Dave Smith wrote:

I have to hand to to our friend that she was able to find a nice way
to decline the invitation. I am not sure how I would react to an
"invitation to a party" that is going to cost me $200. I have no
problem with a pot luck, but being expected to supply beef tenderloin
for 20 people plus $40 worth of wine is a bit much, IMHO.

Greater justice would be to agree to it,
then at the last minute "I've got the flu".

On Sat 31 May 2008 12:35:15a, Mark Thorson told us...

Dave Smith wrote:

I have to hand to to our friend that she was able to find a nice way
to decline the invitation. I am not sure how I would react to an
"invitation to a party" that is going to cost me $200. I have no
problem with a pot luck, but being expected to supply beef tenderloin
for 20 people plus $40 worth of wine is a bit much, IMHO.

Greater justice would be to agree to it,
then at the last minute "I've got the flu".


Brilliant!

--
Wayne Boatwright
-------------------------------------------
Saturday, 05(V)/31(XXXI)/08(MMVIII)
-------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------
It's not for you or I, Carruthers; nor
for the regiment: it's for the Empire.
-------------------------------------------

Giusi wrote:
"Dave Smith" ha scritto nel messaggio
m...
I have a friend who is a wonderful kind woman, not much of a cook,
but really nice, and lives in a lovely home in a nice neighbourhood.
One of her neighbour's is a chef. The chef's wife called and invited
her and her husband to a party for her chef husband. Our friend and
the chef family had been to a party at my brother's where my nephew
had cooked a quick roasted beef tenderloin fir a short time in a
very hot oven. Chef's wife extended this invitation to my friend and
asked if she
could bring that dish. She also asked her to bring two bottles of
wine, one red and one white. She specified which wines. Then chef's
wife asked her to bring enough of the meat dish for 20. The date of
the party is also our friend's birthday.

It never ceases to amaze me at how clueless and rude people dare to
be. I love potluck but potluck is defined by being a grab bag, not
an order what you want, other than perhpas which course.

So said neighbor puts the hit on everybody, sets a pretty table and
then takes credit for having entertained eleagantly. Next thing you
know she's chastising people who don't entertain, telling them that
it is easy and hardly expensive at all.

As it is her birthday, she has a good reason to decline the invitation.

"Ophelia" wrote

Giusi wrote:
"Dave Smith" ha scritto nel messaggio

the chef family had been to a party at my brother's where my nephew
had cooked a quick roasted beef tenderloin fir a short time in a
very hot oven. Chef's wife extended this invitation to my friend and
asked if she
could bring that dish. She also asked her to bring two bottles of
wine, one red and one white. She specified which wines. Then chef's
wife asked her to bring enough of the meat dish for 20. The date of
the party is also our friend's birthday.

It never ceases to amaze me at how clueless and rude people dare to
be. I love potluck but potluck is defined by being a grab bag, not
an order what you want, other than perhpas which course.

So said neighbor puts the hit on everybody, sets a pretty table and
then takes credit for having entertained eleagantly. Next thing you
know she's chastising people who don't entertain, telling them that
it is easy and hardly expensive at all.

As it is her birthday, she has a good reason to decline the invitation.

You mean Another good reason. (laugh)

nancy

"cshenk" wrote

"Dave Smith" wrote

I have a friend who is a wonderful kind woman, not much of a cook, but
really nice, and lives in a lovely home in a nice neighbourhood. One of
her neighbour's is a chef. The chef's wife called and invited her and her
husband to a party for her chef husband. Our friend and the chef family
had been to a party at my brother's where my nephew had cooked a quick
roasted beef tenderloin fir a short time in a very hot oven.

Chef's wife extended this invitation to my friend and asked if she could
bring that dish. She also asked her to bring two bottles of wine, one red
and one white. She specified which wines. Then chef's wife asked her to
bring enough of the meat dish for 20. The date of the party is also our
friend's birthday.

First mistake. There are potlucks, and there are acceptable limits. You
just do not tag a person to a meal for *your party* then tell them what to
bring. Especially 'pork loin for 20 plus wine'.

Beef tenderloin, no less! That's a luxury purchase even for myself, never
mind some person I'm not close to. Heck, if a friend is a very good one
and you're given to trading big favors, it would be a different story.
There
are people who I wouldn't begrudge bringing the main course and the wine,
there would have to be some weird situation for it to come up, though.
My friends wouldn't call me, come on over for Ray's birthday, and bring
food and wine for 20! Come on!

In the past, when my mother still held holiday dinners at her place,
I routinely brought the main course, sides & dessert to take the load
off her. I think that's normal. It's too much to ask her to do all that
work at her age, by herself.

I have nothing against people bringing food to a party. This one went
far beyond a simple pot luck or special request.

nancy

"Dave Smith" wrote in message
m...
I have a friend who is a wonderful kind woman, not much of a cook, but
really nice, and lives in a lovely home in a nice neighbourhood. One of her
neighbour's is a chef. The chef's wife called and invited her and her
husband to a party for her chef husband. Our friend and the chef family had
been to a party at my brother's where my nephew had cooked a quick roasted
beef tenderloin fir a short time in a very hot oven.

Chef's wife extended this invitation to my friend and asked if she could
bring that dish. She also asked her to bring two bottles of wine, one red
and one white. She specified which wines. Then chef's wife asked her to
bring enough of the meat dish for 20. The date of the party is also our
friend's birthday.


Current prices for a whole beef tenderloin around her are about $80. The
wines turn out to be $20 a piece. My friend was not thrilled. She
discussed it with her husband, who said screw that we'll have our own
party her for that money. She called back the chef's wife, clarified the
date..... ooops sorry. I didn't know that my husband had planned a party
for me here on that night so sorry, but we can't make it.

The next day she got a call from another neighbour asking if she was
attending the party. Our friend said they had been invited but could not
attend because her husband was having a party for her. It seems that
chef's wife had called the other neighbour after our friend canceled and
asked her to bring the two beef tenderloins... and two bottles of wine.
So our friend asked the other neighbour if she was going...... no way !!

I have to hand to to our friend that she was able to find a nice way to
decline the invitation. I am not sure how I would react to an "invitation
to a party" that is going to cost me $200. I have no problem with a pot
luck, but being expected to supply beef tenderloin for 20 people plus $40
worth of wine is a bit much, IMHO.




Be 'out of town' that weekend.

Kswck wrote:
"Dave Smith" wrote in message
m...

I have to hand to to our friend that she was able to find a nice way to
decline the invitation. I am not sure how I would react to an "invitation
to a party" that is going to cost me $200. I have no problem with a pot
luck, but being expected to supply beef tenderloin for 20 people plus $40
worth of wine is a bit much, IMHO.




Be 'out of town' that weekend.

There's no need to give excuses, especially ones that are easily seen
through. It's fine just to say, "Oh, sorry, we won't be able to make it
(or "we have other plans that night"). Have a wonderful time!"

Serene

Serene responded:

There's no need to give excuses, especially ones that are easily seen
through. It's fine just to say, "Oh, sorry, we won't be able to make it
(or "we have other plans that night"). Have a wonderful time!"

But that *is* an easy-to-reveal excuse unless you plan to abandon your house
that evening simply to avoid being caught in a lie. Why not tell the REAL
truth? "I'd like to come to your party, but I think it would be too much of
a burden for me to provide two expensive bottles of wine and roasted beef
tenderloin for twenty people, most of whom are strangers to me."

Bob

Bob Terwilliger wrote:
Serene responded:

There's no need to give excuses, especially ones that are easily seen
through. It's fine just to say, "Oh, sorry, we won't be able to make it
(or "we have other plans that night"). Have a wonderful time!"

But that *is* an easy-to-reveal excuse unless you plan to abandon your
house that evening simply to avoid being caught in a lie.

Nonsense. "We have other plans" doesn't say whether the plans are
outside or inside your home. It's not a lie at all, even if your only
other plans are to be as far from that party as possible.

Why not tell
the REAL truth? "I'd like to come to your party, but I think it would be
too much of a burden for me to provide two expensive bottles of wine and
roasted beef tenderloin for twenty people, most of whom are strangers to
me."

I might do that for someone I was close to. For a casual acquaintance, I
think a polite "no, thank you" suffices and creates the least drama.

Serene

Serene wrote:

There's no need to give excuses, especially ones that are easily seen
through. It's fine just to say, "Oh, sorry, we won't be able to make it
(or "we have other plans that night"). Have a wonderful time!"

But that *is* an easy-to-reveal excuse unless you plan to abandon your
house that evening simply to avoid being caught in a lie.

Nonsense. "We have other plans" doesn't say whether the plans are outside
or inside your home. It's not a lie at all, even if your only other plans
are to be as far from that party as possible.

Mendacity. "We have other plans," while vague enough to TECHNICALLY mean
very little, in context implies that you have some SPECIAL plans for the
evening involving something other than sitting around the house. If the
hostess finds that you were staying at home that evening, and that's what
your "other plans" were, don't you think she'd be insulted?



Why not tell the REAL truth? "I'd like to come to your party, but I think
it would be too much of a burden for me to provide two expensive bottles
of wine and roasted beef tenderloin for twenty people, most of whom are
strangers to me."

I might do that for someone I was close to. For a casual acquaintance, I
think a polite "no, thank you" suffices and creates the least drama.

I agree that a simple "No, thank you" (with no further embellishment) would
suffice, but that's a completely different answer than your earlier
recommendation of saying, "We have other plans." As I see it, I'm answering
a rude request by telling the truth. You're answering a rude request by
evading the truth. Which behavior do you think will result in future
rudeness from that person?

(Before this degenerates too much further, I should mention that I have
nothing but the highest esteem for Serene.)

Bob

"T" wrote in message

That's something that doesn't happen with my circle of friends. The only
standing order is that if you don't like something or most things on the
menu then you're welcome to bring a dish of your own.

Otherwise no requirements. Food and wine are provided at the event by us
since we are after all the ones hosting.

Some people just don't understand the concept.

If you can't afford it, don't have it. If I invite someone I want their
company, not their price of admission.

OTOH, we often have informal get-togethers with two to four couples that
are close friends. To spread the workload a bit we'll offer to bring
something, usually a dessert or an appetizer. Sometimes we'll get a phone
call "I bought a big turkey on sale, come on over for dinner" and if my wife
is baking the reply will be "OK, I have a pie in the oven so I'll bring it".

Bob Terwilliger wrote:
Serene wrote:

There's no need to give excuses, especially ones that are easily seen
through. It's fine just to say, "Oh, sorry, we won't be able to
make it
(or "we have other plans that night"). Have a wonderful time!"

But that *is* an easy-to-reveal excuse unless you plan to abandon your
house that evening simply to avoid being caught in a lie.

Nonsense. "We have other plans" doesn't say whether the plans are outside
or inside your home. It's not a lie at all, even if your only other
plans
are to be as far from that party as possible.

Mendacity. "We have other plans," while vague enough to TECHNICALLY mean
very little, in context implies that you have some SPECIAL plans for the
evening involving something other than sitting around the house. If the
hostess finds that you were staying at home that evening, and that's
what your "other plans" were, don't you think she'd be insulted?

If she's nosy enough to poke around about what my plans are, she
deserves any insult she receives. My other plans are not her business,
and it's perfectly polite to just demur from an invitation without
giving elaborate explanations. Mostly, I just say, "I can't make it,
but have a great time!"

Why not tell the REAL truth? "I'd like to come to your party, but I
think it would be too much of a burden for me to provide two
expensive bottles of wine and roasted beef tenderloin for twenty
people, most of whom are strangers to me."

I might do that for someone I was close to. For a casual acquaintance, I
think a polite "no, thank you" suffices and creates the least drama.

I agree that a simple "No, thank you" (with no further embellishment)
would suffice, but that's a completely different answer than your
earlier recommendation of saying, "We have other plans."

I disagree. It's no more different from understanding that strangers
who say "Hi, how are you?" aren't actually asking for a detailed
description of how you are.

As I see it,
I'm answering a rude request by telling the truth. You're answering a
rude request by evading the truth. Which behavior do you think will
result in future rudeness from that person?

It is okay to just avoid people one finds to be rude. A few declined
invitations, and maybe she'll get the picture. As I said, if it's
someone I'm close to, and feel an obligation to educate on this matter,
I might be more frank. If it's some stranger who is just asking me for
odd things out of the blue, "No, thank you" or some approximation is
really sufficient, in my view.


(Before this degenerates too much further, I should mention that I have
nothing but the highest esteem for Serene.)

Oh, likewise, I'm sure. I didn't think it had degenerated at all. I
think that manners and the responses to bad manners are important
topics, and heck, dinner invitations are even almost on-topic. :-)

Serene

Edwin Pawlowski wrote:
"T" wrote in message
That's something that doesn't happen with my circle of friends. The only
standing order is that if you don't like something or most things on the
menu then you're welcome to bring a dish of your own.

Otherwise no requirements. Food and wine are provided at the event by us
since we are after all the ones hosting.

Some people just don't understand the concept.

If you can't afford it, don't have it. If I invite someone I want their
company, not their price of admission.

EXACTLY!!


OTOH, we often have informal get-togethers with two to four couples that
are close friends. To spread the workload a bit we'll offer to bring
something, usually a dessert or an appetizer. Sometimes we'll get a phone
call "I bought a big turkey on sale, come on over for dinner" and if my wife
is baking the reply will be "OK, I have a pie in the oven so I'll bring it".

Right. This is totally different from "Come on over, and by the way,
bring dinner".

Serene

Serene wrote:

It is okay to just avoid people one finds to be rude.

Normally, I'd just agree and shut up. But in this particular case, I had
misread the original post and thought that the hostess had been described as
"a wonderful kind woman, not much of a cook, but really nice, and lives in a
lovely home in a nice neighbourhood." If that had been the case, then the
hostess would obviously have redeeming qualities which could offset this
particular aberrant rudeness.

A closer reading reveals that that description had actually been applied to
the person being invited, not to the hostess. The hostess herself had only
been described as "the chef's wife." Presumably, this is a case of the OP
(Dave Smith) following the adage, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say
anything at all."

And I'm now reminded that Dave has posted here about his "Big Niece." Here
are a couple samples from his posts:


| Big Niece... can be counted on to show up early and it is a struggle to
| keep her away from the food. She once showed up at her step sister's place
| uninvited when the step sister was expecting company, but she was invited
| to stay, "helped" in the kitchen and ate ALL the food before the invited
| guests arrived


* After all the food is served and people sit down to eat you have to keep
* an eye on her. No matter the variety of dishes set out for guests, the
* niece will sneak back into the kitchen and root around through the fridge
* and cupboards and take whatever she fancies, even opening boxes of soda
* crackers and breakfast cereals.
*
* Her food theft is legendary. I once hid a double batch of chocolate chop
* cookies in the far corner of the bottom shelf of a lower cabinet behind
* the pots and pans. After she left I discovered that she had found them.
* She ate the entire double batch, almost 5 dozen cookies. That same day
* she sampled the apple pie I had made for dessert. She was not content to
* take a small slice. Not even a large slice. She ate the middle of the pie.
* Not only was there not enough for us, even if the host and hostess did
* without, but the pie was ruined. Who would want a slab of crust?
*
* The last time she was at our house, and I am now confident it will be the
* last time, I saw her descend upon the Devilled Eggs and cheese platter. By
* the time I came out a few minutes later the whole batch of eggs (I had use
* a dozen eggs, so there were 2 dozen little devils) were gone, and she was
* into the cheese.

Dave, you sure run into some odd people!

Bob

aem wrote:

Stories like this are confusing. At first glance they may seem
outrageous, but there can be mitigating circumstances. For one thing,
"lovely home in a nice neighborhood" may mean they all have plenty of
money and $200 as the cost of contributing to a special party for her
husband may seem insignificant to the chef's wife.

They seem outrageous because they are. There may be some people who would
not be offended, but our friend certainly was. Rich people don't expect
their friends to pay to come to their parties.


For another, wives
sometimes misjudge how close the friendship is between their husbands
and third parties. She may have thought they were close enough that
they'd welcome a big role in this surprise party. Then again, the
chef's wife just may be thoughtless.

I suppose that it may be a matter of having mistakenly over estimated the
relationship and thinking that our friend would be delighted to spend
$200 to help surprise the husband. However, when our friend declined, the
wife then over estimated the relationship with another neighbour who was
invited in place of our friend. She was upset enough at the gall of the
chef's wife that she called our friend. Imagine how that woman would have
felt if she was a second string invitation, having been invited only after
our friend had declined.



I guess my point is to not be
too quick to lambaste her on the basis of a second or third hand
report. Misunderstandings between neighbors have spawned a lot of
case studies for sociologists and lawyers. -aem