>From: Nancy Howells

>I would add this, too: Do ask if you can take care of the small tasks
>that don't have anything to do with food, particularly if the bereaved
>have to leave town to go to the funeral. Offer to (and carry through)
>feed the dog/cat while they're away, water the plants, take care of the
>mail, etc.
>
>Even if they're in town, some of the daily tasks might be overwhelming.
>Offer to take care of picking up dry cleaning, doing a load of laundry
>(especially in the case of a young widow/widower with children).
>
>It's amazing how much one doesn't want to do anything when grieving -
>or, conversely, wants to do everything to the point of exhaustion.
>Someone to step in is a needed and valued thing.
>
>--
>Nancy Howells

As someone who has had a recent death of a young adult in our family, only days
before my first grandchild was born - as well as several untimely and tragic
deaths over the past couple decades, I'd like to offer some other advice.

Death, while part of the circle of life, isn't timed well, and often happens
near a holiday, birthday or other special family event. When my father and
brother passed away suddenly, it was right before my daughter's first birthday.
I was going to cancel the already planned party, but my family insisted that we
must focus on the new little lives in our family, no matter how much we were
grieving. We did, and the party was held at a children's party center, with all
the cousins, aunts, uncles and our mother attending. For a couple hours we were
able to celebrate the youth in our family and it was good.

When I went to pay the check, the manager came to me with a receipt, completely
unaware of our personal family tragedy. The party had been paid for in full by
my father only a few days before he and my brother passed away. No words can
express how much that meant to us, and how close I came to not realizing my
father's last wonderful gesture of love for his family.

From then on, we understood the importance of celebrating all the birthdays,
the anniversaries, the holidays - even if we stepped in and hosted them for our
loved ones in their time of mourning. The tears were replaced by laughter, if
even for a little while - and there was comfort in that.

So my advice is, no matter how hesitant you might be by intruding in your
friend's or loved one's time of mourning to celebrate some special time in
their life, please do. Immediate reactions may vary, but in time the memory of
that gesture will be of great comfort. I know.

Ellen