is just hidious,

instinctively i have always avoided posts about her, i was distracted with a
tornado alert and hit the enter key, what a mistake,

Lee

"Ubiquitous" > wrote in message
...
> SLop enters wearing a stereotypical tight red Chinese dress with
> chopsticks in
> her hair carrying a red vase with some jasmine in it. Oh great, I can tell
> this
> is going to be off to a great start. She tells us this is going to be a
> very
> special day because her "friend", "You Sigh" is coming out with a new
> cosmetics
> line, so she's going to have a girl's get-togther with terrific Chinese
> food.
> Yeah, terrific is a very apt word for anything SLop cooks, but I wonder
> why
> she's making such a fuss over her neighborhood Avon lady, and I wonder if
> she's
> married to Long Duck Wong or Sum Yung Gui? She looks around and tells us
> "this
> is what my house looks like right before a party" (too bad NO ONE EVER
> SHOWS UP
> AT THEM), but it looks more like she just hosted a house full of drunken
> debauchery and just rolled the last of her guests out the front door. SLop
> then
> reminds us that the star is not just You Sigh, it's her menu. How
> magnanimous
> of her. She gushes about her wonton soup, pork bowel buns (what?), "rich
> and
> delicious" (when ISN'T it?) stir fried beef, and almond cookies. With a
> short
> bow, she exits stage left off to the kitchen as the opening credits roll.
> My
> gawd, I hope they don't see this show in China; this could mean war.
>
> SLop enters the kitchen from stage left, which confuses the heck out of me
> for
> a sec but then I realize she must have staggered around a bit before
> stumbling
> across the kitchen and tells us this episode is all about GREAT Chinese
> cooking
> (I doubt it). She puts some oil into a pan, which sizzles loudly. We're
> starting with wonton soup first because it's her imaginary friend's
> favorite,
> even more than sweet and sour, whatever that is. As she slices some
> chicken,
> she repeats that she's excited about YS's new cosmetic line and how SLop
> made
> herself all up for her and the other guests. Who the hell gets made up for
> an
> Avon demonstration? I do wish SLop would watch what's she's doing as she
> speaks
> so she doesn't lose a finger. She repeats about how she's going to make
> this
> special, but for gawd's sake, it's only an Avon party. She puts the
> chicken
> into a pot to cook which starts to sizzle very loudly. Trying to speak
> over the
> sound of the cooking meat, she makes the filling for the wontons by taking
> some
> pre-ground chicken (pork works too), adding a package of onion soup mix
> and two
> huge tablespoons of sesame oil and oyster sauce, then starts trying to
> stir it
> with the SAME SPOON and decides to get something more suitable -- a fork!
> Hmmm,
> she has yet to wash her hands at this point. She adds some
> strangely-brown-colored garlic from a jar to the filling and returns to a
> silent pot of cooking chicken. She tells us she wants to finish the soup
> because the girls are due to arrive any minute now (yeah, right) and adds
> four
> cans of chicken stock she pilfered from Rachel Ray's pantry. Oddly enough,
> however, two are red and two are black (I guess to match her red and black
> oriental decor) and she only pours two of them into the pan and then the
> other
> two mysteriously vanish from the counter. SLop confides that she likes to
> make
> her soup at home because by the time she gets them home, the wontons are
> all
> soggy! I don't sppse that's because that's how it's COOKED, is it? Moron.
> She
> adds some low sodium soy sauce (how ironic) and a huge tablespoon of
> sesame
> seed oil and that weird brown garlic. SLop tells us to get the wonton
> wrappers
> in the refrigeration or Asian section at the grocery store and shows us a
> little trick: use water to seal the edges of the wonton. She then folds
> the
> edges over like a tortelini and puts it on a red plate. She announces that
> the
> soup is boiling and tells us how complicated and intimidating Chinese food
> is
> to make as she dumps them into the heavily boiling soup, where they almost
> immediately disintegrate into little pieces. SLop then strains some
> pre-sliced
> water chestnuts and "baboo shoots" into a strainer instead of decanting
> them
> over the sink and adds them to the soup, followed by half a package of
> frozen
> mixed vegetables. At this point, I have to add that she is using an
> already
> half-used bag. Anyhow, she recommends mushrooms, carrots, and snap peas,
> but I
> guess anything goes. Before we go to commercial, she tells us she's going
> to
> make beef stir fry and pork "bowel buns" that are so simple you won't be
> afraid
> of them. Believe me, that is NOT why I am afraid...
>
> We return from commercial with SLop entering stage right holding a bamboo
> steamer with a red pot holder. Dumb ass. She tells us that a bamboo
> steamer is
> a kitchen essential for Chinese cooking and tells us she has a fantastic
> trick
> for keeping food from sticking to it. Perhaps I am going out on a limb
> here,
> but wouldn't a wok be essential for cooking Chinese food? Anyhow, she
> starts to
> work on the bowel buns with a trick: use some BBQ pork from those strip
> mall
> quickie fast food Chinese places! Oh gawd! She lifts up a bowl to the
> camera to
> show us and the sound suddenly cuts out on her, followed by a quick jump
> to her
> going to the fridge to get more as we fade to a glamour shot of the bowel
> buns. I wonder what she was saying as she waved her hands around that
> bowl?
> She starts the sauce by sauteing some scallions in oil. Whoah! She's
> stirring
> the teflon pan with a WOODEN spoon! She adds a big heaping spoonful of
> that
> nasty brown jar of garlic and white jar of ginger. If I didn't know
> better, I'd
> say she got the two items mixed up. She adds some oyster sauce but all we
> see
> is a glamour shot of a decorative jar of it, followed by what she
> described as
> "Chinese BBQ sauce", or "Hoison". It also is available in the Asian
> section of
> your grocery store, in case you wondered. She takes the take-out BBQ pork
> and
> tries to chop it finer. This time she watches her fingers which are
> precariously close the knife blade as she tells us how she met "You Sigh"
> at a
> dinner party and they became fast friends because they both love Chinese
> food
> and get together every Sunday night for Chinese food, which I find hard to
> believe because I seem to recall her telling us she did something else on
> Sunday nights but I don't particularly care enough to look. She dumps the
> BBQ
> pork into the pan and stirs it until it becomes a reddish-brown tarry lump
> to
> simmer some more. SLop then tells us about her trick for getting bowel
> buns out
> of bread sticks which takes me somewhere very unpleasant. She tells us to
> double up on the bread dough so you get double layers of bread stick
> dough,
> whatever that means. She flattens it out and cuts it into strips, then
> rolls
> one into a ball and uses Brycer's toy rolling pin to roll it out.
> Unfortunately, she has trouble welding the toy rolling pin so she ends up
> stretching it out by hand, at which point she decides the tar filling need
> to
> be thickened with a mixture of corn starch and water. When she dumps it
> into
> the pan, it just pools on top of the meat tar so she tries to mix it by
> stirring it without much luck when we suddenly jump to a medium shot of
> her
> with no signs of the slurry in the pan telling us it takes "literally" 15
> seconds. I am pretty sure that's not enough to keep the mixture from
> tasting
> like corn starch is in it. She then tells us to take a tablespoon but uses
> the
> wooden stirring spoon instead, telling us to eyeball it, and puts it in
> the
> center of the dough disk and pulls up edges like a hobo sack and twists it
> closed. She puts it on a tray with some previously made ones and remarks
> that
> they are starting to raise now. SLop finally reveals her steamer trick:
> line
> the steamer with napa cabbage to keep it from sticking! That way, if
> you're
> making dumplings or bowel buns they don't stick to the bowl. Hee! As she
> crams
> them into the steamer, she tells us to keep them separate because they're
> going
> to rise. To steam the bowl buns, SLop takes a wok with boiling water in it
> and
> pops the steamer into the wok, then lids the steamer and tells us not to
> put
> the lid onto the wok. Do woks even come with lids, not to mention glass
> ones?
> She then tries her wonton soup. She takes the lid off the pot, revealing a
> debris-filled heavily-boiling liquid, asking "doesn't this look like
> you're in
> an authentic Chinese restaurant?" as she ladles the soup with beyond soggy
> wonton pieces into a red Japanese soup bowl and proceeds to eat it with a
> Japanese soup spoon. Before we head out to commercials, she threatens us
> with
> beef stir fry, almond cookies, and a fantastic tablescape to party by.
> Yeehaw!
>
> We return form commercial to a glamor shot of beef stir fry and SLop
> telling us
> that beef stir fry is easy to make at home and essential for an Asian
> meal,
> adding you can make it faster and still have a restaurant effect. She
> tells us
> to cut up some sirloin into bite size pieces but doesn't make them nearly
> small
> enough. She puts some oil into a wok and puts the meat into pan to cook.
> While
> it sizzles loudly, she cuts some red pepper by slicing the off the sides
> and
> slicing them into thin strips. It is hard to hear her speak over the
> sizzling
> sounds of the unattended meat in the wok. She eventually gets back to
> stirring
> the meat, which is clearly burnt as she tells us how quickly it cooks up.
> She
> strains some water chestnuts and adds a package of stir fry seasoning to
> water.
> She removes the burnt meat from the pan and adds a big heaping tablespoon
> of
> that brown garlic and ginger, and damn, those spoons are HUGE! She then
> adds
> some unspecified frozen vegetables, water chestnuts, and sliced mushrooms.
> After a couple stirs, she adds the peppers and onions, at which point the
> sizzling abruptly stops. She puts the meat back and adds some oyster sauce
> and
> red pepper flakes. She stirs in water and seasoning packet to the barely
> steaming wok and puts a pan of lumpy Minute Rice onto a plate "for
> service"
> with the stir fry on top. "And now for the bowel...", she ominously tones.
> She
> tells us how the bun's not sticking at all, then pulls off a piece of
> cabbage
> leaf. She rips one, revealing a pasty brown wad with an immobile brown
> lump in
> the center and proceeds to shovel it into her mouth as we go to
> commercial.
>
> We return from commercial break with a "Sandra's Tip" graphic where the
> "Cocktail Time!" one should be. What gives?!?! She tries to blame "You
> Sigh"
> (you remember her, the Avon lady who is now about twenty minutes late for
> her
> party) for those famous almond cookies by adding almond extract and
> crushed
> almonds to her ubiquitous roll of sugar cookie dough, topping each with an
> almond. She shows us a small red plate of the cookies and then puts them
> into a
> red oriental food take-out container and exits stage left to show us her
> tablescape.
>
> She enters stage left into what appears to be a bunch of models of red and
> black hot air balloons, telling us that red and black are the most
> dramatic
> colors to use when serving Chinese food from "take-out in or take-out MADE
> in"
> with this "ain't I clever expression". Whatever. I can't help but notice
> her
> table is littered with all sorts of half-full vodka and rum bottles with
> no
> food in sight. She blathers about the paper Japanese lanterns she got for
> dollars each that she spray-painted red and black, then tells us how
> excited
> she was to find the balloons and produces some Japanese fans she's going
> to
> give out as party favours. She then prattles on about how she covered a
> piece
> of plywood with cloth for a dramatic layered effect before briefly
> shilling
> some sort of "Oriental place setting kit" containing place mats, bowls,
> and red
> chopsticks. She plugs the Food Network site and gives her closing line
> with a
> drink in hand.
>
> --
> WARNING!!!
> Use of these recipes may be hazardous to your health, food budget,
> standing in
> your community and liver function. Use at your own risk!! We assume no
> liability from any illness or injury sustained while eating the "food" or
> being exposed to crapass tablescapes. And no, we're not sure where she
> grew up
> either. The Cordon Bleu disavows any knowlege of Miss Lee.
>
>
>
>
>

On May 23, 5:32*pm, (Ubiquitous) wrote:
> SLop enters wearing a stereotypical tight red Chinese dress with chopsticks in
> her hair carrying a red vase with some jasmine in it. Oh great, I can tell this
> is going to be off to a great start. She tells us this is going to be a very
> special day because her "friend", "You Sigh" is coming out with a new cosmetics
> line, so she's going to have a girl's get-togther with terrific Chinese food.
> Yeah, terrific is a very apt word for anything SLop cooks, but I wonder why
> she's making such a fuss over her neighborhood Avon lady, and I wonder if she's
> married to Long Duck Wong or Sum Yung Gui? She looks around and tells us "this
> is what my house looks like right before a party" (too bad NO ONE EVER SHOWS UP
> AT THEM), but it looks more like she just hosted a house full of drunken
> debauchery and just rolled the last of her guests out the front door. SLop then
> reminds us that the star is not just You Sigh, it's her menu. How magnanimous
> of her. She gushes about her wonton soup, pork bowel buns (what?), "rich and
> delicious" (when ISN'T it?) stir fried beef, and almond cookies. With a short
> bow, she exits stage left off to the kitchen as the opening credits roll. My
> gawd, I hope they don't see this show in China; this could mean war.
>
> SLop enters the kitchen from stage left, which confuses the heck out of me for
> a sec but then I realize she must have staggered around a bit before stumbling
> across the kitchen and tells us this episode is all about GREAT Chinese cooking
> *(I doubt it). She puts some oil into a pan, which sizzles loudly. We're
> starting with wonton soup first because it's her imaginary friend's favorite,
> even more than sweet and sour, whatever that is. As she slices some chicken,
> she repeats that she's excited about YS's new cosmetic line and how SLop made
> herself all up for her and the other guests. Who the hell gets made up for an
> Avon demonstration? I do wish SLop would watch what's she's doing as she speaks
> so she doesn't lose a finger. She repeats about how she's going to make this
> special, but for gawd's sake, it's only an Avon party. She puts the chicken
> into a pot to cook which starts to sizzle very loudly. Trying to speak over the
> sound of the cooking meat, she makes the filling for the wontons by taking some
> pre-ground chicken (pork works too), adding a package of onion soup mix and two
> huge tablespoons of sesame oil and oyster sauce, then starts trying to stir it
> with the SAME SPOON and decides to get something more suitable -- a fork! Hmmm,
> she has yet to wash her hands at this point. She adds some
> strangely-brown-colored garlic from a jar to the filling and returns to a
> silent pot of cooking chicken. She tells us she wants to finish the soup
> because the girls are due to arrive any minute now (yeah, right) and adds four
> cans of chicken stock she pilfered from Rachel Ray's pantry. Oddly enough,
> however, two are red and two are black (I guess to match her red and black
> oriental decor) and she only pours two of them into the pan and then the other
> two mysteriously vanish from the counter. SLop confides that she likes to make
> her soup at home because by the time she gets them home, the wontons are all
> soggy! I don't sppse that's because that's how it's COOKED, is it? Moron. She
> adds some low sodium soy sauce (how ironic) and a huge tablespoon of sesame
> seed oil and that weird brown garlic. SLop tells us to get the wonton wrappers
> in the refrigeration or Asian section at the grocery store and shows us a
> little trick: use water to seal the edges of the wonton. She then folds the
> edges over like a tortelini and puts it on a red plate. She announces that the
> soup is boiling and tells us how complicated and intimidating Chinese food is
> to make as she dumps them into the heavily boiling soup, where they almost
> immediately disintegrate into little pieces. SLop then strains some pre-sliced
> water chestnuts and "baboo shoots" into a strainer instead of decanting them
> over the sink and adds them to the soup, followed by half a package of frozen
> mixed vegetables. At this point, I have to add that she is using an already
> half-used bag. Anyhow, she recommends mushrooms, carrots, and snap peas, but I
> guess anything goes. Before we go to commercial, she tells us she's going to
> make beef stir fry and pork "bowel buns" that are so simple you won't be afraid
> of them. Believe me, that is NOT why I am afraid...
>
> We return from commercial with SLop entering stage right holding a bamboo
> steamer with a red pot holder. Dumb ass. She tells us that a bamboo steamer is
> a kitchen essential for Chinese cooking and tells us she has a fantastic trick
> for keeping food from sticking to it. Perhaps I am going out on a limb here,
> but wouldn't a wok be essential for cooking Chinese food? Anyhow, she starts to
> work on the bowel buns with a trick: use some BBQ pork from those strip mall
> quickie fast food Chinese places! Oh gawd! She lifts up a bowl to the camera to
> show us and the sound suddenly cuts out on her, followed by a quick jump to her
> *going to the fridge to get more as we fade to a glamour shot of the bowel
> buns. *I wonder what she was saying as she waved her hands around that bowl?
> She starts the sauce by sauteing some scallions in oil. Whoah! She's stirring
> the teflon pan with a WOODEN spoon! She adds a big heaping spoonful of that
> nasty brown jar of garlic and white jar of ginger. If I didn't know better, I'd
> say she got the two items mixed up. She adds some oyster sauce but all we see
> is a glamour shot of a decorative jar of it, followed by what she described as
> "Chinese BBQ sauce", or "Hoison". It also is available in the Asian section of
> your grocery store, in case you wondered. She takes the take-out BBQ pork and
> tries to chop it finer. This time she watches her fingers which are
> precariously close the knife blade as she tells us how she met "You Sigh" at a
> dinner party and they became fast friends because they both love Chinese food
> and get together every Sunday night for Chinese food, which I find hard to
> believe because I seem to recall her telling us she did something else on
> Sunday nights but I don't particularly care enough to look. She dumps the BBQ
> pork into the pan and stirs it until it becomes a reddish-brown tarry lump to
> simmer some more. SLop then tells us about her trick for getting bowel buns out
> of bread sticks which takes me somewhere very unpleasant. She tells us to
> double up on the bread dough so you get double layers of bread stick dough,
> whatever that means. She flattens it out and cuts it into strips, then rolls
> one into a ball and uses Brycer's toy rolling pin to roll it out.
> Unfortunately, she has trouble welding the toy rolling pin so she ends up
> stretching it out by hand, at which point she decides the tar filling need to
> be thickened with a mixture of corn starch and water. When she dumps it into
> the pan, it just pools on top of the meat tar so she tries to mix it by
> stirring it without much luck when we suddenly jump to a medium shot of her
> with no signs of the slurry in the pan telling us it takes "literally" 15
> seconds. I am pretty sure that's not enough to keep the mixture from tasting
> like corn starch is in it. She then tells us to take a tablespoon but uses the
> wooden stirring spoon instead, telling us to eyeball it, and puts it in the
> center of the dough disk and pulls up edges like a hobo sack and twists it
> closed. She puts it on a tray with some previously made ones and remarks that
> they are starting to raise now. SLop finally reveals her steamer trick: line
> the steamer with napa cabbage to keep it from sticking! That way, if you're
> making dumplings or bowel buns they don't stick to the bowl. Hee! As she crams
> them into the steamer, she tells us to keep them separate because they're going
> to rise. To steam the bowl buns, SLop takes a wok with boiling water in it and
> pops the steamer into the wok, then lids the steamer and tells us not to put
> the lid onto the wok. Do woks even come with lids, not to mention glass ones?
> She then tries her wonton soup. She takes the lid off the pot, revealing a
> debris-filled heavily-boiling liquid, asking "doesn't this look like you're in
> an authentic Chinese restaurant?" as she ladles the soup with beyond soggy
> wonton pieces into a red Japanese soup bowl and proceeds to eat it with a
> Japanese soup spoon. Before we head out to commercials, she threatens us with
> beef stir fry, almond cookies, and a fantastic tablescape to party by. Yeehaw!
>
> We return form commercial to a glamor shot of beef stir fry and SLop telling us
> that beef stir fry is easy to make at home and essential for an Asian meal,
> adding you can make it faster and still have a restaurant effect. She tells us
> to cut up some sirloin into bite size pieces but doesn't make them nearly small
> enough. She puts some oil into a wok and puts the meat into pan to cook. While
> it sizzles loudly, she cuts some red pepper by slicing the off the sides and
> slicing them into thin strips. It is hard to hear her speak over the sizzling
> sounds of the unattended meat in the wok. She eventually gets back to stirring
> the meat, which is clearly burnt as she tells us how quickly it cooks up. She
> strains some water chestnuts and adds a package of stir fry seasoning to water.
> She removes the burnt meat from the pan and adds a big heaping tablespoon of
> that brown garlic and ginger, and damn, those spoons are HUGE! She then adds
> some unspecified frozen vegetables, water chestnuts, and sliced mushrooms..
> After a couple stirs, she adds the peppers and onions, at which point the
> sizzling abruptly stops. She puts the meat back and adds some oyster sauce and
> red pepper flakes. She stirs in water and seasoning packet to the barely
> steaming wok and puts a pan of lumpy Minute Rice onto a plate "for service"
> with the stir fry on top. "And now for the bowel...", she ominously tones.. She
> tells us how the bun's not ...
>
> read more »

My sides hurt.............stop it !!!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOL

On Wed, 25 May 2011 15:18:39 -0500, "Storrmmee"
> wrote:

> this is just hidious,
>
> instinctively i have always avoided posts about her, i was distracted with a
> tornado alert and hit the enter key, what a mistake,

She watches every show and takes in minute details for someone who
claims not to like Sandra Lee.

--

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

On May 25, 4:21*pm, ImStillMags > wrote:

> My sides hurt.............stop it !!!!! * *LOLOLOLOLOLOL

These Sandra Lee reviews are reminiscent of Tom Shales savage reviews
of the Kathie Lee Gifford Christmas Specials from the 90's. My
favorite part was using the pork from the strip mall Chinese
restaurant in her meal.

On May 23, 8:32*pm, (Ubiquitous) wrote:

[Too much]

Whenever I see a Usenet post even half this long I ignore it.

Jerry
--
Engineering is the art of making what you want from things you can get.

Jerry Avins wrote:
> On May 23, 8:32 pm, (Ubiquitous) wrote:
>
> [Too much]
>
> Whenever I see a Usenet post even half this long I ignore it.
>
> Jerry
Ubi's observations regarding S. Lee crack me up!

I also tend to ignore long winded posts, or those with totally
unnecessary untrimmed previous quotes or posts that make me work too
hard to figure out the bottom line. But when I see a Sandra Lee thread,
I know Ubi's missives will be worth the time reading, IMO.

On May 25, 7:49*pm, sf > wrote:
> On Wed, 25 May 2011 15:18:39 -0500, "Storrmmee"
>
> > wrote:
> > this is just hidious,
>
> > instinctively i have always avoided posts about her, i was distracted with a
> > tornado alert and hit the enter key, what a mistake,
>
> She watches every show and takes in minute details for someone who
> claims not to like Sandra Lee.

Oh for crying out loud does no one have a sense of humor?

Goomba wrote:

> Ubi's observations regarding S. Lee crack me up!
>
> I also tend to ignore long winded posts, or those with totally
> unnecessary untrimmed previous quotes or posts that make me work too
> hard to figure out the bottom line. But when I see a Sandra Lee
> thread, I know Ubi's missives will be worth the time reading, IMO.

I try to find the episode so I can line up the comments to the video.
Comical.

nancy

In article > ,
"Nancy Young" > wrote:

> Goomba wrote:
>
> > Ubi's observations regarding S. Lee crack me up!
> >
> > I also tend to ignore long winded posts, or those with totally
> > unnecessary untrimmed previous quotes or posts that make me work too
> > hard to figure out the bottom line. But when I see a Sandra Lee
> > thread, I know Ubi's missives will be worth the time reading, IMO.
>
> I try to find the episode so I can line up the comments to the video.
> Comical.
>
> nancy

I managed to record a different Chinese food episode yesterday. When
did she drop the 'Lee' and start saying "Hi, I'm Sandra"?? For some
reason it just sounds creepy.

She explained how EVERY GROCERY STORE THERE IS has a Deli secion, and
EVERY DELI SECTION IN EVERY GROCERY STORE THERE IS has a hot section,
and THE HOT SECTION EVERY DELI SECTION IN EVERY GROCERY STORE THERE IS
IS CALLED THE HOT BAR and THE HOT BAR IN EVERY DELI SECTION IN EVERY
GROCERY STORE THERE IS HAS HOT PULLED PORK. Well, okay; not one I'VE
ever been in, but whatever.

She finished with the most hideous tablescape ever (and that's saying
some for her) with everything in one solid color of lime green. It
looked for all the world like she'd just grabbed a bunch of
miscellaneous junk and spray painted the entire table. As usual there
was no place to put the food, but for once the tablescape was even more
vomitous than the menu.

--
"Please, I can't die, I've never kissed an Asian woman!"
Shego on "Shat My Dad Says"

> I also tend to ignore long winded posts, or those with totally
> unnecessary untrimmed previous quotes or posts that make me work too
> hard to figure out the bottom line. But when I see a Sandra Lee thread,
> I know Ubi's missives will be worth the time reading, IMO.

It's like a fine wine. I think if Ubi had the stomach to sit thru
each of her shows, and write a detailed summary of each episode, there
is a best selling book in there someplace.

Top posting because I'm not going to cut this gem...

This is just great! Probably the best laugh I have gotten on rfc
since Buffy Lyer days.

Thanks for posting this... and... More! More!

Jean B.

Ubiquitous wrote:
> SLop enters wearing a stereotypical tight red Chinese dress with chopsticks in
> her hair carrying a red vase with some jasmine in it. Oh great, I can tell this
> is going to be off to a great start. She tells us this is going to be a very
> special day because her "friend", "You Sigh" is coming out with a new cosmetics
> line, so she's going to have a girl's get-togther with terrific Chinese food.
> Yeah, terrific is a very apt word for anything SLop cooks, but I wonder why
> she's making such a fuss over her neighborhood Avon lady, and I wonder if she's
> married to Long Duck Wong or Sum Yung Gui? She looks around and tells us "this
> is what my house looks like right before a party" (too bad NO ONE EVER SHOWS UP
> AT THEM), but it looks more like she just hosted a house full of drunken
> debauchery and just rolled the last of her guests out the front door. SLop then
> reminds us that the star is not just You Sigh, it's her menu. How magnanimous
> of her. She gushes about her wonton soup, pork bowel buns (what?), "rich and
> delicious" (when ISN'T it?) stir fried beef, and almond cookies. With a short
> bow, she exits stage left off to the kitchen as the opening credits roll. My
> gawd, I hope they don't see this show in China; this could mean war.
>
> SLop enters the kitchen from stage left, which confuses the heck out of me for
> a sec but then I realize she must have staggered around a bit before stumbling
> across the kitchen and tells us this episode is all about GREAT Chinese cooking
> (I doubt it). She puts some oil into a pan, which sizzles loudly. We're
> starting with wonton soup first because it's her imaginary friend's favorite,
> even more than sweet and sour, whatever that is. As she slices some chicken,
> she repeats that she's excited about YS's new cosmetic line and how SLop made
> herself all up for her and the other guests. Who the hell gets made up for an
> Avon demonstration? I do wish SLop would watch what's she's doing as she speaks
> so she doesn't lose a finger. She repeats about how she's going to make this
> special, but for gawd's sake, it's only an Avon party. She puts the chicken
> into a pot to cook which starts to sizzle very loudly. Trying to speak over the
> sound of the cooking meat, she makes the filling for the wontons by taking some
> pre-ground chicken (pork works too), adding a package of onion soup mix and two
> huge tablespoons of sesame oil and oyster sauce, then starts trying to stir it
> with the SAME SPOON and decides to get something more suitable -- a fork! Hmmm,
> she has yet to wash her hands at this point. She adds some
> strangely-brown-colored garlic from a jar to the filling and returns to a
> silent pot of cooking chicken. She tells us she wants to finish the soup
> because the girls are due to arrive any minute now (yeah, right) and adds four
> cans of chicken stock she pilfered from Rachel Ray's pantry. Oddly enough,
> however, two are red and two are black (I guess to match her red and black
> oriental decor) and she only pours two of them into the pan and then the other
> two mysteriously vanish from the counter. SLop confides that she likes to make
> her soup at home because by the time she gets them home, the wontons are all
> soggy! I don't sppse that's because that's how it's COOKED, is it? Moron. She
> adds some low sodium soy sauce (how ironic) and a huge tablespoon of sesame
> seed oil and that weird brown garlic. SLop tells us to get the wonton wrappers
> in the refrigeration or Asian section at the grocery store and shows us a
> little trick: use water to seal the edges of the wonton. She then folds the
> edges over like a tortelini and puts it on a red plate. She announces that the
> soup is boiling and tells us how complicated and intimidating Chinese food is
> to make as she dumps them into the heavily boiling soup, where they almost
> immediately disintegrate into little pieces. SLop then strains some pre-sliced
> water chestnuts and "baboo shoots" into a strainer instead of decanting them
> over the sink and adds them to the soup, followed by half a package of frozen
> mixed vegetables. At this point, I have to add that she is using an already
> half-used bag. Anyhow, she recommends mushrooms, carrots, and snap peas, but I
> guess anything goes. Before we go to commercial, she tells us she's going to
> make beef stir fry and pork "bowel buns" that are so simple you won't be afraid
> of them. Believe me, that is NOT why I am afraid...
>
> We return from commercial with SLop entering stage right holding a bamboo
> steamer with a red pot holder. Dumb ass. She tells us that a bamboo steamer is
> a kitchen essential for Chinese cooking and tells us she has a fantastic trick
> for keeping food from sticking to it. Perhaps I am going out on a limb here,
> but wouldn't a wok be essential for cooking Chinese food? Anyhow, she starts to
> work on the bowel buns with a trick: use some BBQ pork from those strip mall
> quickie fast food Chinese places! Oh gawd! She lifts up a bowl to the camera to
> show us and the sound suddenly cuts out on her, followed by a quick jump to her
> going to the fridge to get more as we fade to a glamour shot of the bowel
> buns. I wonder what she was saying as she waved her hands around that bowl?
> She starts the sauce by sauteing some scallions in oil. Whoah! She's stirring
> the teflon pan with a WOODEN spoon! She adds a big heaping spoonful of that
> nasty brown jar of garlic and white jar of ginger. If I didn't know better, I'd
> say she got the two items mixed up. She adds some oyster sauce but all we see
> is a glamour shot of a decorative jar of it, followed by what she described as
> "Chinese BBQ sauce", or "Hoison". It also is available in the Asian section of
> your grocery store, in case you wondered. She takes the take-out BBQ pork and
> tries to chop it finer. This time she watches her fingers which are
> precariously close the knife blade as she tells us how she met "You Sigh" at a
> dinner party and they became fast friends because they both love Chinese food
> and get together every Sunday night for Chinese food, which I find hard to
> believe because I seem to recall her telling us she did something else on
> Sunday nights but I don't particularly care enough to look. She dumps the BBQ
> pork into the pan and stirs it until it becomes a reddish-brown tarry lump to
> simmer some more. SLop then tells us about her trick for getting bowel buns out
> of bread sticks which takes me somewhere very unpleasant. She tells us to
> double up on the bread dough so you get double layers of bread stick dough,
> whatever that means. She flattens it out and cuts it into strips, then rolls
> one into a ball and uses Brycer's toy rolling pin to roll it out.
> Unfortunately, she has trouble welding the toy rolling pin so she ends up
> stretching it out by hand, at which point she decides the tar filling need to
> be thickened with a mixture of corn starch and water. When she dumps it into
> the pan, it just pools on top of the meat tar so she tries to mix it by
> stirring it without much luck when we suddenly jump to a medium shot of her
> with no signs of the slurry in the pan telling us it takes "literally" 15
> seconds. I am pretty sure that's not enough to keep the mixture from tasting
> like corn starch is in it. She then tells us to take a tablespoon but uses the
> wooden stirring spoon instead, telling us to eyeball it, and puts it in the
> center of the dough disk and pulls up edges like a hobo sack and twists it
> closed. She puts it on a tray with some previously made ones and remarks that
> they are starting to raise now. SLop finally reveals her steamer trick: line
> the steamer with napa cabbage to keep it from sticking! That way, if you're
> making dumplings or bowel buns they don't stick to the bowl. Hee! As she crams
> them into the steamer, she tells us to keep them separate because they're going
> to rise. To steam the bowl buns, SLop takes a wok with boiling water in it and
> pops the steamer into the wok, then lids the steamer and tells us not to put
> the lid onto the wok. Do woks even come with lids, not to mention glass ones?
> She then tries her wonton soup. She takes the lid off the pot, revealing a
> debris-filled heavily-boiling liquid, asking "doesn't this look like you're in
> an authentic Chinese restaurant?" as she ladles the soup with beyond soggy
> wonton pieces into a red Japanese soup bowl and proceeds to eat it with a
> Japanese soup spoon. Before we head out to commercials, she threatens us with
> beef stir fry, almond cookies, and a fantastic tablescape to party by. Yeehaw!
>
> We return form commercial to a glamor shot of beef stir fry and SLop telling us
> that beef stir fry is easy to make at home and essential for an Asian meal,
> adding you can make it faster and still have a restaurant effect. She tells us
> to cut up some sirloin into bite size pieces but doesn't make them nearly small
> enough. She puts some oil into a wok and puts the meat into pan to cook. While
> it sizzles loudly, she cuts some red pepper by slicing the off the sides and
> slicing them into thin strips. It is hard to hear her speak over the sizzling
> sounds of the unattended meat in the wok. She eventually gets back to stirring
> the meat, which is clearly burnt as she tells us how quickly it cooks up. She
> strains some water chestnuts and adds a package of stir fry seasoning to water.
> She removes the burnt meat from the pan and adds a big heaping tablespoon of
> that brown garlic and ginger, and damn, those spoons are HUGE! She then adds
> some unspecified frozen vegetables, water chestnuts, and sliced mushrooms.
> After a couple stirs, she adds the peppers and onions, at which point the
> sizzling abruptly stops. She puts the meat back and adds some oyster sauce and
> red pepper flakes. She stirs in water and seasoning packet to the barely
> steaming wok and puts a pan of lumpy Minute Rice onto a plate "for service"
> with the stir fry on top. "And now for the bowel...", she ominously tones. She
> tells us how the bun's not sticking at all, then pulls off a piece of cabbage
> leaf. She rips one, revealing a pasty brown wad with an immobile brown lump in
> the center and proceeds to shovel it into her mouth as we go to commercial.
>
> We return from commercial break with a "Sandra's Tip" graphic where the
> "Cocktail Time!" one should be. What gives?!?! She tries to blame "You Sigh"
> (you remember her, the Avon lady who is now about twenty minutes late for her
> party) for those famous almond cookies by adding almond extract and crushed
> almonds to her ubiquitous roll of sugar cookie dough, topping each with an
> almond. She shows us a small red plate of the cookies and then puts them into a
> red oriental food take-out container and exits stage left to show us her
> tablescape.
>
> She enters stage left into what appears to be a bunch of models of red and
> black hot air balloons, telling us that red and black are the most dramatic
> colors to use when serving Chinese food from "take-out in or take-out MADE in"
> with this "ain't I clever expression". Whatever. I can't help but notice her
> table is littered with all sorts of half-full vodka and rum bottles with no
> food in sight. She blathers about the paper Japanese lanterns she got for
> dollars each that she spray-painted red and black, then tells us how excited
> she was to find the balloons and produces some Japanese fans she's going to
> give out as party favours. She then prattles on about how she covered a piece
> of plywood with cloth for a dramatic layered effect before briefly shilling
> some sort of "Oriental place setting kit" containing place mats, bowls, and red
> chopsticks. She plugs the Food Network site and gives her closing line with a
> drink in hand.

Goomba wrote:
> Ubi's observations regarding S. Lee crack me up!
>
> I also tend to ignore long winded posts, or those with totally
> unnecessary untrimmed previous quotes or posts that make me work too
> hard to figure out the bottom line. But when I see a Sandra Lee thread,
> I know Ubi's missives will be worth the time reading, IMO.

OMG! You mean I can do a search and find more of these gems>
--
Jean B.

On Sat, 28 May 2011 11:08:13 -0400, "Jean B." > wrote:

> Goomba wrote:
> > Ubi's observations regarding S. Lee crack me up!
> >
> > I also tend to ignore long winded posts, or those with totally
> > unnecessary untrimmed previous quotes or posts that make me work too
> > hard to figure out the bottom line. But when I see a Sandra Lee thread,
> > I know Ubi's missives will be worth the time reading, IMO.
>
> OMG! You mean I can do a search and find more of these gems>

Yes. Thank god she's easy to filter out.

--

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

On May 28, 11:05*am, "Jean B." > wrote:
> Top posting because I'm not going to cut this gem...
>
> This is just great! *Probably the best laugh I have gotten on rfc
> since Buffy Lyer days.
>
> Thanks for posting this... *and... *More! *More!
>
> Jean B.

I think my personal favorite review was for the holiday episode when
Sandra Lee made the Kwanzaa cake. I'm sure you could google the
review; here is Sandra Lee making the Kwanzaa cake:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=we2iWTJqo98

Michael O'Connor wrote:
> On May 28, 11:05 am, "Jean B." > wrote:
>> Top posting because I'm not going to cut this gem...
>>
>> This is just great! Probably the best laugh I have gotten on rfc
>> since Buffy Lyer days.
>>
>> Thanks for posting this... and... More! More!
>>
>> Jean B.
>
> I think my personal favorite review was for the holiday episode when
> Sandra Lee made the Kwanzaa cake. I'm sure you could google the
> review; here is Sandra Lee making the Kwanzaa cake:
>
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=we2iWTJqo98

Oh, I'll get that up on my screen right now. Thanks. I never
knew what I was missing by skipping the Sandra Lee threads.

--
Jean B.

On May 23, 5:32*pm, (Ubiquitous) wrote:

While the show sounds pretty much like an abomination, not everything
is wrong:

> We return from commercial with SLop entering stage right holding a bamboo
> steamer with a red pot holder. Dumb ass. She tells us that a bamboo steamer is
> a kitchen essential for Chinese cooking and tells us she has a fantastic trick
> for keeping food from sticking to it. Perhaps I am going out on a limb here,
> but wouldn't a wok be essential for cooking Chinese food?

A wok is essential for stir-frying while a steamer is essential for
steaming.

>Anyhow, she starts to
> work on the bowel buns with a trick: use some BBQ pork from those strip mall
> quickie fast food Chinese places! Oh gawd! She lifts up a bowl to the camera to
> show us and the sound suddenly cuts out on her, followed by a quick jump to her
> *going to the fridge to get more as we fade to a glamour shot of the bowel
> buns. *I wonder what she was saying as she waved her hands around that bowl?
> She starts the sauce by sauteing some scallions in oil. Whoah! She's stirring
> the teflon pan with a WOODEN spoon! She adds a big heaping spoonful of that
> nasty brown jar of garlic and white jar of ginger. If I didn't know better, I'd
> say she got the two items mixed up. She adds some oyster sauce but all we see
> is a glamour shot of a decorative jar of it, followed by what she described as
> "Chinese BBQ sauce", or "Hoison". It also is available in the Asian section of
> your grocery store, in case you wondered. She takes the take-out BBQ pork and
> tries to chop it finer.

The biggest problem: Chinese cooking mandates thorough preparation
before you start cooking. None of this "saute the scallions, then chop
the BBQ pork."

This time she watches her fingers which are
> precariously close the knife blade as she tells us how she met "You Sigh" at a
> dinner party and they became fast friends because they both love Chinese food
> and get together every Sunday night for Chinese food, which I find hard to
> believe because I seem to recall her telling us she did something else on
> Sunday nights but I don't particularly care enough to look. She dumps the BBQ
> pork into the pan and stirs it until it becomes a reddish-brown tarry lump to
> simmer some more. SLop then tells us about her trick for getting bowel buns out
> of bread sticks which takes me somewhere very unpleasant. She tells us to
> double up on the bread dough so you get double layers of bread stick dough,
> whatever that means. She flattens it out and cuts it into strips, then rolls
> one into a ball and uses Brycer's toy rolling pin to roll it out.
> Unfortunately, she has trouble welding the toy rolling pin so she ends up
> stretching it out by hand, at which point she decides the tar filling need to
> be thickened with a mixture of corn starch and water.

Yeah, you get this ready ahead of time,too.

> When she dumps it into
> the pan, it just pools on top of the meat tar so she tries to mix it by
> stirring it without much luck when we suddenly jump to a medium shot of her
> with no signs of the slurry in the pan telling us it takes "literally" 15
> seconds. I am pretty sure that's not enough to keep the mixture from tasting
> like corn starch is in it.

The following is more or less correct:

> She then tells us to take a tablespoon but uses the
> wooden stirring spoon instead, telling us to eyeball it, and puts it in the
> center of the dough disk and pulls up edges like a hobo sack and twists it
> closed. She puts it on a tray with some previously made ones and remarks that
> they are starting to raise now. SLop finally reveals her steamer trick: line
> the steamer with napa cabbage to keep it from sticking! That way, if you're
> making dumplings or bowel buns they don't stick to the bowl. Hee! As she crams
> them into the steamer, she tells us to keep them separate because they're going
> to rise. To steam the bowl buns, SLop takes a wok with boiling water in it and
> pops the steamer into the wok, then lids the steamer and tells us not to put
> the lid onto the wok. Do woks even come with lids, not to mention glass ones?

Yes. Mine is an aluminum spinning with a wooden peg handle.

> We return form commercial to a glamor shot of beef stir fry and SLop telling us
> that beef stir fry is easy to make at home and essential for an Asian meal,
> adding you can make it faster and still have a restaurant effect. She tells us
> to cut up some sirloin into bite size pieces but doesn't make them nearly small
> enough. She puts some oil into a wok and puts the meat into pan to cook. While
> it sizzles loudly, she cuts some red pepper by slicing the off the sides and
> slicing them into thin strips. It is hard to hear her speak over the sizzling
> sounds of the unattended meat in the wok. She eventually gets back to stirring
> the meat, which is clearly burnt as she tells us how quickly it cooks up. She
> strains some water chestnuts and adds a package of stir fry seasoning to water.

Wrong, wrong, wrong, as the OP made clear. Slice the meat and marinate
it while you're cutting up the vegetables. Cook the vegetables first,
then the meat.

> She removes the burnt meat from the pan and ada big heaping tablespoon of
> that brown garlic and ginger, and damn, those spoons are HUGE! She then adds
> some unspecified frozen vegetables, water chestnuts, and sliced mushrooms..
> After a couple stirs, she adds the peppers and onions, at which point the
> sizzling abruptly stops. She puts the meat back and adds some oyster sauce and
> red pepper flakes. She stirs in water and seasoning packet to the barely
> steaming wok

Worst-sounding excuse for chinese food since my mother made chop suey
from the recipe that came with the pressure cooker.

SLop enters wearing a stereotypical tight red Chinese dress with chopsticks in
her hair carrying a red vase with some jasmine in it. Oh great, I can tell this
is going to be off to a great start. She tells us this is going to be a very
special day because her "friend", "You Sigh" is coming out with a new cosmetics
line, so she's going to have a girl's get-togther with terrific Chinese food.
Yeah, terrific is a very apt word for anything SLop cooks, but I wonder why
she's making such a fuss over her neighborhood Avon lady, and I wonder if she's
married to Long Duck Wong or Sum Yung Gui? She looks around and tells us "this
is what my house looks like right before a party" (too bad NO ONE EVER SHOWS UP
AT THEM), but it looks more like she just hosted a house full of drunken
debauchery and just rolled the last of her guests out the front door. SLop then
reminds us that the star is not just You Sigh, it's her menu. How magnanimous
of her. She gushes about her wonton soup, pork bowel buns (what?), "rich and
delicious" (when ISN'T it?) stir fried beef, and almond cookies. With a short
bow, she exits stage left off to the kitchen as the opening credits roll. My
gawd, I hope they don't see this show in China; this could mean war.

SLop enters the kitchen from stage left, which confuses the heck out of me for
a sec but then I realize she must have staggered around a bit before stumbling
across the kitchen and tells us this episode is all about GREAT Chinese cooking
(I doubt it). She puts some oil into a pan, which sizzles loudly. We're
starting with wonton soup first because it's her imaginary friend's favorite,
even more than sweet and sour, whatever that is. As she slices some chicken,
she repeats that she's excited about YS's new cosmetic line and how SLop made
herself all up for her and the other guests. Who the hell gets made up for an
Avon demonstration? I do wish SLop would watch what's she's doing as she speaks
so she doesn't lose a finger. She repeats about how she's going to make this
special, but for gawd's sake, it's only an Avon party. She puts the chicken
into a pot to cook which starts to sizzle very loudly. Trying to speak over the
sound of the cooking meat, she makes the filling for the wontons by taking some
pre-ground chicken (pork works too), adding a package of onion soup mix and two
huge tablespoons of sesame oil and oyster sauce, then starts trying to stir it
with the SAME SPOON and decides to get something more suitable -- a fork! Hmmm,
she has yet to wash her hands at this point. She adds some
strangely-brown-colored garlic from a jar to the filling and returns to a
silent pot of cooking chicken. She tells us she wants to finish the soup
because the girls are due to arrive any minute now (yeah, right) and adds four
cans of chicken stock she pilfered from Rachel Ray's pantry. Oddly enough,
however, two are red and two are black (I guess to match her red and black
oriental decor) and she only pours two of them into the pan and then the other
two mysteriously vanish from the counter. SLop confides that she likes to make
her soup at home because by the time she gets them home, the wontons are all
soggy! I don't sppse that's because that's how it's COOKED, is it? Moron. She
adds some low sodium soy sauce (how ironic) and a huge tablespoon of sesame
seed oil and that weird brown garlic. SLop tells us to get the wonton wrappers
in the refrigeration or Asian section at the grocery store and shows us a
little trick: use water to seal the edges of the wonton. She then folds the
edges over like a tortelini and puts it on a red plate. She announces that the
soup is boiling and tells us how complicated and intimidating Chinese food is
to make as she dumps them into the heavily boiling soup, where they almost
immediately disintegrate into little pieces. SLop then strains some pre-sliced
water chestnuts and "baboo shoots" into a strainer instead of decanting them
over the sink and adds them to the soup, followed by half a package of frozen
mixed vegetables. At this point, I have to add that she is using an already
half-used bag. Anyhow, she recommends mushrooms, carrots, and snap peas, but I
guess anything goes. Before we go to commercial, she tells us she's going to
make beef stir fry and pork "bowel buns" that are so simple you won't be afraid
of them. Believe me, that is NOT why I am afraid...

We return from commercial with SLop entering stage right holding a bamboo
steamer with a red pot holder. Dumb ass. She tells us that a bamboo steamer is
a kitchen essential for Chinese cooking and tells us she has a fantastic trick
for keeping food from sticking to it. Perhaps I am going out on a limb here,
but wouldn't a wok be essential for cooking Chinese food? Anyhow, she starts to
work on the bowel buns with a trick: use some BBQ pork from those strip mall
quickie fast food Chinese places! Oh gawd! She lifts up a bowl to the camera to
show us and the sound suddenly cuts out on her, followed by a quick jump to her
going to the fridge to get more as we fade to a glamour shot of the bowel
buns. I wonder what she was saying as she waved her hands around that bowl?
She starts the sauce by sauteing some scallions in oil. Whoah! She's stirring
the teflon pan with a WOODEN spoon! She adds a big heaping spoonful of that
nasty brown jar of garlic and white jar of ginger. If I didn't know better, I'd
say she got the two items mixed up. She adds some oyster sauce but all we see
is a glamour shot of a decorative jar of it, followed by what she described as
"Chinese BBQ sauce", or "Hoison". It also is available in the Asian section of
your grocery store, in case you wondered. She takes the take-out BBQ pork and
tries to chop it finer. This time she watches her fingers which are
precariously close the knife blade as she tells us how she met "You Sigh" at a
dinner party and they became fast friends because they both love Chinese food
and get together every Sunday night for Chinese food, which I find hard to
believe because I seem to recall her telling us she did something else on
Sunday nights but I don't particularly care enough to look. She dumps the BBQ
pork into the pan and stirs it until it becomes a reddish-brown tarry lump to
simmer some more. SLop then tells us about her trick for getting bowel buns out
of bread sticks which takes me somewhere very unpleasant. She tells us to
double up on the bread dough so you get double layers of bread stick dough,
whatever that means. She flattens it out and cuts it into strips, then rolls
one into a ball and uses Brycer's toy rolling pin to roll it out.
Unfortunately, she has trouble welding the toy rolling pin so she ends up
stretching it out by hand, at which point she decides the tar filling need to
be thickened with a mixture of corn starch and water. When she dumps it into
the pan, it just pools on top of the meat tar so she tries to mix it by
stirring it without much luck when we suddenly jump to a medium shot of her
with no signs of the slurry in the pan telling us it takes "literally" 15
seconds. I am pretty sure that's not enough to keep the mixture from tasting
like corn starch is in it. She then tells us to take a tablespoon but uses the
wooden stirring spoon instead, telling us to eyeball it, and puts it in the
center of the dough disk and pulls up edges like a hobo sack and twists it
closed. She puts it on a tray with some previously made ones and remarks that
they are starting to raise now. SLop finally reveals her steamer trick: line
the steamer with napa cabbage to keep it from sticking! That way, if you're
making dumplings or bowel buns they don't stick to the bowl. Hee! As she crams
them into the steamer, she tells us to keep them separate because they're going
to rise. To steam the bowl buns, SLop takes a wok with boiling water in it and
pops the steamer into the wok, then lids the steamer and tells us not to put
the lid onto the wok. Do woks even come with lids, not to mention glass ones?
She then tries her wonton soup. She takes the lid off the pot, revealing a
debris-filled heavily-boiling liquid, asking "doesn't this look like you're in
an authentic Chinese restaurant?" as she ladles the soup with beyond soggy
wonton pieces into a red Japanese soup bowl and proceeds to eat it with a
Japanese soup spoon. Before we head out to commercials, she threatens us with
beef stir fry, almond cookies, and a fantastic tablescape to party by. Yeehaw!

We return form commercial to a glamor shot of beef stir fry and SLop telling us
that beef stir fry is easy to make at home and essential for an Asian meal,
adding you can make it faster and still have a restaurant effect. She tells us
to cut up some sirloin into bite size pieces but doesn't make them nearly small
enough. She puts some oil into a wok and puts the meat into pan to cook. While
it sizzles loudly, she cuts some red pepper by slicing the off the sides and
slicing them into thin strips. It is hard to hear her speak over the sizzling
sounds of the unattended meat in the wok. She eventually gets back to stirring
the meat, which is clearly burnt as she tells us how quickly it cooks up. She
strains some water chestnuts and adds a package of stir fry seasoning to water.
She removes the burnt meat from the pan and adds a big heaping tablespoon of
that brown garlic and ginger, and damn, those spoons are HUGE! She then adds
some unspecified frozen vegetables, water chestnuts, and sliced mushrooms.
After a couple stirs, she adds the peppers and onions, at which point the
sizzling abruptly stops. She puts the meat back and adds some oyster sauce and
red pepper flakes. She stirs in water and seasoning packet to the barely
steaming wok and puts a pan of lumpy Minute Rice onto a plate "for service"
with the stir fry on top. "And now for the bowel...", she ominously tones. She
tells us how the bun's not sticking at all, then pulls off a piece of cabbage
leaf. She rips one, revealing a pasty brown wad with an immobile brown lump in
the center and proceeds to shovel it into her mouth as we go to commercial.

We return from commercial break with a "Sandra's Tip" graphic where the
"Cocktail Time!" one should be. What gives?!?! She tries to blame "You Sigh"
(you remember her, the Avon lady who is now about twenty minutes late for her
party) for those famous almond cookies by adding almond extract and crushed
almonds to her ubiquitous roll of sugar cookie dough, topping each with an
almond. She shows us a small red plate of the cookies and then puts them into a
red oriental food take-out container and exits stage left to show us her
tablescape.

She enters stage left into what appears to be a bunch of models of red and
black hot air balloons, telling us that red and black are the most dramatic
colors to use when serving Chinese food from "take-out in or take-out MADE in"
with this "ain't I clever expression". Whatever. I can't help but notice her
table is littered with all sorts of half-full vodka and rum bottles with no
food in sight. She blathers about the paper Japanese lanterns she got for
dollars each that she spray-painted red and black, then tells us how excited
she was to find the balloons and produces some Japanese fans she's going to
give out as party favours. She then prattles on about how she covered a piece
of plywood with cloth for a dramatic layered effect before briefly shilling
some sort of "Oriental place setting kit" containing place mats, bowls, and red
chopsticks. She plugs the Food Network site and gives her closing line with a
drink in hand.

--
WARNING!!!
Use of these recipes may be hazardous to your health, food budget, standing in
your community and liver function. Use at your own risk!! We assume no
liability from any illness or injury sustained while eating the "food" or
being exposed to crapass tablescapes. And no, we're not sure where she grew up
either. The Cordon Bleu disavows any knowlege of Miss Lee.

"Ubiquitous" > wrote in message
...
> SLop enters wearing a stereotypical tight red Chinese dress with
> chopsticks in
> her hair carrying a red vase with some jasmine in it. Oh great, I can tell
> this
> is going to be off to a great start.


And yet you not only watched it through to the end, but you typed up all the
gory details. I bet you had to watch it through several times to get all
the detail down for us.

Gee, thanks - NOT!

In article >,
"Pico Rico" > wrote:

> "Ubiquitous" > wrote in message
> ...
> > SLop enters wearing a stereotypical tight red Chinese dress with
> > chopsticks in
> > her hair carrying a red vase with some jasmine in it. Oh great, I can tell
> > this
> > is going to be off to a great start.
>
>
> And yet you not only watched it through to the end, but you typed up all the
> gory details. I bet you had to watch it through several times to get all
> the detail down for us.
>
> Gee, thanks - NOT!

And yet you insist on inflicting your unwelcome opinion on your betters.
How about you either shut up or go away - preferably both?

--
Wait - are you saying that ClodReamer was wrong, or lying?

>Do woks even come with lids, not to mention glass ones?

Generally, I find the lids sold separately. I have 3 woks and 2 lids.
Some "modern" woks come with glass lids, e.g. like the ones from
LeCreuset. The "modern" woks are flat-bottomed and work on most stoves
without a wok ring. Does that help?

Oh, one of my woks is dedicated to smoking food in the kitchen. Wood
chips in the bottom, a round pie cooking rack to hold the food,
covered with a lid. Smoke for 20 minutes on low heat and bingo, smoked
salmon steak, or what have you. Don't wash the lid... it has all that
neat BBQ smell about it.

As for keeping things from sticking in a bamboo steamer, you can cut
some parchment paper and use it as a liner, after poking a bunch of
holes in the paper. Also, chard leaves placed in the bottoms of the
steamer trays prevent sticking quite nicely. I think cabbage leaves
would work also, but I've not tried that.

Ubiquitous > wrote:
> SLop enters wearing a stereotypical tight red Chinese dress with chopsticks in
> her hair carrying a red vase with some jasmine in it. Oh great, I can tell this
> is going to be off to a great start. She tells us this is going to be a very
> special day because her "friend", "You Sigh" is coming out with a new cosmetics
> line, so she's going to have a girl's get-togther with terrific Chinese food.
> Yeah, terrific is a very apt word for anything SLop cooks, but I wonder why
> she's making such a fuss over her neighborhood Avon lady, and I wonder if she's
> married to Long Duck Wong or Sum Yung Gui? She looks around and tells us "this
> is what my house looks like right before a party" (too bad NO ONE EVER SHOWS UP
> AT THEM), but it looks more like she just hosted a house full of drunken
> debauchery and just rolled the last of her guests out the front door. SLop then
> reminds us that the star is not just You Sigh, it's her menu. How magnanimous
> of her. She gushes about her wonton soup, pork bowel buns (what?), "rich and
> delicious" (when ISN'T it?) stir fried beef, and almond cookies. With a short
> bow, she exits stage left off to the kitchen as the opening credits roll. My
> gawd, I hope they don't see this show in China; this could mean war.
>
> SLop enters the kitchen from stage left, which confuses the heck out of me for
> a sec but then I realize she must have staggered around a bit before stumbling
> across the kitchen and tells us this episode is all about GREAT Chinese cooking
> (I doubt it). She puts some oil into a pan, which sizzles loudly. We're
> starting with wonton soup first because it's her imaginary friend's favorite,
> even more than sweet and sour, whatever that is. As she slices some chicken,
> she repeats that she's excited about YS's new cosmetic line and how SLop made
> herself all up for her and the other guests. Who the hell gets made up for an
> Avon demonstration? I do wish SLop would watch what's she's doing as she speaks
> so she doesn't lose a finger. She repeats about how she's going to make this
> special, but for gawd's sake, it's only an Avon party. She puts the chicken
> into a pot to cook which starts to sizzle very loudly. Trying to speak over the
> sound of the cooking meat, she makes the filling for the wontons by taking some
> pre-ground chicken (pork works too), adding a package of onion soup mix and two
> huge tablespoons of sesame oil and oyster sauce, then starts trying to stir it
> with the SAME SPOON and decides to get something more suitable -- a fork! Hmmm,
> she has yet to wash her hands at this point. She adds some
> strangely-brown-colored garlic from a jar to the filling and returns to a
> silent pot of cooking chicken. She tells us she wants to finish the soup
> because the girls are due to arrive any minute now (yeah, right) and adds four
> cans of chicken stock she pilfered from Rachel Ray's pantry. Oddly enough,
> however, two are red and two are black (I guess to match her red and black
> oriental decor) and she only pours two of them into the pan and then the other
> two mysteriously vanish from the counter. SLop confides that she likes to make
> her soup at home because by the time she gets them home, the wontons are all
> soggy! I don't sppse that's because that's how it's COOKED, is it? Moron. She
> adds some low sodium soy sauce (how ironic) and a huge tablespoon of sesame
> seed oil and that weird brown garlic. SLop tells us to get the wonton wrappers
> in the refrigeration or Asian section at the grocery store and shows us a
> little trick: use water to seal the edges of the wonton. She then folds the
> edges over like a tortelini and puts it on a red plate. She announces that the
> soup is boiling and tells us how complicated and intimidating Chinese food is
> to make as she dumps them into the heavily boiling soup, where they almost
> immediately disintegrate into little pieces. SLop then strains some pre-sliced
> water chestnuts and "baboo shoots" into a strainer instead of decanting them
> over the sink and adds them to the soup, followed by half a package of frozen
> mixed vegetables. At this point, I have to add that she is using an already
> half-used bag. Anyhow, she recommends mushrooms, carrots, and snap peas, but I
> guess anything goes. Before we go to commercial, she tells us she's going to
> make beef stir fry and pork "bowel buns" that are so simple you won't be afraid
> of them. Believe me, that is NOT why I am afraid...
>
> We return from commercial with SLop entering stage right holding a bamboo
> steamer with a red pot holder. Dumb ass. She tells us that a bamboo steamer is
> a kitchen essential for Chinese cooking and tells us she has a fantastic trick
> for keeping food from sticking to it. Perhaps I am going out on a limb here,
> but wouldn't a wok be essential for cooking Chinese food? Anyhow, she starts to
> work on the bowel buns with a trick: use some BBQ pork from those strip mall
> quickie fast food Chinese places! Oh gawd! She lifts up a bowl to the camera to
> show us and the sound suddenly cuts out on her, followed by a quick jump to her
> going to the fridge to get more as we fade to a glamour shot of the bowel
> buns. I wonder what she was saying as she waved her hands around that bowl?
> She starts the sauce by sauteing some scallions in oil. Whoah! She's stirring
> the teflon pan with a WOODEN spoon! She adds a big heaping spoonful of that
> nasty brown jar of garlic and white jar of ginger. If I didn't know better, I'd
> say she got the two items mixed up. She adds some oyster sauce but all we see
> is a glamour shot of a decorative jar of it, followed by what she described as
> "Chinese BBQ sauce", or "Hoison". It also is available in the Asian section of
> your grocery store, in case you wondered. She takes the take-out BBQ pork and
> tries to chop it finer. This time she watches her fingers which are
> precariously close the knife blade as she tells us how she met "You Sigh" at a
> dinner party and they became fast friends because they both love Chinese food
> and get together every Sunday night for Chinese food, which I find hard to
> believe because I seem to recall her telling us she did something else on
> Sunday nights but I don't particularly care enough to look. She dumps the BBQ
> pork into the pan and stirs it until it becomes a reddish-brown tarry lump to
> simmer some more. SLop then tells us about her trick for getting bowel buns out
> of bread sticks which takes me somewhere very unpleasant. She tells us to
> double up on the bread dough so you get double layers of bread stick dough,
> whatever that means. She flattens it out and cuts it into strips, then rolls
> one into a ball and uses Brycer's toy rolling pin to roll it out.
> Unfortunately, she has trouble welding the toy rolling pin so she ends up
> stretching it out by hand, at which point she decides the tar filling need to
> be thickened with a mixture of corn starch and water. When she dumps it into
> the pan, it just pools on top of the meat tar so she tries to mix it by
> stirring it without much luck when we suddenly jump to a medium shot of her
> with no signs of the slurry in the pan telling us it takes "literally" 15
> seconds. I am pretty sure that's not enough to keep the mixture from tasting
> like corn starch is in it. She then tells us to take a tablespoon but uses the
> wooden stirring spoon instead, telling us to eyeball it, and puts it in the
> center of the dough disk and pulls up edges like a hobo sack and twists it
> closed. She puts it on a tray with some previously made ones and remarks that
> they are starting to raise now. SLop finally reveals her steamer trick: line
> the steamer with napa cabbage to keep it from sticking! That way, if you're
> making dumplings or bowel buns they don't stick to the bowl. Hee! As she crams
> them into the steamer, she tells us to keep them separate because they're going
> to rise. To steam the bowl buns, SLop takes a wok with boiling water in it and
> pops the steamer into the wok, then lids the steamer and tells us not to put
> the lid onto the wok. Do woks even come with lids, not to mention glass ones?
> She then tries her wonton soup. She takes the lid off the pot, revealing a
> debris-filled heavily-boiling liquid, asking "doesn't this look like you're in
> an authentic Chinese restaurant?" as she ladles the soup with beyond soggy
> wonton pieces into a red Japanese soup bowl and proceeds to eat it with a
> Japanese soup spoon. Before we head out to commercials, she threatens us with
> beef stir fry, almond cookies, and a fantastic tablescape to party by. Yeehaw!
>
> We return form commercial to a glamor shot of beef stir fry and SLop telling us
> that beef stir fry is easy to make at home and essential for an Asian meal,
> adding you can make it faster and still have a restaurant effect. She tells us
> to cut up some sirloin into bite size pieces but doesn't make them nearly small
> enough. She puts some oil into a wok and puts the meat into pan to cook. While
> it sizzles loudly, she cuts some red pepper by slicing the off the sides and
> slicing them into thin strips. It is hard to hear her speak over the sizzling
> sounds of the unattended meat in the wok. She eventually gets back to stirring
> the meat, which is clearly burnt as she tells us how quickly it cooks up. She
> strains some water chestnuts and adds a package of stir fry seasoning to water.
> She removes the burnt meat from the pan and adds a big heaping tablespoon of
> that brown garlic and ginger, and damn, those spoons are HUGE! She then adds
> some unspecified frozen vegetables, water chestnuts, and sliced mushrooms.
> After a couple stirs, she adds the peppers and onions, at which point the
> sizzling abruptly stops. She puts the meat back and adds some oyster sauce and
> red pepper flakes. She stirs in water and seasoning packet to the barely
> steaming wok and puts a pan of lumpy Minute Rice onto a plate "for service"
> with the stir fry on top. "And now for the bowel...", she ominously tones. She
> tells us how the bun's not sticking at all, then pulls off a piece of cabbage
> leaf. She rips one, revealing a pasty brown wad with an immobile brown lump in
> the center and proceeds to shovel it into her mouth as we go to commercial.
>
> We return from commercial break with a "Sandra's Tip" graphic where the
> "Cocktail Time!" one should be. What gives?!?! She tries to blame "You Sigh"
> (you remember her, the Avon lady who is now about twenty minutes late for her
> party) for those famous almond cookies by adding almond extract and crushed
> almonds to her ubiquitous roll of sugar cookie dough, topping each with an
> almond. She shows us a small red plate of the cookies and then puts them into a
> red oriental food take-out container and exits stage left to show us her
> tablescape.
>
> She enters stage left into what appears to be a bunch of models of red and
> black hot air balloons, telling us that red and black are the most dramatic
> colors to use when serving Chinese food from "take-out in or take-out MADE in"
> with this "ain't I clever expression". Whatever. I can't help but notice her
> table is littered with all sorts of half-full vodka and rum bottles with no
> food in sight. She blathers about the paper Japanese lanterns she got for
> dollars each that she spray-painted red and black, then tells us how excited
> she was to find the balloons and produces some Japanese fans she's going to
> give out as party favours. She then prattles on about how she covered a piece
> of plywood with cloth for a dramatic layered effect before briefly shilling
> some sort of "Oriental place setting kit" containing place mats, bowls, and red
> chopsticks. She plugs the Food Network site and gives her closing line with a
> drink in hand.

I don't have cable but I have seen this show on YouTube. Sandra Lee is
probably my most hated food murderess, other than NAACP Image Award nominee
Paula Deen.