This ep opens with SLop wearing an inappropriate black tank top with a red
circle over her right nipple and some white stylized vertical Chinese
lettering. After rattling off her menu, she starts bragging about the new
window treatment she made with cloth and a hotgun.

After the open credits, SLop walks in clutching several plastic bottles and
tells us she's going to make the best Asian fusion spicy food we've ever seen,
cleverly failing to mention how it tastes. She begins by straining a can of
crab into a strainer instead of using the lid like most of us, then smashes it
down with her fist to get all of the "juice" out. To this she adds some wassabi
mayonnaise, telling us that wassabi mayonnaise can be found next to the regular
mayonnaise in the store, adding that if you open your eyes you'll see it and
all sorts of other favours that you can use on your food! She adds some
Chung-King soy sauce, some freshly-squeezed lemon juice, and some chopped
chives to the miraculously "fluffed" crab and then mashes the hell out of it
with a fork. She mentions that this crab mixture also makes excellent
sandwiches and a stuffing for flounder.

She takes some flour tortillas and punches holes out with a biscuit cutter (you
can use a tuna can too). Why not use wonton wrappers and not waste anything?
Pressing her full weight against the counter, she punches out eight circles
from the tortilla, enough to make four little cakes, then cuts an extra one for
no apparent reason. SLop begins to finely chop some scallions which suddenly
become completely diced, thanks to the magic of editing and MV. She brushes a
"cake" with egg wash, sprinkles some scallion on it, tops it with another
"cake", then puts it into a frying pan, telling us we don't have to put any
grease into the pan because they're being toasted, not fried, adding that "you
could use an oven if you want". As she finishes making the "pancakes", she
claims that whenever she goes to "a Asian restaurant", she sees these scallion
pancakes. Whatever. Placing the last one in the cold pan, she repeats that we
are heating these up.

Sandra starts her shrimp dish by heating some oil in a pan and some ("spicy!")
crushed pepper and a lump of minced garlic from a jar. She then returns to the
other pan to flip the "cakes" with a spatula. You can tell they are ready when
the rims start to curl up. SLop introduces her toy boat centerpiece by saying
"'My boat has come in!', or is it 'My ship has come in'?". She then places a
baby stepladder in the middle of the counter and then sets a tacky Chinese junk
on it. She goes back to the other pan and adds some light coconut milk,
creating a white fluid with a greasing yellow slick. To this, she adds some
chicken broth and some Chung-King soy sauce. She stirs the mixture and says
she's going to let this meld together. She then puts the pancakes onto the boat
,then tops them with the crab mixture and a dollop of wassabi. I have the funny
feeling this show was developed to showcase the new "dishes" and cute
"boat/ship" she purchased. As she stirs the contents of the other pan, we bop
out to commercial break.

As we return from commercial, I notice this show is rated "G", for "Gross".
Speaking of gross, that sauce is a deep poop brown now. She adds some heavy
cream and tells us that it will literally take almost no time to cook the
shrimp. She dumps in some bay shrimp and lets it sit. In a saucepan, she sautes
some garlic from a jar in some oil and adds some beef stock and a half cup of
orange marmalade. She then adds a little Chung-King soy sauce and ten "dried
baby chilies". Those aren't "dried baby chilies", you moron! Those are Thai
chili peppers! Do you know how hot Thai chili peppers are? As the chilies boil,
she puts the shrimp into a bowl and garnishes it with a sprig of cilantro.

SLop begins on her crispy beef by making a bed of frisee for her crispy beef to
sit in. She unwraps some "plank steak" (confirmed by close captioning) on the
counter but sets it aside so she can fry some rice noodles in oil. She opens a
brick of noodles about the size of a large bag of flour and puts about a third
into the pan. To her surprise, the noodles sizzle and expand to fill up the
pan. Dammit, I thought we were going to see a hot oil accident when she put
those noodles into the pan of oil and they started to flare up like that. I
don't think she expected THAT to happen. I wonder if there's a blooper reel out
there... She flips it over so both sides get completely cooked in the hot oil.
She sets the uncooked noodles aside and then begins to hack apart the "plank
steak" into little one-inch pieces. Meanwhile, the noodles are still in that
pan, darkening and shrinking. With a "Me washie handsies!", SLop washes her
hands and dries them. At this point, the noodles have clearly shriveled up to
the size of a deck of playing cards. She moseys back to her rice noodles, which
have been miraculously restored to their original size and color, and puts them
onto a plate to drain. She tells us to save the oil for the beef. She puts corn
starch (flour is OK) into strainer, then adds the meat. The hell? Wouldn't it
make more sense to sift the cornstarch directly over the meat or, if you REALLY
had to use her technique, combine the cornstarch & beef first, then sift it?. A
quick look at the recipe on the Food Network web site seems to indicate she
totally misunderstood her own recipe. Moron. She dumps the meat into the oil
and the frying noise almost overwhelms her. She mixes some corn starch and the
rest of the beef broth in a ramekin, then reaches across the pot of roiling
frying meat to stir it into the pot of "orange sauce", at which point the
frying sounds stop. With a little "Me washie handsies!", she reminds us to use
soap because we're working with meat.I guess she should have done that before
she touched that other stuff. She puts the limp meat onto some paper towels to
drain, then tells us to turn the stove off. SLop has trouble putting the meat
onto the frisee because the meat is sticking to those paper towels, probably
because it is not cooked through and crispy. She pours a bit of the "orange
sauce" onto the meat, then puts a pinch of the rice noodles she just made onto
the meat platter, making it look like it's wearing a rice noodle wig. That was
certainly a waste. SLop exits stage left to put the platter on the table and we
bop out to commercial break.

When we return from commercial, Sandra is entering stage right clutching a
black wine bottle and tells us she's going to make a great dessert to go with
our "Spicy sassy Asian cuisine". She fetches some pineapple-coconut ice cream
form the freezer and puts a glad bag of coconut from the counter onto a baking
sheet and puts it into the oven to toast.

"I want to talk to you about pineapple", SLop solemnly intones. "Pineapple
scares me!" SLop frets. She grabs several knives (a "big one", a "serrated
one", and a "paring knife to make the holes") and starts waxing philosophical
about whether cutting a whole pineapple is actually semi-homemade. She grabs
the pineapple by the top and then "cleverly" reveals a can of pineapple hidden
inside! Argh! Stupid bitch. Apparently her stupid niece falls for it, if what
SLop says can be believed. Yeah, I'd loved to have seen the joy on her little
face when she saw your clever trick. OK, so what happened to the real pineapple
that was sacrificed for her "clever" little trick? Isn't making a pineapple
"shell" is much more difficult than slicing up a real pineapple? She sprays
some PAM ™ onto a grill pan and then bastes the pineapple with a little rum to
help it grill. She grills the pineapple on a grill pan and when she flips the
first piece, she exclaims "Hey! That looks like it was right off the grill!".
Umm, that's because it was! really, she looks like she never expected this to
happen or something. As the pineapple continues to sizzle loudly, she retrieves
the now-toasted coconut from the stove. Fulfilling her duty as spokesperson for
the California Almond Council, she mentions that almonds would also taste good
toasted with the coconut. For each serving, she places two slices of pineapple
on a plate, leaving the rest to continue sizzling away. I am sure the bottoms
are solid charcoal by now. She tops them with a scoop of coconut pineapple "ace
cream" on each, reassuring us that one can buy it any time of the year at the
store. Wait, I thought she was using refrozen adulterated ice cream for this
recipe? She warns us to hurry because the ice cream is a quick melt. No
kidding! Meanwhile, that pan is STILL on the stove, sizzling away. She then
sprinkles a little of the toasted coconut on top. Why the hell did she toast up
an entire pan of coconut for no more than a tablespoon of garnish? As the
pineapples continue to sizzle loudly, SLop tells us she's going to put these on
her table and then for no reason whatsoever, she then shows us what to do with
the rest of that big wad of rice noodles she fried up. She recommends putting
powdered sugar on it and with a nod to her "Phallic Foods" ep, claims it's just
like having Asian funnel cakes. She then exits stage left, totally oblivious to
the pan that is STILL sizzling away. Come back, DAMMIT! Can't you SMELL it?

When we return from commercial, we can tell by the graphic on the screen that
it's now "Sandra's Cocktail Time!". SLop walks in with a bottle of saki and
plum wine in each hand and announces she going to use these and a jar of
maraschino cherries. She fills a pitcher with ice and equal parts plum wine and
saki. She informs us that saki can be served hot or cold, but doesn't specify
if this is the "hot" or "cold" type this applies to. She decants some
maraschino cherry juice from the jar into the pitcher, pours it into glasses,
and garnishes with two cucumber slices and a maraschino cherry. A drink in each
hand, Sandra exits stage left.

SLop enters stage left into her the tablescape, which is filled with loud
rocking muzac. Alas, it's not quite loud enough to drown her out. She tells us
about her tablecloth and how she used placements with faux wood. It's called
"bamboo", Sandie. Argh! Stop shimmying! She put all the food on little stools
and hung a bunch of the bamboo placements from the ceiling, accompanied by one
of the funniest shots of the evening. As her voice tells us they're just like
oriental some sort of bamboo curtain, we can see her raccoon eyes darting about
from the bottom of the TV screen up at them. SLop pimps the Food Network site
and closes out with "Keep it simple, keep it simple, keep it simple spicy, keep
it simple a littttttle sassy, but always keep it sweet and always keep it
homemade".


--
WARNING!!!
Use of these recipes may be hazardous to your health, food budget,
standing in your community and liver function. Use at your own risk!! We
assume no liability from any illness or injury sustained while eating the
"food" or being exposed to crapass tablescapes. And no, we're not sure
where she grew up either. The Cordon Bleu disavows any knowlege of Miss Lee.