History began some 12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small

bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains

during the winter and would go to the coast to live on fish and lobster
in

the summer. The two most important events in all of history were the

invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was
invented to

get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization,
and

together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two
distinct

subgroups: Liberals & Conservatives. Once beer was discovered, it
required

grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass
bottle

nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors
were

sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close
to

the brewery. That's how villages were formed. Some men spent their
days

tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking

beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative

movement." Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting,
learned

to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and

doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of
the

liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into
women.

The rest became known as 'girleymen.' Some noteworthy liberal
achievements

include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and
group

hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the
meat

and beer that conservatives provided. Over the years, conservatives
came to

be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the

elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. Modern liberals like

imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported

bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi,
tofu,

and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting

revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone
levels

than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys,

journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists, are liberals.

Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair"
to

make the pitcher also bat. Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat
red

meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game
hunters,

rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical
doctors,

police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and
generally,

anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who
own

companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals

produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and
decide

what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more

enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained
in

Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after
the

Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get MORE for
nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.

I liked the beer part.