Dear Family & Friends,
I know that you were eager to accept our family's invitation to
Thanksgiving dinner when you found out that the famous Martha
Stewart would be joining us. However, due to scheduling conflicts
beyond her control, Ms. Stewart finds that she is unable to grace
our table this year. With that in mind, there will be a few minor
changes regarding the meal and decor, as outlined below. Please be
aware of them, and adjust your appetite and dress appropriately.

Thank you


1)Our driveway will not be lined with homemade, paper bag
luminaries. After several trial runs and two visits from the fire
department, it was decided that, no matter how cleverly done, rows
of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.

2)Once inside, please note that the entry space will not be
decorated with swags of Indian corn and fall foliage. Instead, we
included our dog in decorating by having him track in colorful
autumn leaves from the back yard. The mud was his idea.

3)The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy
china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that
match and everyone will get a fork. Since this is Thanksgiving, we
will refrain from using the paper SpongeBob dinner plates, the
leftover Halloween napkins, and our plastic cup collection.

4)Our centerpiece will not be a tower of fresh fruit and flowers.
Instead we will be proudly displaying a hedgehog-like decoration
hand-crafted from the finest construction paper and pine cones. The
artist assures me it is a turkey, albeit one without wings, legs,
or a beak.

5)We will be dining somewhat later than planned. However, our
daughter will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure she will be
happy to share every choice comment her mother made regarding
Thanksgiving, pilgrims, stuffing choices, the turkey hotline, and,
especially, her father. Please remember that most of these comments
were made at 7:00AM upon discovering that said father had only
remembered to pull the turkey from the freezer at 6:00 AM, and that
the thing was still hard enough to cut diamonds.

6)As an accompaniment to our daughter's recital of these events, I
will play a recording of Native American tribal drumming.
Curiously, the tribal drumming sounds a great deal like a frozen
turkey in a clothes dryer, but that only enhances the holiday
appropriateness. If our daughter should mention that we don't own a
recording of Native American tribal drumming, ignore her. She's
only nine; what does she know?

7)A dainty silver bell will not be rung to announce the start of
our feast. We have chosen to keep our traditional method of
assembling when the smoke alarm goes off.

8)There will be no formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm
sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In
the spirit of harmony, we will ask all the children to sit at a
separate table. In a separate room. Next door. And I would like to
take this opportunity to remind our younger diners that "passing
the rolls" is neither a football play nor an excuse to bean your
cousin in the head with bread.

9)The turkey will not be carved at the table. I know you have seen
the Norman Rockwell image of one person carving a turkey in front
of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. Such a scene may occur
somewhere in America , but it won't be happening at our dinner
table. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in the kitchen
at a private ceremony. I stress "private", meaning Do not, under
any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send
small, unsuspecting children, or older, helpful grandparents into
the kitchen to check on my progress. I have a very large, very
sharp knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will
eventually win the battle. When I do, we will eat.

10)Instead of offering a choice among 12 different scrumptious
desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished
with whipped cream and dog tongue marks. You still have a choice:
take it or leave it.

That concludes our list of alterations. Again, I apologize that
Martha will not be joining us this year.

Bob-tx