One of the best things about Halloween is that you can turn yourself into
anything to anyone you want. She ratttles off her menu accompanied by what
sounds like those records with Halloween sounds they used to play when I was
child. Amusing enough are the screams when her eyeball cupcakes. off to
opening credits

When we rtn from opening credits, SLop saunters in from stage right dressed up
as a gothic Benita Bizarre. To my surprise, she announces that she's dressed
up as Cher and reassures us that she is, indeed, Sandra Lee. After warning us
to be carefull with your wig while cooking, she slowly uses the back of her
hand to push the hair from her wig behind her shoulders while making a facial
expression one would normally associate with a blow-up doll. In lieu of
masacring an apple pie, she dumps some cut-up green apples into a buttered
pan. When we cut to a medium shot, the hair of her wig is in front of her
shoulders again and dangling over her pan. She fetches some puff pastry and
cuts out some halloween shapes with cookie cutters. Before she puts them into
the oven, she repeats the stupid motion of pushing her hair back so her hair
doesn't catch on fire while she's in the oven. Oh, if only... She then makes
the filling for her mini-ghoulish cream pies by dumping four cans of snack-pak
pudding into a bowl and adding green food colouring and spooning them into
store-bought graham cracker tarts. SLop confides to us that she loved Cher's
great costumes and how funny she was. So why didn't you chose one of them for
this show? Oh, never mind. She then makes a meringues for the tarts and puts a
spoonful on each. Reaching into a drawer, she produces a mini-torch that she
identifies as being used for "cram brulays". After scortching the meranges,
she returns to working on the pastries by "being spooky" and cutting one of
the "goats" in her hand with a big scarey knife. Alas, she doesn't slip and
cut off a couple fingers in the process. Before slathering on some apple
butter she does the stupid hair pushing movement for a third time, then adds
some of the apples and sprays some whipped cream onto the pastry and placing
the other half of the sliced pastry on top. Yes, it's another variation of the
"incognito Cool Whip" sandwhiches that Brycer invented.

When we return from commercial, SLop is wearing a black blazer and headphone
with all her hair in a braid and is flailing her arms around wildly. SLop
starts talking about Madonna, pointedly musing about how Madonna wasn't taken
seriously at first and how she's the hottest thing in pop music today before
starting on her cupcakes which are made from a box of "dark angelfood cake"
mix, whatever THAT is. SLop then tells us the tale of how she won free tickets
to her concert on a radio call-in show one Sunday afternoon and how she
grabbed a friend and high-tailed it to Madison, two hours away. Bwahahahahah!!
SLop went to see Madonna in concert? What a load of Barbra Streissand! Oh
yeah, real subtle there, Sandie, repeating about how Madge was told she had no
talent and would fail, ending with "Who's laughing now?". Please spare us your
delusions of adequacy, mmkay? And for the record, Madonna is far from being
"the biggest thing in pop" now, no matter how desperately she attempts to
remain relevant. As she fills the muffin tins with the batter, some vaguely
Madonna-esque music plays. Grabbing some that MV made, she makes a filling for
them out of peanut butter and butterscotch pudding, but takes the extra step
to make the later from a mix in lieu of a tub of Snak-Pak pudding. At this
point SLop blathers about how Madonna wore multiple costumes at the concert,
each them of unique and fun and inspiring her to dress up like these four
divas at her imminant imaginary party. You and what crew of stylists, and now
that I think about it, didn't you get dressed up a bit prematurely?

After the commercial break, SLop is dressed up like Babs Johnson, down to her
ghoulish fingernails but sadly, sans the nose and vaseline-smeared camera lens
trick. I was laughing too hard at this point to remember what she blabbing
about, but I'm sure it had something to do with she and Babs having something
in common. Inflated ego? Engorged sense of entitlement? A stupid, ill-informed
opinion on things? It was at this point that the folks came in and wondered
what was going on. "Ohh, that's that Sandra Lee lady isn't it? What's wrong
with her fingernails? Why's she cooking dressed like that? Those 'nails are
going to get into the food!". The folks, alas, didn't find the oreo and cream
cheese pie she was making objectionable, so they wandered off at the next
commercial break.

When we returned from commerical, SLop is dressed up like Liza Minella in that
"Cabret" get-up. As soon as I see her, I know what's coming next. Sure enough,
SLop giddily announces "It's cocktail time! Best time of the day!", but sadly,
there still is no accompanying pop-up graphic, but that would just be
redundant. In case we couldn't figure it out on our own, SLop tells us she's
dressed up as Liza Minelli (reminding us the first of many times that "it's
LIZA, with a 'Z', not an 'S', like in LISA" -- thanks for the Sesame Street
moment, SLop!). This week's cacktail is made of vanilla vodka, someone thing
else, and incognito Jagermeister that she refers to as a "licorice liquior".
She mixes the drink in a martini shaker before decanting it into martini
glasses, she tells us she "rimmed" (!) them with a red simple syrup which she
describes in glorious detail via clumsy voice-over which mentions the red food
coloring as an after-thought. As she pours the drinks into the glasses, she
tells us that the stuff on the rim will form "ribbons of blood" as it drips
down the sides fo the glass. The word is "rivulets", Sandie. For a chocking
hazzard, SLop drops one of The Wallet's spare dentures into the glass and
places a piece of black licorice to match the jage"H"H"H"Hlicorice liquior.

SLop shows us her lame tablescape which, once again, is so cluttered that
there's no room on the table for anything else. SLop slurs something about
leaving bags of unwrapped candy on the table as gifts for each of the families
of the children at the party or something like that. She glued a black plate
onto the back of a stuffed crow. Quoth the raven, "Get me the f*ck out of
here."

--
WARNING!!!
Use of these recipes may be hazardous to your health, food budget,
standing in your community and liver function. Use at your own risk!! We
assume no liability from any illness or injury sustained while eating the
"food" or being exposed to crapass tablescapes. And no, we're not sure
where she grew up either. The Cordon Bleu disavows any knowlege of Miss Lee.