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FOOD AND WHINE

The great divide

Going out with a group is great until it's time to pay up. We asked experts
how to solve that dining dilemma: Splitting the check


By Monica Eng
Tribune staff reporter

April 30, 2004

Once a month, in the bottom left-hand corner of this page, we get to vent
spleen and share tasty tips on a variety of vexing dining topics. But some
issues are so thorny that they can't be handled in a few paragraphs. One of
the thorniest: splitting the check.

We've all had that awkward moment at the end of a group meal when the check
hits the table with a quiet thud and no one wants to touch it because they
know that a) it's going to involve math and b) its going to mean making some
touchy decisions for the rest of the group.

Some people insist on always splitting evenly; others like to calculate who
owes what down to the penny. Still others, like some Venezuelan friends of
mine, are horrified at the idea that anyone would "haggle over money" at the
dinner table. "Someone just quietly takes care of it and if there is money
to be repaid, we can talk about it later outside of the restaurant," my
friend tells me.

Since this issue can be so complex, we decided to ask etiquette experts,
diners and waiters for their views on the subject. While they didn't agree,
most did conclude that common sense should prevail.

First, we consulted Jeanne Hamilton, creator of EtiquetteHell.com, a Web
site that navigates the world of good and bad manners. She helped guide us
through the many rings of the check splitting purgatory.

When to split the restaurant check evenly: "If, how and when the check is
split is dependent on the relationships of the diners to each other or the
event being celebrated," Hamilton says. "Co-workers treating the secretary
to lunch for Secretary's Day or having a going-away dinner for a departing
colleague should evenly split the bill, making sure to cover the cost of the
honoree's meal."

When the contributions should differ: "I would call this appealing to
others' sense of fairness," Hamilton says. "It simply isn't fair to have the
light eaters subsidizing the huge appetites of more robust eaters. If you
know you enjoy a 16-ounce prime rib, either deny yourself or restrain
yourself in group dining situations so that the expense of your culinary
extremes is not equally shared by your dining companions. You can always
enjoy that prime rib later with no guilt feelings.

"Lightweight eaters may discover that confronting a meal pig has the
potential of flopping flat as a crepe. In those situations, whining
repetitively is more damaging to your reputation than forking over more cash
than you anticipated spending or think is fair given how much you ate. Suck
it up, pay your share and then resolve to never, ever get yourself into one
of these dining wealth redistribution schemes again."

When to have separate checks: "When it is mutually agreed upon by all
diners," Hamilton says. "Sometimes separate checks makes life so darn easy
for everyone." But we should note that this doesn't make it easier for
waiters--especially when your party is larger than four people.

When to just pay the whole thing yourself: "Anytime you issue an invitation
for someone to dine with you, they will have an expectation that you are
treating," she says. "[Also,] when you know that disagreement over the bill
may cause embarrassment to others. Sometimes it's just kind to shell out
some extra money for the preservation of relationships. When professional
courtesy dictates it . . . such as a salesman trying to land an account who
takes a prospective client to lunch. [Or when] you want to bless a friend
who you know will someday reciprocate in kind for you, too."

How many times to insist on paying yourself when someone else volunteers to
pay: Hamilton says: "Once. If they decline the offer, express appreciation
for the meal and their very kind offer to treat you to dinner. And be sure
to write a thank-you note and mail it immediately upon coming home."

Hamilton's expert advice covers a lot of ground, but readers also wrote in
with their two cents.

Ken Catalanotte of Chicago belongs to a dining club, but he says they have
never confronted the issue, and he thinks it's time they did: "Most of us
have one entree, a drink or two, [but] some have much more. To be honest, I
don't think it's fair to split the cost [evenly]. If you have way more than
everybody else, then you need to put in more money or have a separate tab. .
.. . Maybe that makes me impolite, but I'm being honest."

Karen Kennedy of La Grange was a server in the Chicago area for more than a
decade but is now just an avid diner. She has a different view: "When out
with large parties, we split the bill evenly among all of us because when it
comes down to it, the variances are typically so small (usually under $5 per
person). Even when considering those who imbibe and those who partake of
desserts, or not, it's ridiculous to expend the energy to split things on a
more precise basis."

Joyce Oakal of Elmhurst notes that it makes it easier to collectively pay a
fellow diner who charges the whole thing rather than ask for separate change
from the server: "We go out with friends on a regular basis. One person
takes the check at the end of the meal and divides it evenly either per
couple or per person. Usually that person charges the whole tab and we all
pay him. ... It's too petty to worry about whether someone had an extra
drink or dessert."

Peter Tyksins of Chicago, who regularly sups with a half-Japanese and
half-American group of diners, writes of navigating potential cultural
landmines and solving the tricky tip issue with clear rules and one "hard
guy or gal": "It's always fun (!) when the bill comes. As you probably know,
the Japanese are in the habit of dividing the bill equally based on the
number of diners and regardless of who ate what. The Americans detest this
practice. After a rocky start (and coming up short on a couple of bills),
we've adopted the American method of paying for what you've ordered--and
adding a 20 percent tip. One must step gingerly when another orders a $15
entree, drinks the table's beer, and then kicks in a deficient $20. But I
think it's important that somebody play the hard guy or gal and remind
everybody to kick in extra for the tip."

So it seems that the bottom line is that you have to read the group. If you
are dining with your siblings, you can feel freer to ask your martini- and
lobster-loving brother to cough up a few extra bucks at the end of the meal.
But when you are out with colleagues, it is often better to be polite and
discreet and sometimes eat the extra charge. In any case, clear rules, a
sense of fairness and at least one person at the table with a good grasp of
division and percentages can really help things. And don't forget to tip
your waitress!

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Copyright © 2004, Chicago Tribune


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