To the writers, directors and producers of B horror flicks:

Dear Guys,

I do understand that enjoying your movies requires a certain willingness
to accept absurd premises. For example, the apparent inability to dial
911. But there is a certain vignette that has cropped up with
increasing frequency in recent years that makes it difficult to suspend
disbelief and relax into the experience. I am speaking, specifically,
of the "girl on girl" make-out scene.

First off, a review of Female Sex Drive 101... Surely some of you are
or have been in a relationship with a female? Any recollection of the
effect of stress on the feminine libido? Have you ever come on to a
woman facing a final exam, a performance review, or who is caring for a
sick child? How'd that work out for you? Never mind being chased by
monsters... But we'll set that aside, like the whole "call 911" thing.

Even assuming that a woman under duress would be comforted by sexual
advances, most of us are straight. Not bisexual or even "bi-curious",
just plain vanilla straight. We like dudes. We would be as likely to
make out with the family pet as with another woman (go ahead, ask my
border collie, Scully, what happens when she tries to french kiss me).
I guarantee the reaction would fall somewhere along the continuum
ranging from "Excuse me, I think you've mistaken me for someone else",
to "WTF!? Are you nuts?", to <brisk attempt to push the importunate
female's nose out through the back of her skull>.

Yes, I know, the notion makes your winkies waggle. And maybe watching a
cute guy succumb, hesitantly, awkwardly, but with increasing enthusiasm,
to the advances of a male hottie while under ridiculously dangerous
circumstances might be titillating. But I couldn't say for sure 'CAUSE
I'VE NEVER SEEN IT!

Turn about is fair play, gentlemen.

On behalf of your straight female fan base,

Kathleen