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Default Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee: Holiday Cocktail Party

The sound people must have been vacation during the introduction. Or they were
playing a trick on her. Must have had too many gingerbread martinis.

Oh barf! Apricot jam AND catalina dressing AND worchestershire on meatballs?
BARF! I think Im going to die now. At least she reminded us again to defrost
those meatballs. They would never heat through after 3 hours in the cooker if
you didnt.

What, is crumbling a block of bleu cheese too hard now? Gotta buy the lesser
quality crumbles, huh?

No, Sandy, cream cheese and bleu cheese aren't really like gelato. Italians
hate you.

Whats the point of making the cheeseballs softball sized? Wouldnt making them
single serving be much more sensible? Either that or make ONE big cheeseball.
I will take bets on how long it takes people to destroy that entire showpiece
in an attempt to reach in and scoop up some of that.

Those shrimp look like vomit.

Holy cow, check that shrimp VO. What on earth did she originally say?

Crispy tempura shrimp + hideous creamy sauce = soggy, nasty, horrid coating.
This could, in theory, have been a good idea. If the sauce werent gross and
were used as a dipping sauce.

People will not be thinking about your endive attention to detail. They will
be gagging on tempura mush.

Puhlease, let the king nutcracker cook. He hates you too. He would never make
tempura mush. On that note, seriously, I like nutcrackers too, but I dont
think they cook with me. Alchoholism is such a sad thing. We should show this
in health classes everywhere.

Wouldn't she want to prevent people from tempering the effects of alcohol with
food?

Wait, this is it. This is it. The explanation. She grew up amist horrible
industrial waste pollution. That explains everything. Why else would she think
an electric blue cocktail looks like snow?

OMG, Im she's trying to kill her guests. After one of those gingerbread
monstrosities someone's gonna poke an eye out. Death by gingerbread man. How
embarassing. I spoke too soon. Death by gingerbread man or candycane.

What is with her slipping into something more comfortable for her parties? I
dont know about anyone else here, but I cook in comfy clothes and then dress
up for the party. So sad, the effects of alcoholism.

Fluting the edges will make the bag look full. As opposed to say, filling the
bag.

I wont say what the white icing dripping off the starburst looks like. I won't
go there. Just....

OH SWEET JESUS SHE DECORATED HER TREE WITH BARWARE!!!!!

In article >,
wrote:
>
> The holiday season is the best time of the year. It’s
> where tradition meets modern, especially with Semi-Homemade.
> Sandra shows you how to create fabulous semi-homemade
> appetizers and cocktails right in your own kitchen.
> First up, Blue Cheese with Date Spread. Marmalade
> Meatballs are sure to be a party pleaser, and the
> final appetizer is a traditional one, only this time
> served with a kick–Rock Shrimp with Spicy Creamy
> Sauce. Then it’s cocktail time! Sandra has three
> special beverages to get you in the holiday spirit: a
> Frosty Cocktail, a Candy Cane Cocktail and a Gingerbread
> Martini. Finally, a special Santa’s Sleigh party favor
> made with your favorites candies.
>
>Holy CRAP, people! We got a classic on our hands here!
>
>The more abominable food than usual, her bevy of nutcrakcers to which she
>all gave names and back-stories ("This is Fredrick. He's French and a school
>teacher..." ) and of course, last but certainly not least, her "cocktail
>tree", a Xmas tree with every piece of glassware from her bar wired upside
>down to the branches and topped by a nutcracker clutching a martini glass
>filled with his own windex-tini.
>
>I am shocked and awed!
>
>--
>WARNING!!!
>Use of these recipes may be hazardous to your health, food budget,
>standing in your community and liver function. Use at your own risk!! We
>assume no liability from any illness or injury sustained while eating the
>"food" or being exposed to crapass tablescapes. And no, we're not sure
>where she grew up either. The Cordon Bleu disavows any knowlege of Miss Lee.


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Default Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee: Holiday Cocktail Party

The holiday season is the best time of the year. It’s
where tradition meets modern, especially with Semi-Homemade.
Sandra shows you how to create fabulous semi-homemade
appetizers and cocktails right in your own kitchen.
First up, Blue Cheese with Date Spread. Marmalade
Meatballs are sure to be a party pleaser, and the
final appetizer is a traditional one, only this time
served with a kick–Rock Shrimp with Spicy Creamy
Sauce. Then it’s cocktail time! Sandra has three
special beverages to get you in the holiday spirit: a
Frosty Cocktail, a Candy Cane Cocktail and a Gingerbread
Martini. Finally, a special Santa’s Sleigh party favor
made with your favorites candies.

Holy CRAP, people! We got a classic on our hands here!

The more abominable food than usual, her bevy of nutcrakcers to which she
all gave names and back-stories ("This is Fredrick. He's French and a school
teacher..." ) and of course, last but certainly not least, her "cocktail
tree", a Xmas tree with every piece of glassware from her bar wired upside
down to the branches and topped by a nutcracker clutching a martini glass
filled with his own windex-tini.

I am shocked and awed!

--
WARNING!!!
Use of these recipes may be hazardous to your health, food budget,
standing in your community and liver function. Use at your own risk!! We
assume no liability from any illness or injury sustained while eating the
"food" or being exposed to crapass tablescapes. And no, we're not sure
where she grew up either. The Cordon Bleu disavows any knowlege of Miss Lee.



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Default Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee: Holiday Cocktail Party

Ubiquitous scribbled on the wall in crayon
:
> Marmalade Meatballs are sure to be a party pleaser,


NO!!! Not the MEATBALLS!


and the
> final appetizer is a traditional one, only this time
> served with a kick–Rock Shrimp with Spicy Creamy
> Sauce.


MMMMM! Spicy creamy sauce!


Then it’s cocktail time! Sandra has three
> special beverages to get you in the holiday spirit: a
> Frosty Cocktail, a Candy Cane Cocktail and a Gingerbread
> Martini. Finally, a special Santa’s Sleigh party favor
> made with your favorites candies.


This means yet another choking hazard? crumbled up gingerbread cookies
IN the martini?

--


The movie of my life must be really low-budget. - Harry Dresden
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Default Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee: Holiday Cocktail Party

Ravenlynne wrote:
> Ubiquitous scribbled on the wall in crayon
> :
> > Marmalade Meatballs are sure to be a party pleaser,

>
> NO!!! Not the MEATBALLS!
>
>
> and the
>> final appetizer is a traditional one, only this time served
>> with a kick–Rock Shrimp with Spicy Creamy Sauce.

>
> MMMMM! Spicy creamy sauce!
>
>
> Then it’s cocktail time! Sandra has three
>> special beverages to get you in the holiday spirit: a Frosty
>> Cocktail, a Candy Cane Cocktail and a Gingerbread Martini.
>> Finally, a special Santa’s Sleigh party favor made with your
>> favorites candies.

>
> This means yet another choking hazard? crumbled up gingerbread cookies
> IN the martini?


LOL... your reply has me laughing aloud. You *know* Slop well, I see!!

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Default Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee: Holiday Cocktail Party


"Ubiquitous" > wrote in message
. ..
> The holiday season is the best time of the year. It's
> where tradition meets modern, especially with Semi-Homemade.
> Sandra shows you how to create fabulous semi-homemade
> appetizers and cocktails right in your own kitchen.
> First up, Blue Cheese with Date Spread. Marmalade
> Meatballs are sure to be a party pleaser, and the
> final appetizer is a traditional one, only this time
> served with a kick-Rock Shrimp with Spicy Creamy
> Sauce. Then it's cocktail time! Sandra has three
> special beverages to get you in the holiday spirit: a
> Frosty Cocktail, a Candy Cane Cocktail and a Gingerbread
> Martini. Finally, a special Santa's Sleigh party favor
> made with your favorites candies.
>
> Holy CRAP, people! We got a classic on our hands here!
>
> The more abominable food than usual, her bevy of nutcrakcers to which she
> all gave names and back-stories ("This is Fredrick. He's French and a
> school
> teacher..." ) and of course, last but certainly not least, her "cocktail
> tree", a Xmas tree with every piece of glassware from her bar wired upside
> down to the branches and topped by a nutcracker clutching a martini glass
> filled with his own windex-tini.
>
> I am shocked and awed!
>
> --
> WARNING!!!
> Use of these recipes may be hazardous to your health, food budget,
> standing in your community and liver function. Use at your own risk!! We
> assume no liability from any illness or injury sustained while eating the
> "food" or being exposed to crapass tablescapes. And no, we're not sure
> where she grew up either. The Cordon Bleu disavows any knowlege of Miss
> Lee.


I had to put my head between my legs and take deep, regular breaths during
the entire show. As I would occasionally rouse myself enough to focus on
the television I would be hit with yet another assault on the senses. This
was one for the ages!

And, yes, I was struck speechless at the sight of the tree. In fact, I'm
still having trouble forming coherent sentences.


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Default Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee: Holiday Cocktail Party



You have to STOP, now! My guts are in turmoil from laughing. People
keep coming in to see if they need to call for an ambulance.

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Default Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee: Holiday Cocktail Party

Oh, my good sweet lord. Best. Episode. Ever.

I laughed hysterically at the Kocktail Kristmas Tree. That was amazing. I have
an idea for a new Christmas theme next year (sorry, my barware budget has
already been exhausted for this year...).

However, I will have nightmares about that Nutcracker. The scary thing is, I
think my mother-in-law has the same nutcracker.

In article >,
wrote:
>
>
> The holiday season is the best time of the year. It’s
> where tradition meets modern, especially with Semi-Homemade.
> Sandra shows you how to create fabulous semi-homemade
> appetizers and cocktails right in your own kitchen.
> First up, Blue Cheese with Date Spread. Marmalade
> Meatballs are sure to be a party pleaser, and the
> final appetizer is a traditional one, only this time
> served with a kick–Rock Shrimp with Spicy Creamy
> Sauce. Then it’s cocktail time! Sandra has three
> special beverages to get you in the holiday spirit: a
> Frosty Cocktail, a Candy Cane Cocktail and a Gingerbread
> Martini. Finally, a special Santa’s Sleigh party favor
> made with your favorites candies.
>
>Holy CRAP, people! We got a classic on our hands here!
>
>The more abominable food than usual, her bevy of nutcrakcers to which she
>all gave names and back-stories ("This is Fredrick. He's French and a school
>teacher..." ) and of course, last but certainly not least, her "cocktail
>tree", a Xmas tree with every piece of glassware from her bar wired upside
>down to the branches and topped by a nutcracker clutching a martini glass
>filled with his own windex-tini.
>
>I am shocked and awed!
>
>--
>WARNING!!!
>Use of these recipes may be hazardous to your health, food budget,
>standing in your community and liver function. Use at your own risk!! We
>assume no liability from any illness or injury sustained while eating the
>"food" or being exposed to crapass tablescapes. And no, we're not sure
>where she grew up either. The Cordon Bleu disavows any knowlege of Miss Lee.
>
>
>


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Default Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee: Holiday Cocktail Party

Goomba38 wrote:
> Ravenlynne wrote:
>> Ubiquitous scribbled on the wall in crayon
>> :
>> > Marmalade Meatballs are sure to be a party pleaser,

>>
>> NO!!! Not the MEATBALLS!
>>
>>
>> and the
>>> final appetizer is a traditional one, only this time served
>>> with a kick–Rock Shrimp with Spicy Creamy Sauce.

>>
>> MMMMM! Spicy creamy sauce!
>>
>>
>> Then it’s cocktail time! Sandra has three
>>> special beverages to get you in the holiday spirit: a Frosty
>>> Cocktail, a Candy Cane Cocktail and a Gingerbread Martini.
>>> Finally, a special Santa’s Sleigh party favor made with your
>>> favorites candies.

>>
>> This means yet another choking hazard? crumbled up gingerbread cookies
>> IN the martini?

>
> LOL... your reply has me laughing aloud. You *know* Slop well, I see!!
>


Oh yeah....

--


The movie of my life must be really low-budget. - Harry Dresden
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Default Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee: Holiday Cocktail Party

In article >,
wrote:
>
>In article >,

wrote:
>
>>And, yes, I was struck speechless at the sight of the tree. In fact, I'm
>>still having trouble forming coherent sentences.

>
>And for those who haven't seen it yet...
>
>
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhAOYtSB5SE


I'm confused. After using all my bar ware to decorate my Christmas tree, what
am I supposed to serve the craptails in? The empty orange marmalade jar?
Should I wash it first or keep as is for the extra orange flavor?



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Default Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee: Holiday Cocktail Party

In article >, wrote:

>And, yes, I was struck speechless at the sight of the tree. In fact, I'm
>still having trouble forming coherent sentences.


And for those who haven't seen it yet...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhAOYtSB5SE

NB: Not Safe For Work (Unless you don't mind your co-workers rushing to
your desk to see why you're on the floor gasping for breath)...


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Default Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee: Holiday Cocktail Party


"Ubiquitous" > wrote

> In article >,
> wrote:
>
>>And, yes, I was struck speechless at the sight of the tree. In fact, I'm
>>still having trouble forming coherent sentences.

>
> And for those who haven't seen it yet...
>
>
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhAOYtSB5SE
>
> NB: Not Safe For Work (Unless you don't mind your co-workers rushing to
> your desk to see why you're on the floor gasping for breath)...


OMG!!! That is friggin hilarious. Screamin riot.

nancy


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Default Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee: Holiday Cocktail Party


"Ubiquitous" > wrote in message
...
> In article >,
> wrote:
>
>>And, yes, I was struck speechless at the sight of the tree. In fact, I'm
>>still having trouble forming coherent sentences.

>
> And for those who haven't seen it yet...
>
>
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhAOYtSB5SE
>
> NB: Not Safe For Work (Unless you don't mind your co-workers rushing to
> your desk to see why you're on the floor gasping for breath)...


Holy ****.........not only does the tree totally defy.......well, I don't
know what it defies, but I'm sure it's something.......but now the "Lush-Us
SLop" is making drinks for inanimate objects. The nutcracker has a
drink????? I need to lay down with a cool cloth over my eyes.

Val


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Default Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee: Holiday Cocktail Party

In article >,
wrote:

>>And, yes, I was struck speechless at the sight of the tree. In fact, I'm
>>still having trouble forming coherent sentences.

>
>And for those who haven't seen it yet...
>
>
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhAOYtSB5SE
>
>NB: Not Safe For Work (Unless you don't mind your co-workers rushing to
>your desk to see why you're on the floor gasping for breath)...


I've been incapable of rational thought since seeing the Cocktail Tree. My
brain can't comprehend anyone coming up with that idea. Thanks, Ubi!


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Default Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee: Holiday Cocktail Party

In article <001701c71848$c668b010$07113f84@PERSO>,
wrote:
>
>
>In article >,

>wrote:
>>
>>
>> The holiday season is the best time of the year. It’s
>> where tradition meets modern, especially with Semi-Homemade.
>> Sandra shows you how to create fabulous semi-homemade
>> appetizers and cocktails right in your own kitchen.
>> First up, Blue Cheese with Date Spread. Marmalade
>> Meatballs are sure to be a party pleaser, and the
>> final appetizer is a traditional one, only this time
>> served with a kick–Rock Shrimp with Spicy Creamy
>> Sauce. Then it’s cocktail time! Sandra has three
>> special beverages to get you in the holiday spirit: a
>> Frosty Cocktail, a Candy Cane Cocktail and a Gingerbread
>> Martini. Finally, a special Santa’s Sleigh party favor
>> made with your favorites candies.
>>
>>Holy CRAP, people! We got a classic on our hands here!
>>
>>The more abominable food than usual, her bevy of nutcrakcers to which she
>>all gave names and back-stories ("This is Fredrick. He's French and a school
>>teacher..." ) and of course, last but certainly not least, her "cocktail
>>tree", a Xmas tree with every piece of glassware from her bar wired upside
>>down to the branches and topped by a nutcracker clutching a martini glass
>>filled with his own windex-tini.
>>
>>I am shocked and awed!

>
>Oh, my god. This ep is an instant Klassic. I had to call my husband in from
>the other room twice: when she dragged in the giant, terrifying nutcracker

and
>when she proudly showed off the "cocktail tree." I noticed she didn't natter
>on about how inexpensive her day-cor was; those damn nutcrackers are
>expensive, and I don't even want to think about what the giant one cost.
>
>The meatballs were lifted from a 1960s women's group cookbook - in those
>books, there is always a recipe for sweet and sour meatballs that contains a
>jar of grape jelly and a jar of chili sauce. (I know, it sounds disgusting,
>but they're actually pretty tasty.) Sandra just changed it by using the
>catalina dressing - marmalade mixture. Then she has the nerve to insult my
>heritage again by claiming a Swedish nutcracker is appropriate to "help her"
>serve them. Don't blame the Swedes for those nasty meatballs!


There's also a version closer to Sandra's with apricot jam and Russian
dressing on chicken. I actually made it once, and it smelled a LOT better
cooking than it tasted. Luckily I only screwed up a couple of pieces of
chicken, as I baked the rest of it in a more conventional method.

>Because it can't be said enough - Cocktail Tree! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!


That tree would have been better to leave off the glasses and hang mini-liquor
bottles (full of course) and ornaments made out of Crown Royal bags.




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Default Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee: Holiday Cocktail Party

In article <001701c71848$c668b010$07113f84@PERSO>,
wrote:

>The meatballs were lifted from a 1960s women's group cookbook - in those
>books, there is always a recipe for sweet and sour meatballs that contains a
>jar of grape jelly and a jar of chili sauce. (I know, it sounds disgusting,
>but they're actually pretty tasty.) Sandra just changed it by using the
>catalina dressing - marmalade mixture. Then she has the nerve to insult my
>heritage again by claiming a Swedish nutcracker is appropriate to "help her"
>serve them. Don't blame the Swedes for those nasty meatballs!


Back in the early 60's, every New Year's Eve my mom would make the wonderful
meatballs using a mixture of red currant jelly/chili sauce/ketchup/brown sugar
and it was so wonderful, I wanted to twist Snadra's low slung titty nipples
for screwing with one of my favorite childhood memories - then I remembered
the tree.....and that makes it all better.


>Why would you create table settings for a cocktail party? No one was going to
>be sitting down to the table, everything there was finger food - erm, "food"


I watched the Hearty Boys Sunday morning, preparing a lovely buffet. Not only
did the food look and sound fabulous, they gave tips for decorating the buffet
table. Talk about simple, elegant, and beautiful! Just some pretty fabric with
milk crates underneath to create height. Fresh greens and tree ornaments
tucked in and around the fabric and the wonderful food. No cocktails, no
graham crackers slopped with Royal Icing or cutsey, matchy napkin rings.

What a concept! Keep it simple. There has NEVER been a tablescape by Semi Ho
that I have EVER wanted to duplicate - "it was too much WORK to get everything
done."

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Default Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee: Holiday Cocktail Party

In article >,
Ubiquitous > wrote:

> And for those who haven't seen it yet...
>
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhAOYtSB5SE


OMG! What the ... ?? You know, I don't miss the Raech^h^h^h^h^hFood
Network very often, but _this_ would have been worth the price of
admission. What a train wreck!

sd
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Default Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee: * It's here! *

It's here! The Food Network is here! Now I can watch this horror show
myself

Pete C.
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Default Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee: * It's here! *

Pete C. wrote:
> It's here! The Food Network is here! Now I can watch this horror show
> myself
>
> Pete C.


Lol! Enjoy!

--

"Not so much Monkey Kong as Monkey Voltron..." - Dresden Files


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Default Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee: * It's here! *

In article >,
"Pete C." > wrote:

> It's here! The Food Network is here! Now I can watch this horror show
> myself



It's the show I love to hate. Sometimes I even watch the whole show,
and sometimes I have to turn it off after five minutes.

She wants to show us how to save time, but most shows involve a trip to
the craft store to make her elaborate tablescape. She doesn't buy most
of her food at the store, she just gets it out of her pantry, which is
about the size of my living room.

--
Dan Abel

Petaluma, California, USA
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Default Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee: Holiday Cocktail Party

In article >,
Ravenlynne > wrote:

> Ubiquitous scribbled on the wall in crayon
> :
> > Marmalade Meatballs are sure to be a party pleaser,

>
> NO!!! Not the MEATBALLS!
>
>
> and the
> > final appetizer is a traditional one, only this time
> > served with a kick*Rock Shrimp with Spicy Creamy
> > Sauce.

>
> MMMMM! Spicy creamy sauce!


god that was awful. It in no way was a sauce. It looked like hey were
molting. The shrimp they showed at the beginning and end had NO
relation the the shrimp she actually made.
>
>
> Then it¹s cocktail time! Sandra has three
> > special beverages to get you in the holiday spirit: a
> > Frosty Cocktail, a Candy Cane Cocktail and a Gingerbread
> > Martini. Finally, a special Santa¹s Sleigh party favor
> > made with your favorites candies.

>
> This means yet another choking hazard? crumbled up gingerbread cookies
> IN the martini?


--
Killfile Troy Heagy in all (s)he-its many incarnations now:


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Default Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee: Holiday Cocktail Party

wrote:
> Ravenlynne > wrote:
>> Ubiquitous scribbled on the wall in crayon


>> > Marmalade Meatballs are sure to be a party pleaser,

>>
>> NO!!! Not the MEATBALLS!
>>
>>
>> > and the final appetizer is a traditional one, only this time
>> > served with a kick*Rock Shrimp with Spicy Creamy Sauce.

>>
>> MMMMM! Spicy creamy sauce!

>
>god that was awful. It in no way was a sauce. It looked like hey were
>molting. The shrimp they showed at the beginning and end had NO
>relation the the shrimp she actually made.


Thank goodness for MVH! Were the "money shot" shrimp even fried?

>> > Then it¹s cocktail time! Sandra has three special beverages to get
>> > you in the holiday spirit: a Frosty Cocktail, a Candy Cane Cocktail
>> > and a Gingerbread Martini. Finally, a special Santa¹s Sleigh party
>> > favor made with your favorites candies.

>>
>> This means yet another choking hazard? crumbled up gingerbread cookies
>> IN the martini?


It's not a SLoptail until it has a choking hazzard...

Oh yeah, here's a review I found of this ep:
http://www.thevi.be/2006/12/07/semi-...ndra-lee-holid
ay-cocktail-party/


Twas the night before Christmas, and at Sandra’s house
Were enough potent cocktails to sate any souse
Her barware was hung on the cocktail tree
Topped with a nutcracker as boozed-up as she
The male guests were tossing and turning in bed
As castration nightmares troubled their heads


Those nightmares will inevitably plague viewers as well, considering that
this new episode of “Semi-Homemade” could be subtitled “Balls, and How to
Crack Them.” Incidentally, that would be an excellent name for Sandra’s
future autobiography, which we can assume will be more than just
semi-ghost-written. Until the publication of that epic tell-all, which
will undoubtedly make Kitty Kelly’s Nancy Reagan expose seem as uncritical
as the classic made-for-TV movie The Jesse Ventura Story, we can only
infer. And guess, hope, prey, conjecture, guesstimate, and—perhaps most
importantly—psychoanalyze.

So let’s begin with the first image of the episode: Sandra appears in a
snowy forest wearing tight jeans, UGG boots, and a ribbed arctic white
asymmetrical turtleneck. As fresh snowflakes cascade over her, Sandra
waves her white-gloved hands and screams about how much she loves the
holidays. The holiday time is when “tradition meets modern, especially
with semi-homemade,” according to Sandra.

What would Freud say? Surely the trees represent menacing phalluses, and
the snow is a false attempt to veil them. The white gloves and ribbing on
the sweater symbolize prophylactics, further shielding Sandra from the
phallic thrust of the wildernesscape. The choice to wear UGGs illustrates
Sandra’s failure to embrace recent trends, perhaps caused by a
subconscious withered from decades of alcohol abuse. Finally, her speech’s
attempt to reconcile the present and the past performatively de- and
reconstructs linear temporality.

All of this may seem like nothing more than a shot in the dark, an
arbitrary stab in an arbitrary direction, or a wild thrust of a thick,
hard pole of indeterminacy. And it is, but even those thoughts conjure up
certain images, do they not?

On an unrelated note, in the preview, there are two date chunks on the
cheese ball that look like eyes. The creamy white ball is staring at me.
Is it challenging me to eat it? Is it an expression of sadness at its
savory fate? Or is it happy to end its life causing gastronomic misery,
bloating, anal leakage, and/or weight gain? If you were that ball, what
would you be thinking? These are not rhetorical questions.

Metaphysical queries take hours to sort out (much like peeling pears), so
in the meantime, let’s watch Sandra whip up a batch of marmalade
meatballs. I’ve said it before and I will attempt to never say it again,
but I still wonder whether her alliteration is intentional or not. Perhaps
it is a li’l of both. Anyway, this recipe begins with just a bag of
pre-thawed meatballs. Into your slow cooker I never want you to put frozen
balls, because the balls would explode in a burst of hot passion that
would destroy, if not your house, then certainly your psyche at the very
least. Then onto your balls I want you to pour just some pre-made
marmalade. And why did that last sentence sound like something stolen from
a book of instructions for zoophiles? That was not a rhetorical question.

Sandra’s claims she’ll save the leftover marmalade for breakfast time,
presumably for a citrus blini (don’t correct me; bellinis are served with
caviar!). Because it wouldn’t be breakfast time if it weren’t
simultaneously cocktail time. In fact, the whole holiday time is one
extended cocktail time, and the citrus blini, for me, is the ideal
cocktail for a young professional woman who is going to a breakfast
cocktail party in the holiday time.

But now it’s the salty ball time, which again is not mutually exclusive
with the breakfast, cocktail, or holiday times. Onto her balls Sandra now
adds just a whole bottle of Catalina dressing, which is a li’l sweet, a
li’l tangy, a li’l tomato, a li’l basil; which adds up to a whole lotta
flavor for your balls. Not so much flavor, however, that a li’l more tang
from Worcestershire sauce won’t help. Finally, Sandra sprinkles ref pepper
flakes onto her balls for “a li’l spice.” Seriously, the word li’l is in
this episode more times than you can shake an erect penis at.

Finally the balls are ready, so Sandra pops the sleeve into her slow
cooker and calls it a day. No matter what your interpretation of the
term—and your semiotic mileage may and indeed should vary—you can probably
agree that Sandra has popped a lot of sleeves into her slow cooker(s) over
the years.

While the savory balls cook up, it’s time for the next recipe: creamy
balls. Creamy cheesy balls with dates, to be exact. These sweet
not-so-li’l balls are made from bleu and cream cheeses processed together,
then popped into the refrigerator to freeze until their texture is similar
to gelato. According to Sandra, this should take “a couple three hours.” I
can safely say I have known several couples who could freeze each other’s
balls in less than three hours, but I guess they weren’t average.

Sandra already has a batch of creamy ball mixture frozen in the
refrigerator, and pulls it out along with a “cute li’l Christmas tree”
which she has, through the magic of sorcery, turned into a bunch of basil.
To finish this dish, into the cheese mixture I want you to just form
balls, vigorously roll them, coat them with dates, and present them on a
bed of basil. I would add to be careful not to make date eyes on your
balls, lest guests may feel guilty about eating a metaphorical head of
John the Baptist.

After a commercial break, Sandra begins her rock shrimp in spicy creamy
sauce. Because everything tastes better with a generous squirt of spicy
creamy sauce. Just ask Danielle! A 30-second-long LV explains how Sandra
bought the shrimp in the frozen section of just her regular grocery store
and defrosted them in her own refrigerator. If that doesn’t sound like a
thinly veiled vaginal reference, I don’t know what does! Unlike the
bleeding hole, there isn’t anything innately horrifying about shrimp
coated with tempura batter and deep-fried, but tossing them with mayo,
heavy cream, and Szechwan-style seasoning makes up for that.

After more commercials, the show returns with an image so hilarious and
disturbing, I literally gasped: Sandra, walking into her kitchen, holding
a nutcracker that is larger than her. Seriously, this glittery,
horrifying, six-foot “king nutcracker” is going to haunt my dreams for
ages. The only rational purpose for this thing, aside from scaring away
annoying children, would be as a dummy that you put in your passenger seat
to fend off carjackers, get in the carpool lane, and so on. But this is
Sandra Lee, so **** rationality; “Today is all about nutcrackers!” She can
say that again (perhaps not literally, but still).

The king nutcracker, Sandra explains, will help her in the kitchen and
stand guard “so the kiddies don’t take everything.” In the dark, that
might just work, but I don’t think Brycer would be dissuaded from sneaking
a shot of Smirnoff into his kiddie cocktail otherwise. Unless, of course,
Sandra uses the same dark magic from the basil transformation to bring the
king to life! Anyway, since today is all about nutcrackers, Sandra shows
off a few more anti-nut devices from her surprisingly cosmopolitan
collection. There’s Fredrique from France, the City of Lights; Simon, a
schoolteacher from Germany, the city of beer; and Bjorn, from Norway, the
City of Norwegian Wood. Sandra claims Bjorn will help Sandra serve up the
marmalade meatballs, presumably by squeezing the balls until they explode.
It’s a sad day when Sandra needs help doing that.

And now, a momentous event in the history of linguistics, although one
that was destined to occur sooner or later. Sandra, perhaps inspired by
her “sister” Kimber, has developed a more and more pronounced habit or
rolling her L’s. In this episode, she finally became so excited to get to
the “L” in “delicious” that she llliteralllllly omitted the first two
llllletters of the word, creating a brand new adjective, “licious.” One
might intuit that this means the opposite of “delicious,” in which case it
would be an accurate description of Sandra’s food. Of course, the fact
that Sandra’s usage of non-words is literally more accurate than real ones
is yet another jewel in her anti-grammar diadem.

And, honestly, who needs grammar when you’ve got three licious cocktails?
The first one is really just an attempt for Sandra to demonstrate her
formidable rimming skills once again. The second and third, however, are
phallic master pieces (pun, if not redundancy, intended). The gingerbread
cocktail, which contains enough mismatched liquor to steady Sandra’s
hands, is brilliant for its attention to detail: a gingerbread man
garnish. As Sandra joyfully impales the man’s crotch on the rim of the
glass, she says, “They’re soft so they adhere to the glass perfectly.” As
if that weren’t enough, the candy cane cocktail is garnished with its
namesake phallic stick, and Sandra tells us to pour the milky liquid
“right up to the tip of your candy cane.”

Sandra then says she’s going to “run and change into something a li’l more
comfortable” during the commercial break. Considering her history of
wearing lacy, low-cut, cleavage-baring, boudoir fantasy outfits on her
show, I was afraid she would come back in a skimpy, Santino-inspired
gingerbread lingeriescape. I was almost afraid to look when the show
returned, then almost disappointed by the lumberjack flannel. It was tied
at the waist, but there was an undershirt; it matched her tablescape, but
it didn’t expose any unnecessary flesh. Maybe Sandra was afraid that if
the king nutcracker saw her in a revealing outfit, he might not be able to
resist the urge to ravish her before she could finish her Santa’s sleigh
favors.

What is the point of these favors? Who would spend hours assembling ugly
creations out of after-school children’s’ snacks and frosting? Does she
plan on serving them to adult guests? Or are small children invited to
witness the booze and balls experience? Are these still not rhetorical
questions?

I would have gone on, but I was interrupted Sandra excitedly saying, “Wait
‘til you see my tree-it’s phenomenal.” Boy, was that an understatement. Of
all the crimes against decorating Sandra has committed on her show, the
Cocktail Tree may set a new standard. Sandra claims this is her favorite
holiday tree she’s ever done, which is not hard to believe. Perhaps a
Botox tree, eating disorder paraphernalia tree, and Bruce voodoo doll tree
would come close, but this is Queen Tini we’re talking about, and this
tree is fit for such a queen.

“I’ve taken everything off the bar and hung it right on the tree here,”
Sandra exclaims. I imagine this is an understatement, since “everything”
would include not only what has to be a prodigious amount of barware, but
then multiply that by all the different themes she has the stock to pull
off. However, there are certainly enough various liquor glasses on the
tree to impress the average raging alcoholic. Topping off the tree is
another nutcracker, which sounds like a letdown until you realize he is
holding a martini glass filled to the brim with pure alcohol.

So, this tree is not only stunning in appearance and concept, but if any
pets or people brush against it, or if there is an earthquake or train
nearby or mild disturbance, there will be an explosion of hot lights,
glass, and alcohol! Sandra says her ideas will make your friends and
family thank you for making the holiday season “bright and cheery,” and
she’s certainly right about the “bright” part!

The red plaid and nutcracker theme runs over onto the tablescape, which is
no uglier than you’d expect. However, why would you set up a sit-down
dinner when you’re only serving appetizers and cocktails? “Pass the balls,
Kimber.” “Aunt Sandy Claus needs to go get another gingerbread martini.”
“I think Danielle is choking on balls!” “Why is that ball staring at me?”
“Shut up and listen to the end of Sandy’s special holiday poem!”

Sandra sprang to her sleigh, to her nutcrackers gave a whoot
And rode o’er the rooftops, tossing her loot
I heard her exclaim, ere the show’s final fade
“Keep it phallic, keep it alcoholic, and always remember to keep it
semi-homemade!”


--
WARNING!!!
Use of these recipes may be hazardous to your health, food budget,
standing in your community and liver function. Use at your own risk!! We
assume no liability from any illness or injury sustained while eating the
"food" or being exposed to crapass tablescapes. And no, we're not sure
where she grew up either. The Cordon Bleu disavows any knowlege of Miss
Lee.


  #24 (permalink)   Report Post  
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Default Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee: Holiday Cocktail Party

wrote:
wrote:


>>>And, yes, I was struck speechless at the sight of the tree. In fact, I'm
>>>still having trouble forming coherent sentences.

>>
>>And for those who haven't seen it yet...
>>
>>
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhAOYtSB5SE
>>
>>NB: Not Safe For Work (Unless you don't mind your co-workers rushing to
>>your desk to see why you're on the floor gasping for breath)...

>
>I've been incapable of rational thought since seeing the Cocktail Tree. My
>brain can't comprehend anyone coming up with that idea. Thanks, Ubi!


You're very welcome! Here's a blog I found on this ep:
http://belniente.blogspot.com/2006/1...she-didnt.html

--
It is simply breathtaking to watch the glee and abandon with which
the liberal media and the Angry Left have been attempting to turn
our military victory in Iraq into a second Vietnam quagmire. Too bad
for them, it's failing.

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