I'm taking him a thank-you gift of a
bottle of wine in a nice wine box. Nothing wrong with that.

It can still be an annoyance if it's a wine he knows he won't like. Then he
will be put through the paces of drinking it and expressing his appreciation to
you for it.

I agree that the convention of guests bringing gifts is cumbersome (I am
especially annoyed when guests bring wine, expecting me to serve it with the
meal), but it's important enough to some guests that hosts should suffer
through it.

Neil

If "polite" means I must bring a gift (I am poor), then my
"politeness" must take the form of refusal.

Why not just write your hostess of poem? It's how Martial and Ben Jonson
filled this obligation?

On Sun, 23 Nov 2003 08:24:59 -0600, Melba's Jammin'
wrote:

In article ,
(DJS0302) wrote:

You don't have to "pay" us some sort of reward in order to be
invited in. The only thing I ask is that you reciprocate the
invitation.

So there IS a cost to an invitation to your home.

Funny how some people don't see what is obvious to others.

I don't entertain very much at all, though when I do, it's often people
whom I know can't really afford to be buying anything or bringing anything,
so if they don't, I don't mind at all. I do invite them for their company
and so I can feed them (I *love* feeding people up, it's always been one
way we showed love in our family).

I feel a little twinge if they go get me something because I worry for
their situation, but, by the same token, I am gracious, I say thank you,
and usually serve it with whatever we're having if it is appropriate. The
twinge is more just concern that they're doing themselves out of something
that would help them for the sake of a point of etiquette that isn't
especially important to me. But I never say anything or make my worry
visible.

In the last 10 years I can remember about three invitations to visit other
people (we don't have a real "social" set of friends, though we do have a
group of people who come over every Sunday to game, and we feed them each
week, but one couple brings dessert every week, and the bachelor buys the
drinks). We're sorta hermits.

--
Siobhan Perricone
"Who would have thought that a bad Austrian artist who's obsessed with the human physical ideal could assemble such a rabid political following?"
- www.theonion.com

In article ,
ospam (DJS0302) wrote:

Okay I'm one of these people who's always questioning everything but
why do people feel they need to bring a gift with them when you
invite them to your house for dinner? I always want to tell people
we wouldn't invite you if we didn't want your company. You don't
have to "pay" us some sort of reward in order to be invited in. The
only thing I ask is that you reciprocate the invitation.

Not everyone feels a need to bring a gift with them, nor does everyone
do it. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. If I do, it is VERY likely
to be a jar or two of homemade jam or jelly. (What a surprise!)
It's called a "hostess gift." A small little something that's maybe a
gesture of appreciation to be invited to be in your company. A little
treat--not a big deal. I didn't have any luck searching for its origins
but I didn't try very hard, either. Maybe you'll have better luck at
it. In some cultures, flowers are the thing to bring (a small bouquet
or a couple nice stems). I've received small flowering plants (maybe $5
at the supermarket--whatever might be seasonal) from the folks who know
I love flowers. I've received small food gifts -- a box of nuts or
mints; a bottle of wine. If it's food, I feel no obligation to serve it
(perhaps I should?). If it's flowers, I enjoy them immensely for as
long as they last and thing wonderful thoughts about the gift and its
giver and make a note to be sure to invite them over again. "-)

I grabbed this from www.thirdage.com:
"Online Advice for Gift Giving
Packing for a summer trip to visit family or friends? Don't forget to
include something for your host or hostess. The possibilities are
endless, but the goal is the same -- to please the recipient.
Etiquette expert Letitia Baldrige advises that showing someone they're
worthy of your thought makes them feel special. And that good feeling
may bring you another invitation next summer. A thank you note is
essential."

Miss Manners says to not bring anything that suggests that it is
supposed to be consumed or otherwise immediately enjoyed -- don't screw
with with the hostess' menu. If you bring me some flowers, please don't
include a vase -- I could open my open vase shop.
--
-Barb
www.jamlady.eboard.com
"If you're ever in a jam, here I am."

WardNA wrote:
I'm taking him a thank-you gift of a
bottle of wine in a nice wine box. Nothing wrong with that.

It can still be an annoyance if it's a wine he knows he won't like.
Then he will be put through the paces of drinking it and expressing
his appreciation to you for it.

(snip)
Neil

In this case, I'm bringing wine which has a point and frankly I don't care
if he likes it. He made my last Thanksgiving miserable, being critical all
day long. So I'm taking this wine in a lovely wooden box with brass
fittings. And the wine is a French Chardonnay called FAT *******.

If he misses the inference, too bad. ROFL

Jill (his not fat sister)

It can still be an annoyance if it's a wine he knows he won't like.
Then he will be put through the paces of drinking it and expressing
his appreciation to you for it.

(snip)
Neil

In this case, I'm bringing wine which has a point and frankly I don't care
if he likes it. He made my last Thanksgiving miserable, being critical all
day long. So I'm taking this wine in a lovely wooden box with brass
fittings. And the wine is a French Chardonnay called FAT *******.

If he misses the inference, too bad. ROFL

Now you're making sense. I'm glad you've developed a complex semiotics of
gift-giving.

On 23 Nov 2003 04:49:29 GMT, DJS0302 wrote:

Okay I'm one of these people who's always questioning everything but why do
people feel they need to bring a gift with them when you invite them to your
house for dinner? I always want to tell people we wouldn't invite you if we
didn't want your company. You don't have to "pay" us some sort of reward in
order to be invited in. The only thing I ask is that you reciprocate the
invitation.

For a sit down dinner, I will always either bring flowers or a bottle of
wine. For a barbeque some extra beer.

in article , DJS0302 at
ospam wrote on 11/23/03 12:13 AM:

It's not a "reward", it's a thank-you gift.

Miche

But still why do they feel they need to bring a gift? A verbal thank-you is
enough for me or if they want they can be a little more formal and send a
thank-you note.

Somewhere along the line they were taught about "hostess gifts".

If these are elaborate, expensive gifts, I would understand your balking.
But generally, hostess gifts are bottles of wine, or boxes of
chocolates....usually nothing big.

Just smile and graciously accept the gift in the spirit it was given.
If you don't like it or can't use it, re-gift it. Bring it someplace next
time you're invited somewhere.

The ideal hostess gift is something consumable. That way, you don't expect
to see it next time you're there, and whether they consumed it or passed it
along to someone else, you need never know.

If you really are offended by the gifts your friends give you, then next
time, as they are giving it to you (NOT before the event, that's really
tacky!) tell them, nicely, "Oh you really shouldn't have!" and mean it.
Maybe, if you get your point across, they will heed your request next time
and not bring you anything.

"WardNA" wrote in message
...
(I am
especially annoyed when guests bring wine, expecting me to serve it with
the
meal),

I absolutely agree with that, and I do not expect or want my hosts to open a
bottle I bring them on that occasion. It's good for the wine to rest, it's
likely not at the right temperature, and the host for any invitation I'd
accept has already chosen the drink to go with what is being served.
Chocolates, on the other hand..........................

zxcvbob wrote:

Yes. Just a token of your appreciation for the invitation, and should not
be anything particularly valuable. I've been told that flowers are
appropriate, but *not* roses. Wife says I shouldn't take roses as a
hostess gift even when roses are on sale cheap. Women are weird sometimes,
especially about roses.

I think they're kinda serious for the occasion, maybe that's why.
Anyway, showing up with flowers without a vase is not considered
appropriate, because now the host or hostess has to run around
finding a vase, getting them in water, when they problably have
other things to do like greet their guests and get dinner on the
table.

nancy

"DJS0302" wrote in message
...
Okay I'm one of these people who's always questioning everything but why
do
people feel they need to bring a gift with them when you invite them to
your
house for dinner? I always want to tell people we wouldn't invite you if
we
didn't want your company. You don't have to "pay" us some sort of reward
in
order to be invited in. The only thing I ask is that you reciprocate the
invitation.

Technically, it is poor etiquette to expect anything, including a reciprocal
invitation. Theoretically, you are inviting them because you enjoy their
company. They are bringing a gift as a token of their friendship and their
appreciation for the meal that you have provided.

Melba's Jammin' wrote:

In article ,
ospam (DJS0302) wrote:

You don't have to "pay" us some sort of reward in order to be
invited in. The only thing I ask is that you reciprocate the
invitation.

So there IS a cost to an invitation to your home.

I find the issue of reciprocity to be far more burdensome than
bringing a gift. I feel that my job as a guest is to try to be
interesting or amusing, whatever. Not sit there, like great, now
I have to make as good appetizers as they did, etc. Just want
to have a good time, not be like I'm creating a debt I will later
have to pay.

nancy

Z GIRL wrote:

It is a small Thank you out of appreciation for the invitation to dine with
you. I always take a gift when invited to a friends or family house for
dinner.

I always take a nice bottle of wine, even when I go to my mother's for dinner.
She does the same. She does not drink wine herself but always serves it to
guests, though I sometimes get back the same wine that I took. It is not
exactly the same bottle because she figures that if I bought that type of wine
I must like it.

WardNA wrote:


I agree that the convention of guests bringing gifts is cumbersome (I am
especially annoyed when guests bring wine, expecting me to serve it with the
meal), but it's important enough to some guests that hosts should suffer
through it.

It is a gift. There is no obligation to serve guests the wine that they brought. I
have a few friends who are into wine in a big way and who have insisted that I put
it away for another time.

WardNA wrote:

If "polite" means I must bring a gift (I am poor), then my
"politeness" must take the form of refusal.

Why not just write your hostess of poem? It's how Martial and Ben Jonson
filled this obligation?

That would be a good idea if you were a famous poet. Otherwise, it would make
you look like a cheapskate.