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wrote:
> I just killed my husband. I drove a kitchen knife through his heart.
> Now I want to cook him. I already removed the heart. What do I do
> next?
>
> Mrs. Goulder

The best way I know to cook a whole human is rotisserie.

First, cut off the head. Take it to your taxidermist. Depending on the
method of death, it may be suitable for mounting.

You've already removed the heart, so I am going to assume that the
chest cavity is open. Remove the remaining organs and entrails. Some
people will save these for other dishes, but I never developed a taste
and usually discard unless a friend or relative requests them. Fill the
chest cavity with halved lemons, oranges, and apples. Close and secure
with metal skewers.

In your back yard, dig a shallow hole about three feet by six feet,
about six to twelve inches deep. Pile it with wood and burn it. You
want the fire to burn all the way down to coals.

Next, spit your husband. This may take two people. Insert the spit into
the anus and slide all the way out the top of the neck. The arms can be
removed or secured to the sides of the body with metal skewers. Tie the
feet to the spit with twine, or again, secure with metal skewers.
Skewers are best here, but can be a bit tricky if you've never done
it before.

Position the spit two to three feet above the coals and keep it moving.
You can employ neighborhood children for this, or just use an electric
rotisserie motor. You will want to keep a fire burning close by and
transfer the coals to the pit. Baste every thirty minutes with a brine
made from one gallon of apple juice to one cup of salt.

After about eight to ten hours, you can begin testing for doneness.
Pierce with a fork. When the juices run clear, you're done.

Enjoy.