FoodBanter.com - Holiday Cheer :-)

For your delectation, enjoy! :

"On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter. In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest
totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut

+ + + + + + + + + +

Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.

Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost
certain to follow.

'One hundred and fifty pounds!' she'd shout from the curb.

'No! Five pounds!' He would fire back, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd
run by and she'd yell, 'One hundred and Fifty pounds! ' He'd yell
back, 'Five pounds!'

One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her 'husband' on
his jog.

As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince
Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder
what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd
better have a good explanation for his Wife.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he
became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the
hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the
pair jogged past.

Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled:
'See what you get for five pounds, you tight *******?!'

+ + + + + + + + +

EXPLANATION ???????

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom
making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried.
'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your
children! I'm leaving you.. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I
can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but
they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive
home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down
and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the
car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas
I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're
afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she
was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so
I threw them away..

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you
have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too
tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present,
which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you
don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you
bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at
work has a pair the same..'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful
for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she
turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have
anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

+ + + + + + + + + +

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play
date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother
replied.

"It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do! You weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are
really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a
divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her
friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers
license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old
you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name
did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy
got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks.

"Why?"
"Because you got an "F" in sex."

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