FoodBanter.com - View Single Post - Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee: Sandra Lee's Semi-Homemade Thanksgiving

ANIM8Rfsk

In article >,
(Ubiquitous) wrote:

Except she leaves it to sit for at least 3 hours (see below).

interupted by an awkward voice-over
> saying "rich and moist and delicious!" and returning just in time to see her
> struggling with moving the turkey to a platter using a pair of iron claws.
> Beaming with some weird sense of accomplishment, she beams "Pretty good for a
> girl, huh?". Yeah, whatever. She then makes gravy from the pan drippings.
>
> I've seen gravy before and that was turkey flour soup, not gravy.

Ha!

> Sandra introduces her next konkoction by announcing "And now for the yummy
> vegetables!" as we suddenly cut to a shot of a pan of bacon swimming in
> grease. She tries to make a version of that nasty green bean casserole
> everyone makes but adds peas, onions, bacon, and a packet of garlic herb
> seasoning and gives this concoction an incredibly long name, "garlic herb
> french green bean and early pea casserole". SLop tells us to use tongs to
> toss
> the casserole because the peas would get mushed if you used a spoon or fork.
> Only if you tried to, moron.

Hell, she didn't even manage to mash potatoes.
>
> Why is SLop using bath towels as potholders?
>
> SLop atempted to make mashers with a bag of frozen roasted potatoes that she
> microwaved. When she tried to mash them, it was obvious that they had become
> vulcanized in the oven. In a saucepan, SLop mixed buttermilk, a half stick of
> butter, and a packet of alfredo sauce (because she likes parmesian cheese,
> which is what makes alfredo sauce taste so good). She whisked the contents of
> the sauce pan but when she pulled the whisk out the stick of unmelted butter
> was stuck to it. She added the mixture to the smashed up potatoes, producing
> a
> grey-brown lump.

If I had sat down at the table, I'd have looked around and asked if
there were any mashed pototaes, because I'd have never recognized that
mess she made for what it was supposed to be.
>
> SLop pours the vomitous beans into a platter. It looks like something a cow
> would hork up from one of its four stomachs.

green bean sludge.
>
> SLop next makes some sort of appetizer with figs, mentioning that if fresh
> ones are not available one can substitute dried ones. She bisects them
> lengthwise, pipes goat cheese onto them, wraps them in prosciutto, sprinkles
> them with pumpkin pie spice, and drizzles them with honey before putting them
> in the oven and we bop out to commercial.
>
> When we return from commercial, Sandie's removing the stuffing from the oven
> and deep throats one of the figs, but we cut away to a "Mmmmm" and her
> beginning her Native American Indian pudding by mixing muffin mix,
> butterscotch pudding (an old Native American tradition), eggs, molasses,
> ginger, and brown cinnamon (noting that pumpkin pie spice can be
> substituted).
> She combines the dry ingredients and the wet ones separately, because the
> molasses is too thick to dump directly into the dry ingredients. Pouring the
> wet ingredients into the dry, she exclaims "You can see how rich this is!"
> and
> whisks them and pours it into a slow cooker insert. This time we are spared
> that monkey business about putting hot things in a cold crock pot (or vica
> versa).

Oh, she says it. "Put this in while the slow cooker is cold, then turn
it on high"

My question is, why is she starting something that takes THREE FREAKING
HOURS in the slow cooker AFTER she takes the turkey out of the oven?? I
assume she's serving everything stone cold?

>
> SLop next makes a wreath out of whack-a-dough biscuits. SLop tells us that
> she
> likes to use pumpkin pie spice is everything. Oh really? She dips the
> biscuits
> into cinnamon, takes a rolling pin to them, and stamps out leaves with a
> cookie-cutter. On a baking sheet she makes a ring with the leaves, stems
> pointed inward and overlapped. With the remaining dough, she makes smaller
> leaves and meticulously carves veins into them. For the wreath she makes an
> egg wash coating, telling us that it forms a nice sheen and shimmer and then
> sprinkles it with raw sugar. Taking a wreath she already baked, she makes a
> glaze with watery maple syrup

Completely obsuring all the ridiculous detail she'd hand carved in. She
ended up with just a mess that in no way resembled leaves.

Great job, Ubi - thanks!