Little (well maybe not quite so little) Red Riding Hood
(Politically corrected version)

There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on
the edge of a large forest full of Endangered Owls and Rare Plants that
would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time
to study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a Nurture-Giver whom she sometimes referred
to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she
would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not
in fact exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of
non-traditional households, although she was sorry if this was the
impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit
and mineral water to her grandmother's house.
"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who
have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between
various people in the woods?"

Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss
and gotten a special Compassionate-Mission Exemption-Form.

"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"
Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for womyn to
oppress each other, since all womyn were equally oppressed until all
womyn were free.

"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since
he's an Oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"

And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a
special rally for Animal Rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical
womyn's work, but an Empowering Deed that would help engender a feeling
of Community.

"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence
unable to independently further her own Selfhood?"

But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grand mother wasn't
actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way,
although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were
inferior to what some people called "healthy".

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of
delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous
place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based
on Cultural Paradigms instilled by a Patriarchal Society that regarded
the Natural World as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that
natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.

Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red
Riding Hood felt that in A Truly Classless Society all marginalized
peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as
valid lifestyle Role-Models.

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and
wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers. She was
startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was
in her basket.

Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but
she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and
chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a
gesture of Solidarity."

The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to
walk through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your Sexist Remark offensive in the
extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an
outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an
alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me,
I would prefer to be on my way."

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her
Grandmother's house. But because his status outside society had freed him
from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew
of a quicker route to Grandma's house.

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of Action Affirmative
of his nature as a predator. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist
Gender-Role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the
bedsheets, and awaited developments.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought
you some Cruelty-Free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and
nurturing Matriarch."

The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"You forget that I am optically challenged."

"And Grandma, what an enorm.., what a fine nose you have."

"Naturally, I could have had it 'fixed' to help my acting career, but I
didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."

"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"

The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a
reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, leaped out of bed,
grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she
could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You
must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"

The Wolf was so startled by this inane statement that he loosened his
grasp on her. At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage,
brandishing an ax.

"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

"And just what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood.
"If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in
my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower
achievement scores on college entrance exams."

"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This
is an NOW sting!" screamed the wood-chopper, and when Little Red Riding
Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, she sliced off her head...!

"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her
grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."

~ The End ~
--
Peace!
Om

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a Son of a bitch"
-- Jack Nicholson