This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to
find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. This won first prize.

Christmas With Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill
them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true
because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were
overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses
and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those
things at Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only
confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, What does this
do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that? Finally, I made it to the
inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also
substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane
during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many
different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box,
could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled
for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise
came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee
morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling
pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies
and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went
home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his
house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the
dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and
bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the
rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the
traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
What the hell is that? she asked.

My brother quickly explained, It's a doll.

Who would play with something like that? Granny snapped.

I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

Where are her clothes? Granny continued.

Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,Jay said, to steer her into
dining room.

But Granny was relentless. Why doesn't she have any teeth?

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and
no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, Hang on
Granny, hang on!

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up
to me and said, Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?

I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to
Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we
realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had
died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made
a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched
from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in
front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and
Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and
wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in
the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to
decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had
suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored
her to perfect health!


--
Sharpening Made Easy: A Primer on Sharpening Knives and Other Edged
Tools by Steve Bottorff Copyright January 2002 Knife World Publications
www.sharpeningmadeeasy.com
E-mail: steve AT sharpeningmadeeasy DOT com

On Fri, 02 Jan 2004 15:05:47 GMT, Steve B
wrote:

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to
find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. This won first prize.

Christmas With Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill
them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true
because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were
overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses
and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those
things at Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only
confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, What does this
do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that? Finally, I made it to the
inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also
substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane
during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many
different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box,
could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled
for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise
came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee
morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling
pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies
and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went
home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his
house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the
dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and
bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the
rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the
traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
What the hell is that? she asked.

My brother quickly explained, It's a doll.

Who would play with something like that? Granny snapped.

I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

Where are her clothes? Granny continued.

Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,Jay said, to steer her into
dining room.

But Granny was relentless. Why doesn't she have any teeth?

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and
no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, Hang on
Granny, hang on!

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up
to me and said, Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?

I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to
Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we
realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had
died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made
a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched
from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in
front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and
Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and
wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in
the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to
decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had
suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored
her to perfect health!


Hilarious! I think I ruined my keyboard! You should be published

Harry

Ahem! Sorry, Harry, but I think it was already published! I read it in the
Loisville Sentinel. I agree with the 'hilarious' however and have added it
to the Christmas 'list'.

Robin (from the capital)

"Harry Demidavicius" wrote in message
...
On Fri, 02 Jan 2004 15:05:47 GMT, Steve B
wrote:

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to
find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. This won first prize.

snip


Hilarious! I think I ruined my keyboard! You should be published

Harry