"Bob Terwilliger" wrote in message
...
Serene wrote:

There's no need to give excuses, especially ones that are easily seen
through. It's fine just to say, "Oh, sorry, we won't be able to make
it
(or "we have other plans that night"). Have a wonderful time!"

But that *is* an easy-to-reveal excuse unless you plan to abandon your
house that evening simply to avoid being caught in a lie.

Nonsense. "We have other plans" doesn't say whether the plans are outside
or inside your home. It's not a lie at all, even if your only other
plans
are to be as far from that party as possible.

Mendacity. "We have other plans," while vague enough to TECHNICALLY mean
very little, in context implies that you have some SPECIAL plans for the
evening involving something other than sitting around the house. If the
hostess finds that you were staying at home that evening, and that's what
your "other plans" were, don't you think she'd be insulted?



Bob

If someone invites you to provide $200 worth of food and wine for their
dinner party and you decline saying you have "other plans" and then don't
leave the house and the hostess is insulted where's the downside? If she's
insulted she won't be inviting you to provide for her dinner parties any
longer.


Ms P

"Lou Decruss" wrote in message
news
On Fri, 30 May 2008 21:41:38 -0400, "Nancy Young"
wrote:


"aem" wrote

On May 30, 5:50 pm, "Nancy Young" wrote:

You hear stories like this and every time you do it's just as
incredible. Okay, I think asking to bring the main course is
weird, but maybe if she'd offered to pay for it? Still. But then,
telling her what wines to bring?? Hello, pick it up yourself, that
takes no skill!

Stories like this are confusing. At first glance they may seem
outrageous, but there can be mitigating circumstances. For one thing,
"lovely home in a nice neighborhood" may mean they all have plenty of
money and $200 as the cost of contributing to a special party for her
husband may seem insignificant to the chef's wife. For another, wives
sometimes misjudge how close the friendship is between their husbands
and third parties. She may have thought they were close enough that
they'd welcome a big role in this surprise party.

And when that didn't work out, she thought the other neighbor was
close enough to welcome that role?

I've seen crazy stories like this before. People throwing a party in
a restaurant, then when it was over, dividing the bill among the
surprised "guests" ... things like that.

I wouldn't pay anything if it was an invited party, and it would end
the friendship.

I have a family member who threw a birthday party for one of the kids
at a pizza joint. The kid got at least 2 grand in cash and gifts.
$100 from me. When the bill came, family member complained how
expensive it was having kids and these parties, and mentioned the bill
was $196. Was I supposed to "pitch in" for the 2 beers and piece of
pizza I already paid $100 for? A few weeks later the family members
wife was complaining about people who give checks and gift
certificates rather than cash because she has to run the kids around
to take care of things. That was the last birthday party we went to
and we don't send gifts to their kids either. Unfortunately idiots
sometimes reside in your own family. My/our friends would never be
so tacky as we've chosen them well.

Lou

I know, the family ones are the worst. Had a SIL who, if you purchased
something for her kids, would, in the middle of the festivities, ask for the
receipt, so as she so bluntly put it.....'could take it back for the cash'
and then announce that SHE would keep the cash as the kids would be too
irresponsible to handle it and after all it did cost CASH MONEY to raise the
little ingrates. We have been 'busy' since that time whenever we are
invited to this 'family' do.
-ginny

On May 30, 7:51�pm, Dave Smith wrote:
I have a friend who is �a wonderful kind woman, not much of a cook, but
really nice, and lives in a lovely home in a nice neighbourhood. One of
her neighbour's is a chef. The chef's wife called and invited her and
her husband to a party for her chef husband. Our friend and the chef
family had been to a party at my brother's where my nephew had cooked a
quick roasted beef tenderloin fir a short time in a very hot oven.

Chef's wife extended this invitation to my friend and asked if she could
bring that dish. She also asked her to bring two bottles of wine, one
red and one white. She specified which wines. �Then chef's wife asked
her to bring enough of the meat dish for 20. The date of the party is
also our friend's birthday.

Current prices for a whole beef tenderloin around her are about $80. The
wines turn out to be $20 a piece. My friend was not thrilled. She
discussed it with her husband, who said screw that we'll have our own
party her for that money. She called back the chef's wife, clarified the
date..... ooops sorry. I didn't know that my husband had planned a party
for me here on that night so sorry, but we can't make it.

The next day she got a call from another neighbour asking if she was
attending the party. �Our friend said they had been invited but could
not attend because her husband was having a party for her. It seems that
� chef's wife had called the other neighbour after our friend canceled
and asked her to bring the two beef tenderloins... and two bottles of
wine. �So our friend asked the other neighbour if she was going....... no
way !!

I have to hand to to our friend that she was able to find a nice way to
decline the invitation. �I am not sure how I would react to an
"invitation to a party" that is going to cost me $200. I have no problem
with a pot luck, but being expected to supply beef tenderloin for 20
people plus $40 worth of wine is a bit much, IMHO.

Gee, if they can't afford beef tenderloin I would strongly suggest
they change their menu to tube steak.

What's to think... when I host a party I pay, not my invited guests...
they can bring a host gift if they choose but not something they
expect me to serve, it won't happen unless it's flowers. When I host
a dinner I pay for everything, I make the menu, I prepare everything
and no one helps, in fact I permit no one to enter my kitchen while
its in operation. I stipulate to every guest as one of the provisions
of their invite is that they are not to bring any viands they expect
me to serve... they ain't gonna fercockt up my menu.

I make exceptions for cook-outs... then I permit guests to bring their
own steak and grill it themself, in fact I prefer folks bring and
grill their own steak, then they are responsible for how it's cooked
and tastes... but I don't let guests grill steaks I paid for (not even
tube steak). And don't bring chicken or pork or fish or lamb or any
weirdness to my beef steak fest unless you bring your own grill.

To answer your question, in case I wasn't clear, when I'm invited to a
party with the stipulation that I bring the food, to feed folks I
don't even know, I decline, and I give no reason.... why should I feel
I have to lie by saying I have a previous engagement, it's none of
their beeswax why I decline.

"Mark Thorson" wrote in message
...
Dave Smith wrote:

I have to hand to to our friend that she was able to find a nice way
to decline the invitation. I am not sure how I would react to an
"invitation to a party" that is going to cost me $200. I have no
problem with a pot luck, but being expected to supply beef tenderloin
for 20 people plus $40 worth of wine is a bit much, IMHO.

Greater justice would be to agree to it,
then at the last minute "I've got the flu".

Unfortunately, with people this obtuse you would be asked 'well, can't you
just drop it off before you go home to nurse your flu?' They wouldn't give
a rip about spreading germs, just getting the free feed.
-ginny

Bob Terwilliger wrote:
Serene wrote:

There's no need to give excuses, especially ones that are easily seen
through. It's fine just to say, "Oh, sorry, we won't be able to
make it
(or "we have other plans that night"). Have a wonderful time!"

But that *is* an easy-to-reveal excuse unless you plan to abandon your
house that evening simply to avoid being caught in a lie.

Nonsense. "We have other plans" doesn't say whether the plans are outside
or inside your home. It's not a lie at all, even if your only other
plans
are to be as far from that party as possible.

Mendacity. "We have other plans," while vague enough to TECHNICALLY mean
very little, in context implies that you have some SPECIAL plans for the
evening involving something other than sitting around the house. If the
hostess finds that you were staying at home that evening, and that's
what your "other plans" were, don't you think she'd be insulted?



Why not tell the REAL truth? "I'd like to come to your party, but I
think it would be too much of a burden for me to provide two
expensive bottles of wine and roasted beef tenderloin for twenty
people, most of whom are strangers to me."

I might do that for someone I was close to. For a casual acquaintance, I
think a polite "no, thank you" suffices and creates the least drama.

I agree that a simple "No, thank you" (with no further embellishment)
would suffice, but that's a completely different answer than your
earlier recommendation of saying, "We have other plans." As I see it,
I'm answering a rude request by telling the truth. You're answering a
rude request by evading the truth. Which behavior do you think will
result in future rudeness from that person?

(Before this degenerates too much further, I should mention that I have
nothing but the highest esteem for Serene.)

Bob

You people shame my lack of social skills - I'm afraid I'd have found it
irresistibly humorous to repeat what the lady had requested as though
jotting it down in a notebook, and then saying "My catering fee will be
$500, and I require payment two days prior to the event."

On Sat, 31 May 2008 07:04:21 GMT, Wayne Boatwright
wrote:

On Fri 30 May 2008 08:16:07p, told us...

On Sat, 31 May 2008 02:15:46 GMT, Wayne Boatwright
wrote:

On Fri 30 May 2008 04:51:03p, Dave Smith told us...

I have a friend who is a wonderful kind woman, not much of a cook,
but really nice, and lives in a lovely home in a nice neighbourhood.
One of her neighbour's is a chef. The chef's wife called and invited
her and her husband to a party for her chef husband. Our friend and
the chef family had been to a party at my brother's where my nephew
had cooked a quick roasted beef tenderloin fir a short time in a very
hot oven.

The chef's wife is nothing but a conniving cheap bitch! I'd see her in
hell before I'd get sucked into that.

Wayne, quit pussyfooting around and tell us how you really feel ;-)

koko

Koko, traits of people that bother me the most are those that are
insulting, humiliating, taking advantage, and dishonesty. Unfortunately,
some people have all of them. I have a high tolerance for many other
things, but not those. I wish I could keep my mouth shut sometimes, but I
can't always manage it. I think it actually bothers me more when it
happens to other people than when it happens to me.

I hear you Wayne, and agree whole heartedly.

koko
---
http://www.kokoscorner.typepad.com
updated 5/25
"There is no love more sincere than the love of food"
George Bernard Shaw

On Sat, 31 May 2008 06:52:44 -0400, Nancy Young wrote:

snipped for space

I have nothing against people bringing food to a party. This one went
far beyond a simple pot luck or special request.

Well said, Nancy.

--
Cheers
Chatty Cathy

Egg tastes better when it's not on your face...

On Sat, 31 May 2008 04:20:38 -0700, Serene Vannoy
wrote:

Bob Terwilliger wrote:
Serene responded:

There's no need to give excuses, especially ones that are easily seen
through. It's fine just to say, "Oh, sorry, we won't be able to make it
(or "we have other plans that night"). Have a wonderful time!"

But that *is* an easy-to-reveal excuse unless you plan to abandon your
house that evening simply to avoid being caught in a lie.

Nonsense. "We have other plans" doesn't say whether the plans are
outside or inside your home. It's not a lie at all, even if your only
other plans are to be as far from that party as possible.

Why not tell
the REAL truth? "I'd like to come to your party, but I think it would be
too much of a burden for me to provide two expensive bottles of wine and
roasted beef tenderloin for twenty people, most of whom are strangers to
me."

I might do that for someone I was close to. For a casual acquaintance, I
think a polite "no, thank you" suffices and creates the least drama.

Serene

i agree. an invitation is just that, not a bench warrant. of course,
some people will be rude enough to say 'why not?,' but **** 'em.

or there's always 'i have a hot date with the pastor's wife.'

your pal,
blake

"Nancy Young" wrote
"cshenk" wrote

First mistake. There are potlucks, and there are acceptable limits. You
just do not tag a person to a meal for *your party* then tell them what
to bring. Especially 'pork loin for 20 plus wine'.

Beef tenderloin, no less! That's a luxury purchase even for myself, never

Oh I missed that! Worse yet on the pocket book! I was adding up to 200$
with the wine at 20$ a bottle and 'wine for 20'. That would be about 6
bottles or 120$ at least for that. (It would not do to promise to bring the
wine for 20, then bring less than enough for 3 glasses per guest).

mind some person I'm not close to. Heck, if a friend is a very good one
and you're given to trading big favors, it would be a different story.

True. We used to do some outdoor grilling parties here with our neighbors.
I have the big grill but couldnt always afford to buy steaks for the group
of us (9 total usually among 4 families), so I'd take care of the grill and
charcol, sodas, beer, wine, fruit, cheese, fresh bread (breadmaker), veggies
to grill, plates, eating utensils, cups etc etc. They'd take turns bringing
whatever main dish meat was affordable to them. So, sometimes it would be
hotdogs, other times burgers, chicken, or even once in a while we'd get
steaks. Yes, we took our turn with the meat provision and when we did that,
the others provided the sides (except I still did the bread).

Grin, they liked it when it was our turn as we'd usually have 5-6 servings
of various things and you'd pick your fancy. Knowing them, we knew that 5-6
servings of seafood was enough as 3 didnt like seafood. So, there would be
a group of smallish trout, and some shrimp etc plus some kielbasa. By
common agreement the leftovers went to Jimmy who was medically retired
widower on a fixed income. (Grin, oh Jimmy, could you take the extras home?
My fridge is stuffed). Jimmy also always provided the ice (he'd make it
through the week til he had some 12 trays bagged up).

On Jimmy's turn, we cheerfully had chicken franks which he'd doctor up with
various sauces from my cabinets (and again with cheer, listed as a side dish
I was to bring).

This is as you can see quite different from the 'cooks wife'. We merely
took turns and didnt quibble if only some of us could afford 'steaks' and
even then, not always the really nice thick T-bones. Heck, I remember Joe's
wife calling once to say he scored some nice ones but there were only 6 left
and could I come up with some idea to make that work? Sure Sadie! I came
up with a bag of 18 nice cherry stone clams and we 6 seafood eaters all
happily split 3 of the steaks ending up with leftovers.

In the past, when my mother still held holiday dinners at her place,
I routinely brought the main course, sides & dessert to take the load
off her. I think that's normal. It's too much to ask her to do all that
work at her age, by herself.

Oh definately. MIL and I used to do that. She lived 2 miles from us so
before FIL died we'd eat at her place for Thanksgiving and Xmas but we'd
bring the ham or fish (she'd do a small turkey). After the FIL died, she'd
come to our place and we'd do the bird (turkey or rotissery dryrub chicken)
and she'd bring a second meat to match it. Don's family tradition was 2
meats at such meals. I wow'd them the first time with a whole baked stuffed
red salmon. Don had told them I could cook but they didnt believe him til
then G.

I have nothing against people bringing food to a party. This one went
far beyond a simple pot luck or special request.

Agreed. Unless it was like my simple BBQ gatherings, it wasnt done in good
taste and even at ours, the 'special requests' were for less expensive
things, generally side dishes.

Gosh, I really miss having Jimmy come over to 'help me make my side dish
sauces' for his chicken franks! Mae Ploy type sweet chili sauce, molasses,
honey, green bell pepper, blender to mix, and whatever seemed right of the
spice cabinet that day. Other times would get other mixes but that one we
all loved the best. Who'd think 2$ worth of chicken franks could be so
good! His was the only 'meat' we requested over and over G.

Nancy Young wrote:
"Ophelia" wrote

Giusi wrote:
"Dave Smith" ha scritto nel messaggio

the chef family had been to a party at my brother's where my nephew
had cooked a quick roasted beef tenderloin fir a short time in a
very hot oven. Chef's wife extended this invitation to my friend
and asked if she
could bring that dish. She also asked her to bring two bottles of
wine, one red and one white. She specified which wines. Then
chef's wife asked her to bring enough of the meat dish for 20. The
date of the party is also our friend's birthday.

It never ceases to amaze me at how clueless and rude people dare to
be. I love potluck but potluck is defined by being a grab bag, not
an order what you want, other than perhpas which course.

So said neighbor puts the hit on everybody, sets a pretty table and
then takes credit for having entertained eleagantly. Next thing you
know she's chastising people who don't entertain, telling them that
it is easy and hardly expensive at all.

As it is her birthday, she has a good reason to decline the
invitation.

You mean Another good reason. (laugh)

hmmmm yes You know what I mean)

"Dave Smith" wrote in message
m...


story snipped

I have to hand to to our friend that she was able to find a nice way to
decline the invitation. I am not sure how I would react to an "invitation
to a party" that is going to cost me $200. I have no problem with a pot
luck, but being expected to supply beef tenderloin for 20 people plus $40
worth of wine is a bit much, IMHO.


On the surface the presumptiveness of the lady seems quite out of place
however:

1. Is this a very affluent neighborhood?

2. Is every other neighborhood car a Mercedes, Lexus, Porsche, or Beemer
SUV?

3. Do the people in question cook and entertain for the neighbors quite
often?

4. If they entertain the neighbors do they furnish all the food & drinks
or do people bring more that a customary hostess bottle of wine gift?

5. Or is it just plain Chutzpah?


--
Old Scoundrel

(AKA Dimitri)

On Sat 31 May 2008 04:42:01a, Bob Terwilliger told us...

Serene wrote:

There's no need to give excuses, especially ones that are easily seen
through. It's fine just to say, "Oh, sorry, we won't be able to make
it (or "we have other plans that night"). Have a wonderful time!"

But that *is* an easy-to-reveal excuse unless you plan to abandon your
house that evening simply to avoid being caught in a lie.

Nonsense. "We have other plans" doesn't say whether the plans are
outside or inside your home. It's not a lie at all, even if your only
other plans are to be as far from that party as possible.

Mendacity. "We have other plans," while vague enough to TECHNICALLY mean
very little, in context implies that you have some SPECIAL plans for the
evening involving something other than sitting around the house. If the
hostess finds that you were staying at home that evening, and that's
what your "other plans" were, don't you think she'd be insulted?

Given the situation, she deserves to be insulted. That was unmitigated
gall to make such a request.

Why not tell the REAL truth? "I'd like to come to your party, but I
think it would be too much of a burden for me to provide two expensive
bottles of wine and roasted beef tenderloin for twenty people, most of
whom are strangers to me."

I might do that for someone I was close to. For a casual acquaintance,
I think a polite "no, thank you" suffices and creates the least drama.

I agree that a simple "No, thank you" (with no further embellishment)
would suffice, but that's a completely different answer than your
earlier recommendation of saying, "We have other plans." As I see it,
I'm answering a rude request by telling the truth. You're answering a
rude request by evading the truth. Which behavior do you think will
result in future rudeness from that person?

(Before this degenerates too much further, I should mention that I have
nothing but the highest esteem for Serene.)

I, as well.

Bob





--
Wayne Boatwright
-------------------------------------------
Saturday, 05(V)/31(XXXI)/08(MMVIII)
-------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------
Chicken Boo what's the matter with you??
-------------------------------------------

none" ""Mark\"@(none) wrote:
Bob Terwilliger wrote:
Serene wrote:

I agree that a simple "No, thank you" (with no further embellishment)
would suffice, but that's a completely different answer than your
earlier recommendation of saying, "We have other plans." As I see it,
I'm answering a rude request by telling the truth. You're answering a
rude request by evading the truth. Which behavior do you think will
result in future rudeness from that person?

(Before this degenerates too much further, I should mention that I
have nothing but the highest esteem for Serene.)

Bob

You people shame my lack of social skills - I'm afraid I'd have found
it irresistibly humorous to repeat what the lady had requested as
though jotting it down in a notebook, and then saying "My catering
fee will be $500, and I require payment two days prior to the event."

Most excellent response! How many would think of something like that on the
fly, though?

Jill

Dimitri wrote:

"Dave Smith" wrote in message
m...


story snipped

I have to hand to to our friend that she was able to find a nice way to
decline the invitation. I am not sure how I would react to an "invitation
to a party" that is going to cost me $200. I have no problem with a pot
luck, but being expected to supply beef tenderloin for 20 people plus $40
worth of wine is a bit much, IMHO.

On the surface the presumptiveness of the lady seems quite out of place
however:

1. Is this a very affluent neighborhood?

Yes it is. It is one of the most affluent neighbourhood in the city they live
in, the one where all the wealthiest families lived in the old city, before the
urban sprawl.


2. Is every other neighborhood car a Mercedes, Lexus, Porsche, or Beemer
SUV?

Lots of expensive cars on their street.


3. Do the people in question cook and entertain for the neighbors quite
often?

I don't know about the other neighbours, but our friend has at least a half
dozen parties per year, often dinner parties for which she hires a caterer. Some
of the neighbours are invited. She also has my brother and wife down at least
twice a month and buys good steaks, which my brother cooks because she and her
husband just don't cook.


4. If they entertain the neighbors do they furnish all the food & drinks
or do people bring more that a customary hostess bottle of wine gift?

She always provides everything, canapés, dinner, dessert, wine and full bar.

5. Or is it just plain Chutzpah?

With a capital "Ch"
I was stunned. Personally, I have no problem with pot lucks. One friend has a
special pot luck dinner every year and I always look forward to it. I make sure
to prepare something special. I expect to take a bottle of wine, either one for
the party or one for the hostess to drink later, or both. In my books, a pot
luck involves taking enough food to feed us, plus several others. Being
expected to bring enough of the most expensive cut of beef to feed 20
people????? And being told which wine to bring???
That is just plain wrong and in too many ways.

On Sat 31 May 2008 06:19:43a, Virginia Tadrzynski told us...


"Mark Thorson" wrote in message
...
Dave Smith wrote:

I have to hand to to our friend that she was able to find a nice way
to decline the invitation. I am not sure how I would react to an
"invitation to a party" that is going to cost me $200. I have no
problem with a pot luck, but being expected to supply beef tenderloin
for 20 people plus $40 worth of wine is a bit much, IMHO.

Greater justice would be to agree to it, then at the last minute "I've
got the flu".

Unfortunately, with people this obtuse you would be asked 'well, can't
you just drop it off before you go home to nurse your flu?' They
wouldn't give a rip about spreading germs, just getting the free feed.
-ginny




You could follow that up with, "I was too ill to shop".

--
Wayne Boatwright
-------------------------------------------
Saturday, 05(V)/31(XXXI)/08(MMVIII)
-------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------
Plan to be more spontaneous.
-------------------------------------------