On 2/15/2018 4:21 PM, Dave Smith wrote:

> Our neighbours serve up huge spreads of food. She is Italian and does
> the full Italian meal thing. She will have soup, salad, pasta, a roast
> of some sort, and a selection of desserts.Â* As I understand it, they
> serve these huge meals and thenÂ* heat up the leftovers for dinners for
> the rest of the week.
>
> I am not Italian so I am not used to meals like that. It is hard to
> pace. I am used to having a pasta dish as an entree, not as one of 4 or
> 5 courses of food. I don't want to upset my hosts by not having room for
> the main event when it comes.

We ran into the same thing when I was a teenager and we were invited to
my father's friend's house for Thanksgiving. Lasagna for dinner, okay.
Didn't think anything of it. Then the turkey came out. None of us
could eat a bite. Ooops.

nancy

> Most people don't consider a custom to be rude so long as it's reciprocal..


I should have clarified!

I do NOT believe might makes right. If most people believe in a bad custom, it's still a bad custom.

I stopped talking to one friend when he got mad at me for not wanting to pay an admission fee - sort of - on his birthday at his "invitation." (I was hardly the only "guest" who was offended.) As Miss Manners says, over and over:
"If you can't afford champagne, serve punch. If you can't afford punch, serve water. But serve it graciously."



From the Amy Dickinson advice column, fall of 2006:

Dear Amy: I just received yet another invitation to a "party" to which I am supposed to bring food and drink. I have noticed that over the years this "potluck" trend is increasing.

I think potlucks are fine for impoverished grad students or committee meetings, but it seems to me that two gainfully employed adults who own their home should not expect their guests to provide refreshments for themselves.

If the excuse is that both are working and have no time to prepare, I would argue that the same is true for their guests.

If cash is short, a big pot of soup and some crusty bread make fine fare. My understanding is that hospitality means sharing what you have with your friends, not asking them to pay for your "party."

I have taken to simply declining without explanation invitations that require me to provide refreshments as price of admission. I am wondering if I am the only person who is fed up with this whole thing.
- Tired Of Cooking

Dear Tired: I have also noticed an increase in potlucking and agree with you that, depending on the event, bringing your own food and drink to a dinner party hardly seems like hospitality.

Now that you've thrown down the cassoulet, let's see how others respond.

And here's the best follow-up, from Jan. 2007:

"Those who object to potluck dinners should be aware that there is a difference between a dinner that everyone agrees will be shared -- and one to which guests are invited, only to be asked to supply the hostess's menu. I agree that the latter is inappropriate."
__________________________________________________ _

(Trouble is, too many people don't understand the difference.)

Here's what I wrote elsewhe



To put it another way: If you want to be with friends and go out on your birthday but you don't feel like hosting - and you know no one's going to throw you a surprise party - just suggest to your friends that you all get together at some modest restaurant - and Don't Mention that it's your birthday.. That way, at least, they won't feel ANY guilty obligation to accept - and if they have to refuse for some other reason, they won't feel at all peeved.

See? It CAN be done!

....To repeat: It's one thing to suggest to a group of friends that you go out together and split the bill. It's another matter when you make it "your" party - and thus make yourself the "host" - by mentioning that it's your birthday and then refusing to offer any hospitality.

Here's another example. Before parenting became so disgustingly competitive (in the material sense) it was perfectly normal for child guests at birthday parties to bring nothing but one present each - usually not a very expensive one - while the parents provided all the food and entertainment - also not necessarily very expensive.

Anything wrong with that?

In this century, though, many child guests - thanks to the weak-willed parents - have come to more or less expect birthday invitations to include expensive outings, whether to restaurants, concerts, or paintball galleries. This means that the birthday kid's parents, who do not have the spine to say "no" to their tearful kid's demands, have the gall instead to demand that the "guests" pay for the tickets - and the other parents may not be in a good position to chip in for BOTH a present and an outing - and certainly not multiple times a year for other kids' birthdays!

Or, as in a Baby Blues comic strip from a while back, the kid's parents might - shudder - take everyone to the mall and have the birthday kid pick out clothes and toys while the kid's friends pay for them - all so the kid will never have to learn the art of saying graciously "thank you, that was very thoughtful" for an unwanted gift - or having to learn that it's the thought that counts. Parents of the "guests" need to learn to tell their kids "no, we are not accepting that invitation - it's rude and disgusting and YOU would never do that to YOUR guests."


Lenona.

>
> > Leona seems obsessed with these Miss Manners-type posts/topics as
> > they're the only topics she seems to start.


Not true. Try doing a simple search in this ng first. Such as my baked goods chart.