General Cooking (rec.food.cooking) For general food and cooking discussion. Foods of all kinds, food procurement, cooking methods and techniques, eating, etc.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
  #1 (permalink)   Report Post  
JeanineAlyse
 
Posts: n/a
Default Texas Chili...Joke

This has likely been posted here before, but I couldn't resist....

Texas Chili
===========
If you can read the whole story without tears of laughter running down
your cheeks then there may be no hope for you.

NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those
of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town.
It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The
notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to
be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the
Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili Judge # 1 -- A little too
heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth, tomato
flavor. Very mild Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy ****, what the hell is this
stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two
beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans
are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of
pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs
more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the
reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides
pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich
maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my
face.

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili Judge # 1 -- Excellent
firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge # 2 -- A bean less
chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've
located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite.
Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of
my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer.

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost
no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans.
Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge
# 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally was standing
behind me with fresh refills. That 300-pound barmaid is starting to
look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili.
Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more
tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really ****es me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold
vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now like a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried
it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except Sally.
Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan's screaming Sensation Chili Judge # 1 -- A mediocre
chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum,
tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the
last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He
appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slide unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like **** to
match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed
me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it; I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 Tommy's Toenail Curling Chili Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending,
this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare
its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili.
Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
# 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd
have reacted to really hot chili.

  #2 (permalink)   Report Post  
~patches~
 
Posts: n/a
Default

JeanineAlyse wrote:

> This has likely been posted here before, but I couldn't resist....
>
> Texas Chili
> ===========
> If you can read the whole story without tears of laughter running down
>

<snip>

I busted myself and then some laughing on this one. Thanks for the
chuckle.
Reply
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules

Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
A Chili Story (joke) Virginia Tadrzynski[_2_] General Cooking 18 16-04-2010 10:09 PM
Texas Red Chili Janet Wilder[_2_] Recipes (moderated) 0 12-02-2008 03:13 AM
Joke Du Jour, on topic, Texas Chili Cookoff OmManiPadmeOmelet General Cooking 13 23-03-2006 08:51 PM
Texas Chili Tim Recipes 0 26-12-2005 01:40 PM
Texas Red Chili A1 WBarfieldsr Recipes (moderated) 0 05-10-2003 01:26 PM


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 06:57 AM.

Powered by vBulletin® Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright ©2004-2024 FoodBanter.com.
The comments are property of their posters.
 

About Us

"It's about Food and drink"