Subject: Irish jokes
*
Paddy, the famous Irishman, is driving home after downing a few at the
local pub. He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in
the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost too late
realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path.

He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a
slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the
trees.

Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to
a stop. The officer approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he
was doing. Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the
officer stops him mid sentence and says,**
*
"Fer crissakes, Paddy, that's yer air freshener!"**
*
********************
*
An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint
of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz
down and one lands in each of the pints.

The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another
pint.

The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The
Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers
and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya little *******! Spit it
out!"**
*
*********************************************
*
An Irish Fight
*
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run
over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is
cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little sod, O'Conner," says Sean, "he couldn't do that to you, he
must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have
something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty
it was, but useless in a fight."**
*
******************************************
*
Irish Miracle**
*
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the
city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the
road. A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"**
*
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.**
*
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink
this evening."**
*
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.**
*
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and holding his arms
across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of
your car?"**
*
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd
gone deaf."**
*
***********************************************
*
Irish Predicament**
*
Drunk, Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a
Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the Ole just sits
there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side
either.**
*
**************************************************
*
Irish Last Request**
*
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning
service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary, my
dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away
last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any
last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'"**
--
Peace, Om.

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -Jack Nicholson

Om forwarded a bunch of Irish jokes, but omitted my favorite:

Seamus O'Flanagan was bicycling home after a night carousing at the pub. He
had a song in his heart and a flask in his breast pocket. Full of puckish
whimsy, he executed a few zig-zags and other acrobatics with the bike, but
on one particularly tricky maneuver, the front tire of his bicycle hit a
loose rock, and after skidding out of control briefly, Seamus ended up on
his back in the ditch.

It took a few moments for him to get his bearings, but when his
consciousness began returning Seaumus felt a liquid running down his ribs.
Remembering the flask, he cried out, "Oh God, I hope that's blood!"

Bob

loved ur jokes

"honey and lime" wrote in
oups.com:

loved ur jokes


My ONLY Irish joke (try this standing in the middle of an Irish bar on
St. Pantrick's day and announce "I have an Irish joke"). All Irish eyes
narrow, the bar quiets down and darts get pointed in my direction as I
ask:

Q: Why is Ireland the richest country in the world?

Crowd ready to attack...

A: Becuase it's capital is always Dublin.

I've had everything from friendly punches to pity groans to kisses on the
cheek to free beers but no darts and mostly a loud round of laughter
after the delay of the punchline sinks in and it's back to business as
usual, only I had more friends than I had before I told the joke.

TRUE.

Andy

In article .com,
"honey and lime" wrote:

loved ur jokes


:-)
--
Peace, Om.

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -Jack Nicholson

In article ,
"Bob Terwilliger" wrote:

Om forwarded a bunch of Irish jokes, but omitted my favorite:

Seamus O'Flanagan was bicycling home after a night carousing at the pub. He
had a song in his heart and a flask in his breast pocket. Full of puckish
whimsy, he executed a few zig-zags and other acrobatics with the bike, but
on one particularly tricky maneuver, the front tire of his bicycle hit a
loose rock, and after skidding out of control briefly, Seamus ended up on
his back in the ditch.

It took a few moments for him to get his bearings, but when his
consciousness began returning Seaumus felt a liquid running down his ribs.
Remembering the flask, he cried out, "Oh God, I hope that's blood!"

Bob



lol
--
Peace, Om.

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -Jack Nicholson

In article , Andy q wrote:

"honey and lime" wrote in
oups.com:

loved ur jokes


My ONLY Irish joke (try this standing in the middle of an Irish bar on
St. Pantrick's day and announce "I have an Irish joke"). All Irish eyes
narrow, the bar quiets down and darts get pointed in my direction as I
ask:

Q: Why is Ireland the richest country in the world?

Crowd ready to attack...

A: Becuase it's capital is always Dublin.

I've had everything from friendly punches to pity groans to kisses on the
cheek to free beers but no darts and mostly a loud round of laughter
after the delay of the punchline sinks in and it's back to business as
usual, only I had more friends than I had before I told the joke.

TRUE.

Andy



Took me a minute, then I got a chuckle out of it too! ;-D

hugs!
--
Peace, Om.

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -Jack Nicholson

On 2006-03-17, OmManiPadmeOmelet wrote:
Subject: Irish jokes

Here's mine:

Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from
a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one
of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie
would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the
castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated
that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the
entire ocean into beer!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the
entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on
the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.

One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now
we're going to have to **** in the boat."


nb

OmManiPadmeOmelet wrote:

In article .com,
"honey and lime" wrote:


loved ur jokes



:-)

Om, I've kept DH laughing today by calling him at the office and telling
him one of your jokes. Between usenet, foodtv, and calling him it has
been a pleasant way to spend the day Thanks!

In article ,
"Michael \"Dog3\" Lonergan" wrote:

OmManiPadmeOmelet hitched up their panties and
posted :

Subject: Irish jokes

I'm Irish. However, I DO find Irish jokes funny.

Michael

How Irish am I???

My real name is "Kathleen McCarty".

Can't get much more Irish than that. ;-)
--
Peace, Om.

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -Jack Nicholson

In article ,
notbob wrote:

Subject: Irish jokes

Here's mine:

Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from
a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one
of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie
would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the
castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated
that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the
entire ocean into beer!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the
entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on
the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.

One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now
we're going to have to **** in the boat."


nb

Hee! Don't know why, but that one had me ROFL!!!
Probably because it was so delightfully bad... ;-D
--
Peace, Om.

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -Jack Nicholson

In article ,
~patches~ wrote:

OmManiPadmeOmelet wrote:

In article .com,
"honey and lime" wrote:


loved ur jokes



:-)

Om, I've kept DH laughing today by calling him at the office and telling
him one of your jokes. Between usenet, foodtv, and calling him it has
been a pleasant way to spend the day Thanks!

Most welcome luv! ;-D

Cheers!
--
Peace, Om.

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -Jack Nicholson

Andy wrote:



My ONLY Irish joke (try this standing in the middle of an Irish bar on
St. Pantrick's day and announce "I have an Irish joke"). All Irish eyes
narrow, the bar quiets down and darts get pointed in my direction as I
ask:

Q: Why is Ireland the richest country in the world?

Crowd ready to attack...

A: Becuase it's capital is always Dublin.

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?

















One less drunk.

:-)

notbob wrote:

On 2006-03-17, OmManiPadmeOmelet wrote:

Subject: Irish jokes


Here's mine:

Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from
a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one
of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie
would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the
castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated
that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the
entire ocean into beer!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the
entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on
the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.

One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now
we're going to have to **** in the boat."


nb

Now this is funny!!!!

In article ,
~patches~ wrote:

notbob wrote:

On 2006-03-17, OmManiPadmeOmelet wrote:

Subject: Irish jokes


Here's mine:

Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from
a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one
of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie
would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the
castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated
that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the
entire ocean into beer!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the
entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on
the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.

One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now
we're going to have to **** in the boat."


nb

Now this is funny!!!!

I passed it on too...... ;-D
--
Peace, Om.

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -Jack Nicholson