FoodBanter.com - Dead Spread

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On Tue 28 Apr 2009 05:30:00a, jmcquown told us...

> "Wayne Boatwright" > wrote in message
> .250...
>>I never thought I'd be posting about one of these since I'm rarely
>>involved
>> in a funeral. But here we were, the mother of my best friend had
>> passed away at age 90. There was to be a memorial service, followed by
>> a reception at my friend's home. I played the organ for the memorial
>> service.
>>
> I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your friends mother.

Thank you, Jill.

> I've never understood "dead spreads". I know my mother wasn't fond of
> the idea. It's like throwing a party because someone died. My mother
> didn't want to have a "reception" after my father died. The funeral
> home actually asked me if we were going to do this and wanted to print
> invitations for her. That would be a NO. They also wanted to bring
> over a funeral wreath to hang on the front door. Sorry but no one is
> wearing black crepe for a year, either.

When each of my parents died we had a small gathering of friends and family
and my home, and there was food served. I'd hardly call it a party. There
were people there who lived locally as well as people from out of town. It
was a way of acknowledging my parents beyond the silence of the funeral, and
of celebrating their lives and sharing remembrances of them.

> Back in the day (as they say) the "dead spread " was to help tide the
> family over because the grieving widow(er) certainly would be so
> prostrate with grief they couldn't possibly cook for the family for at
> least a week. Hence, Barb Schaller's hot dish heaven ;)

Veru true. I remember when my dad's father died in the 1950s. They lived on
a farm, and my grandfather was "laid out" in the front parlor. Many paeople
came bearing various foods. It was the custom, but it was clearly not a
party.

> From your account it's a catered affair with crystal glasses, champagne
> flowing and copious desserts. Sounds more like a party to me.

This was definitely not a "catered affair". There was good food that came
from a very good source, as well as homemade desserts. There were no
invitations, apart from a verbal mention at the end of the memorial service
that those who wished to return to the daughter's home were most welcome.
The group was comprised of family, close friends, and close co-workers of the
deceased's daughter. It was a celebration of her mother's life and full of
remembrances through the years by those who knew her. There was neither
crystal nor champagne.

--
Wayne Boatwright
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I refuse to believe that trading recipes is silly. Tuna fish
casserole is at least as real as corporate stock. ~Barbara
Grizzuti Harrison

In article >,
"jmcquown" > wrote:

> I've never understood "dead spreads". I know my mother wasn't fond of the
> idea. It's like throwing a party because someone died.

I hope there's a party when I die. Not to celebrate my death, of
course, but to celebrate my life.

Back when my wife worked in a [ObFood] food testing lab, there were a
couple of Filipino women who worked there. The mother of one of them
died. Party time! The party lasted 7 days! We were invited to one
evening. Each day of the party had a different meaning, and the day we
went to was for everybody. I don't know about the other days, but I
know it was a much smaller group. The food was unbelievable. A whole
suckling pig. A whole fish so big I have no idea how it was cooked.
Not only was it too big for a home oven, but it was much too big for a
standard commercial oven. All sorts of other stuff. We stayed a few
hours and then went home. It was expected for some to stay all night.
The big night attraction was mah-jongg, which I think was played for
money.

> Sorry but no one is wearing black crepe for a
> year, either.

The daughter (who was old enough to be our mother) wore black, all
black, for a solid year.

I always enjoyed pot lucks at my wife's lab (I worked at the same Army
base, but about a block away). The Filipino ladies often made lumpia,
which is fried egg roll. The dipping sauce was very thin, with lots of
vinegar and garlic.

--
Dan Abel
Petaluma, California USA

On Tue 28 Apr 2009 04:30:46p, D K told us...

> Bob Terwilliger wrote:
>> Becca wrote:
>>
>>> I did not know the departed, but when I croak, I want there to be a
>>> party.
>>
>> I think we can all be pretty sure that there will be a helluva party
>> when Sheldon finally becomes worm food. (I mean earthworms, that is,
>> not the pinworms which already infest him.)
>>
>> Bob
>>
>>
>>
>
> I agree with this post.
>
> -dk
>

As do I!

--
Wayne Boatwright
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The devil hides in every credit card and cheese cake. ~John Smith

"Wayne Boatwright" > wrote in message
5.247...
> On Tue 28 Apr 2009 05:30:00a, jmcquown told us...
>
>> "Wayne Boatwright" > wrote in message
>> .250...
>>>I never thought I'd be posting about one of these since I'm rarely
>>>involved
>>> in a funeral. But here we were, the mother of my best friend had
>>> passed away at age 90. There was to be a memorial service, followed by
>>> a reception at my friend's home. I played the organ for the memorial
>>> service.
>>>
>> I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your friends mother.
>
> Thank you, Jill.
>
>> I've never understood "dead spreads". I know my mother wasn't fond of
>> the idea. It's like throwing a party because someone died. My mother
>> didn't want to have a "reception" after my father died. The funeral
>> home actually asked me if we were going to do this and wanted to print
>> invitations for her. That would be a NO. They also wanted to bring
>> over a funeral wreath to hang on the front door. Sorry but no one is
>> wearing black crepe for a year, either.
>
> When each of my parents died we had a small gathering of friends and
> family
> and my home, and there was food served. I'd hardly call it a party.
> There
> were people there who lived locally as well as people from out of town.
> It
> was a way of acknowledging my parents beyond the silence of the funeral,
> and
> of celebrating their lives and sharing remembrances of them.
>
>> Back in the day (as they say) the "dead spread " was to help tide the
>> family over because the grieving widow(er) certainly would be so
>> prostrate with grief they couldn't possibly cook for the family for at
>> least a week. Hence, Barb Schaller's hot dish heaven ;)
>
> Veru true. I remember when my dad's father died in the 1950s. They lived
> on
> a farm, and my grandfather was "laid out" in the front parlor. Many
> paeople
> came bearing various foods. It was the custom, but it was clearly not a
> party.
>
>> From your account it's a catered affair with crystal glasses, champagne
>> flowing and copious desserts. Sounds more like a party to me.
>
> This was definitely not a "catered affair". There was good food that came
> from a very good source, as well as homemade desserts. There were no
> invitations, apart from a verbal mention at the end of the memorial
> service
> that those who wished to return to the daughter's home were most welcome.
> The group was comprised of family, close friends, and close co-workers of
> the
> deceased's daughter. It was a celebration of her mother's life and full
> of
> remembrances through the years by those who knew her. There was neither
> crystal nor champagne.
>
I have pre-paid my funeral. There is no expensive casket (I won't be there,
I want to sleep in a good bed now while I can enjoy it), no viewing (I hate
people to stare at me when I am at my best, I certainly don't want it when I
am dead), no funeral. Flowers? If you want me to have flowers, then send
'em to be now, they are absolutely no good to me when I am beyone caring!
I'm to be taken straight to the cemetary and dropped off. My family has
been told that if they feel they must do something, then have a party. I
would much rather hae my insurance money or savings be used for a party and
buying a few drinks then spending it at the funeral home. YMMV.

Debbie

On Tue, 28 Apr 2009 08:30:00 -0400, "jmcquown" >
wrote:

>From your account it's a catered affair with crystal glasses, champagne
>flowing and copious desserts. Sounds more like a party to me.

I've been to dead spreads... they *are* a party. Even my uncle's
after funeral gathering was more of a party than a solemn occasion.
Everyone was sad, but it was great to make connections with family
members we hadn't seen in ages or (in my case) didn't know at all.

People gather to morn and end up telling hilarious stories about the
"dearly beloved". In the end people laugh, make connections, renew
old friendships, meet relatives they don't see often (or never) and in
general enjoy themselves in spite of the solemn occasion.

When my kids were in elementary school, one of my friends died of
breast cancer at age 35. She was Chinese, but she threw an old
fashioned Irish wake after her death. She wanted her friends to
laugh, not cry. I think she had a healthy outlook (life goes on) and
I hope I can be the same way when my time comes.

--
I love cooking with wine.
Sometimes I even put it in the food.

On Tue, 28 Apr 2009 11:35:35 -0500, "Gregory Morrow"
> wrote:

>It's a pretty good bet that no one really wants to "see" Jill under any
>circumstances...

I wasn't about her. It was about her parents.

--
I love cooking with wine.
Sometimes I even put it in the food.

On Tue, 28 Apr 2009 11:31:36 -0500, "Gregory Morrow"
> wrote:

>You weren't even sorry about your *own* mother's passing, vulture, who do ya
>think you are kiddin, LOL...???

Stop it Greg! That's not even partly funny. She loved her parents
and took care of them, unlike her two vulture brothers.

--
I love cooking with wine.
Sometimes I even put it in the food.

On Wed, 29 Apr 2009 04:31:03 GMT, Wayne Boatwright
> wrote:

>Veru true. I remember when my dad's father died in the 1950s. They lived on
>a farm, and my grandfather was "laid out" in the front parlor. Many paeople
>came bearing various foods. It was the custom, but it was clearly not a
>party.

OMG! That's exactly the way they sent out my great grandmother. If
dead people in houses didn't affect the price so much (superstition),
that's what I'd do too. I love having life marking ceremonies in the
home. I had my daughter baptized in my house and never regretted it.

--
I love cooking with wine.
Sometimes I even put it in the food.

Debbie wrote:

> I have pre-paid my funeral. There is no expensive casket (I won't be
> there, I want to sleep in a good bed now while I can enjoy it), no
> viewing (I hate people to stare at me when I am at my best, I
> certainly don't want it when I am dead), no funeral.

Wow, a woman after my own heart. Just cremate me and scatter
my ashes (or not) and be done with it. A viewing? hell no.

> Flowers? If
> you want me to have flowers, then send 'em to be now, they are
> absolutely no good to me when I am beyone caring! I'm to be taken
> straight to the cemetary and dropped off. My family has been told
> that if they feel they must do something, then have a party. I would
> much rather hae my insurance money or savings be used for a party and
> buying a few drinks then spending it at the funeral home. YMMV.

I know funerals are for the living. Well, I'll be dead, so leave me out of
it. Heh.

nancy

On Tue, 28 Apr 2009 15:07:04 -0700, Bob Terwilliger wrote:

> Becca wrote:
>
>> I did not know the departed, but when I croak, I want there to be a party.
>
> I think we can all be pretty sure that there will be a helluva party when
> Sheldon finally becomes worm food. (I mean earthworms, that is, not the
> pinworms which already infest him.)
>
> Bob

<snort>

your pal,
blake

On Wed, 29 Apr 2009 07:22:45 -0400, Nancy Young wrote:

> Debbie wrote:
>
>> I have pre-paid my funeral. There is no expensive casket (I won't be
>> there, I want to sleep in a good bed now while I can enjoy it), no
>> viewing (I hate people to stare at me when I am at my best, I
>> certainly don't want it when I am dead), no funeral.
>
> Wow, a woman after my own heart. Just cremate me and scatter
> my ashes (or not) and be done with it. A viewing? hell no.
>

he looks so natural! how unlike when he was alive!

your pal,
blake