I remember something from a cousin's wedding 30 years ago. I was seated
at a large round table with elderly relatives. I must have been around
20. I was there with great-aunts. The photographer came around to get
the photo of the table. He interupted and started directing half the
table to stand behind the half that would remain seated so he could get
the table shot. He told me to remain seated and an 80 year old lady to
stand behind me. I knew that was wrong and got up. He began motioning
for me to stay seated, and I didn't know how to tell him that his
directions were wrong, that you didn't have teenagers in chairs and old
folks standing behind them, even if those old folks can walk.


My
great-aunt must not have known how to tell him directly either, because
she started telling me, loud enough for the photographer to hear, that I
had bad manners and should know to give seats to the elderly. It was
easier for her to talk to family than to the "help." I didn't do
anything wrong! I've remembered that ever since, sometimes wondered if
I should have said something to the photographer, but I didn't know how
to talk to the help either.


Recently at a pre-wedding dinner party in a private room of a restaurant
in Stamford, I was seated at a table with my boyfriend, brother, and
parents. I'm 50. My parents are in their mid-80s. When the entrees
started coming from the kitchen, several waiters were delivering them
all at once. One waiter had one in his hand when he got to our table,
so he put it down in front of me, then returned to the kitchen for more.
I was embarrassed. Didn't he know to serve my mother first? It sat
there in front of me while he went for more.


I wouldn't have said anything, but when the head waiter came over to ask
if everything was alright and did we need anything, I told him to please
make sure in the future to serve my parents first. He nodded his
agreement, said that he'd speak to the waiters, and assured me that he'd
make sure the the food came out faster. I told him that speed didn't
matter as much to me, that the important thing was that they not serve
the younger people at the table before the elders.


When the dessert came, they did exactly the same thing, served me, then
went for more. I don't think the waiter ever understood the point, and
it's baffling to me. I can think of places where there's disagreement
about whether ladies go first, but I can't think of a culture on earth
where it's good manners to make the elderly wait for last. (And lest
any of you wise-asses start making comments about my ancient looks, I'm
normally middle aged looking.)


I was going to say something about the food at the event, but all I
remember from it is the bad manners of the service staff, that and these
fantastic amaretto cookies served with coffee and how we started talking
about recreating the flavor and texture and stuffing croissants with them.


--Lia