On Thu 02 Feb 2006 07:31:43p, Thus Spake Zarathustra, or was it Elaine
Parrish?

>
>
>
> On Thu, 2 Feb 2006, Julia Altshuler wrote:
>
>> I'm changing the subject from the food to etiquette after funerals in
>> general. Thankfully I'm not asking for any specific moment in the near
>> future, but this is something I've been wondering about. Is there any
>> way NOT to have a bunch of people over after a funeral? My parents
>> (both in pretty good health but still in their 80s) are well-known and
>> well-loved in their community. They have LOTS of friends. I'm far
>> more private and better in small groups. I'm capable of engaging in
>> small talk and handling big parties, but I don't love it. So I can
>> imagine this scene: After the funeral, all of my parents' friends
>> decide to come back over to the house to comfort me. They all mean
>> well and politely bring food. Except I don't want them there! I don't
>> see how to keep people away from the funeral of their old friend, but I
>> don't see why I should have to be social and displaying public grief at
>> exactly the moment I don't want to. Insight and advice from people who
>> have been there, please.
>>
>>
>> --Lia
>>
>>
>
> I totally understand what you are saying. Here, in the South, going back
> to the house after the funeral is by invitation only.

That has always been my thinking, but my heritage is Southern.

> Here, the food begins arriving at the house when the death is first
> known. Generally, burial is 2 to 3 days after the death (depending on
> how early in the day the death occurred and how far away family members
> are that are coming in). The purpose of the food is to feed family
> members prior to the funeral and then for several days after. It's not
> for any kind of "party". It is to care for the family.

Exactly what I remember.

> Friends come to the house with the food. Generally, a more
> emotionally-removed relative or friend [or two or three] serves as an
> in-house organizer for all the trafic.
>
> The immediate family may or may not receive visitors, reitiring to a
> different part of the house if and when they want to be alone or want to
> receive a select visitor or two.
>
> We have "visitation" at the funeral home the night before the funeral.
> The day of the funeral everyone shows up at the funeral home (or church)
> and then afterward there is the trip to the cemetery. At the cemetery
> there is a good bit of milling around.

Same here.

> Most people take a moment to pay final respects to the family. At this
> time, the family will or will not extend an invitation to "come to the
> house". It totally depends on the family.

Again, what I remember.

> Some people need to be alone. Some need the people around them. Some
> families are half and half. So at the house, sometimes one will retreat
> to another room, while another visits.
>
> If you feel the need to have *your* closest friends around you, invite
> them to the house. If not, don't invite anyone. If someone askes if you
> want them to come back to the house, and you don't, just say that you
> need to be alone.
>
> Most people are going out of their way to try and be helpful. They'd
> rather be at home and not dealing with the whole thing. It's difficult
> and awkward. They aren't looking for a party.

It would appear that some are.


--
Wayne Boatwright o¿o
____________________

BIOYA