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jake[_2_]

On Feb 3, 9:27*pm, NoBody > wrote:
> So, I just need to tell the world because I am so happy that I have
> finally accomplished something that has been 3 months in the making.
> I farted on every single one of my 37 employees.
> The initial fart began on January 21st, 2008 while I was expediting at
> my somewhat famous restaurant in the meatpacking district.
> Lets just say, I am a chef, I dont know if I would call myself world
> famous, but I am definitely known in and around NYC.
> I have had several specials on foodnetwork.
> You probably know me if you like food and eating in manhattan.
>
> That said, lets get back to the first fart, the maiden fart, the perfect
> fart.
>
> It was hot as hell in the kitchen that night, sometimes I like to turn
> off the air conditioning to give my staff a bit of a stir, it makes
> their blood flow, their tempers flash, but for some reason, their
> discomfort turns out better quality food.
>
> So with all the air off, there is no air flow in our downstairs kitchen,
> and its small and cramped and really really ****ing hot, even in
> january.
>
> We have our plates in the warmer under our pass, so i was helping my hot
> apps guy plate a new fungi misti when it happened.
>
> He had the pan in his right hand, and we both reached to bend over to
> get the hot plate, i got there first, so he inhaled the entire hot air
> load that i let roar out of my pants.
>
> It was bold, loud, and completely unapologetic.
>
> I was louder though, laughing so ****ing hard at his coughing and
> gagging that i almost lost the granddaddy, the origin of the fart, the
> poop.
>
> This actually did happen on fart employee #19, but we will get back to
> that.
>
> So with this began my mission.
>
> I had to fart on everyone that works for me, and write it all in a log
> book so that I can keep track.
>
> Some people I couldn't just directly fart on, like my accountant, shes a
> sweet girl, and I think she might feel that I have accosted her or
> something, department of labor could be called, etc.., so much care has
> to be taken with these types of cases.
>
> 1. The only rules I had were this: I had to fart on everyone, I mean
> including my bread guy, my pasta guy, all our dishwashers, my sous chef,
> etc...
>
> 2. They had to either hear, smell or be somehow aware that I have farted
> on them. This is where it gets tricky.
>
> 3. I have to do it in order of name, alphabetically, and I cant skip
> people and come back.
>
> 4. At least 80% had to make a comment or some type of revolting behavior
> afterward, and if they didnt, I had to do them again and again, the same
> person, until they finally surrendered to the demon that is my fart.
>
> This was easy with the line cooks and basic kitchen staff, as they are
> used to this kind of shit, the front of the house however, are like a
> bunch of ****ing statues scared to move.
>
> My farts on them where secretly my most favorite, because I think it
> took them out of whatever musical they thought they were living in, and
> made them alive, made them smell, made them want to throw up for a valid
> reason.
>
> I think all farts should have a color assigned to them, because you know
> when that one fart comes out and lingers in the air and wont leave, I
> mean its obvious that is a green fart. Everyone should know this by now,
> its even documented in cartoons.
>
> A red fart is a spicy one, probably incurred by some type of spicy
> ethnic food with a great amount of chilis and onions.
>
> A yellow fart, well these are worse on the farter, than they are on the
> fartee.
>
> These are sick farts, the ones that are on the verge of being sharts.
> Just imagine the fart that comes after downing like gallon of vodka,
> eating like 5 gyros on st. marks, then bagging a hooker named natasha,
> who acts like she is from russia, but you know just know she ****ing
> grew up in Hackensack.
>
> This is never good, especially in the kitchen, so if I think I have a
> yellow in tow, I clamp my hole shut and run to the nearest bathroom to
> unleash the fury.
>
> Unless, of course I am at home, then what the hell, I let it rip and see
> what happens. New underwear are only like 5 feet away, so lets see what
> happens, life is a journey.
>
> I think I will post the story of every single persons very own and
> original fart on here every night for 37 nights. Some are really good
> ones, some are just farts, but I will let you be the judge.
>
> And maybe by the end some of you will know who i am, and if you ever do
> figure it out, come to my restaurant and tell the bartender this: "Mr.
> Bojangles and his two sidewinders sent me", he will give you a free
> drink, and a laugh.

Sick ****.

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